The open book that is my life still holds a few secrets I’ve kept throughout the years. Some are just not that interesting, some are not wholly my secrets to share, and others I just haven’t been ready to share yet – like this one.
Yesterday’s post was truly about my feeling weird at having to defriend someone on Facebook for my own sanity, but I barely scratched the surface on WHY – so let’s start scratching!
Planned Parenthood is making gift certificates available for purchase. A great deal of women in the US go without regular checkups because of the sheer cost involved – an annual exam alone costs $58. The gift certificates, available in increments of $25, can be used for checkups, insurance co-pays, and medication such as birth control.
And yes, they can also be used towards an abortion.
The pro-life community is in an uproar over this, claiming that PP is making a “mockery” of the Christmas season. Headlines such as “Kill a Child for Christmas” and “The Perfect Gift for the Baby Killer on a Budget” are popping up, as well as charming quotes in the media from anti-abortion activists:
“The tragedy is that almost 6,000 fewer children will be celebrating a first Christmas this year because they were aborted in Planned Parenthood’s Indiana clinics,” said Mike Fichter, president and CEO of Indiana Right to Life. Planned Parenthood of Indiana operates abortion clinics in Indianapolis, Merrillville and Bloomington.
“They deserve coal in their stocking, not money for lethal gift certificates,” said Sister Diane Carollo, director of the Office for Pro-Life Ministry for the Catholic Archdiocese of Indianapolis.
Awesome. Just awesome.
It will come as a surprise to absolutely no one that I am fiercely pro-choice – I believe women should have the unquestioned right to choose if and when they wish to have children. I am thankful everyday that I live in a country that DOES give me that right, and it physically hurts my insides to know that this (and gay marriage) is so hotly contested by so many people. I just don’t understand how someone can claim they know what is better for me than I do – how? How can you know my situation, my life, my circumstances? Do you have so much hate in your lives that you actually see forcing women to carry unwanted children to term is a viable option and just punishment for sex, regardless of how it came to pass? I don’t understand.
I can talk pretty about choice all I want, but it’s more than just talk: when I was 18, I had an abortion.
It’s a fairly typical story: I hadn’t received enough education about birth control (I had no idea how to go about getting on the pill), and while we were strict with our condom use, there were incidents. I was 18, living with my boyfriend of less than a year in the basement of his parent’s townhouse, and in absolutely no way physically, emotionally or financially capable of having a child. We made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, and I have never regretted it.
Funny story, I found out I was pregnant by going to the ER for what turned out to be my very first bladder infection. To this day, I am abnormally paranoid of UTIs which also feeds my fear of alcohol – one of the side effects of alcohol in my system mimics the feeling of a UTI. Hilarious!
The act of terminating the pregnancy was not difficult, but dealing with other people was. I didn’t handle the news well, to say the least – even then I knew I was not destined to have children. As well, my doctor had been my doctor since I was 4 years old and being an old, old man from a completely different era, held the “very disappointed” card over my head and insisted on telling my mother. My shrieks of terror managed to dodge that spectacularly hot mess, but he was not happy about having to schedule me for the procedure. Nothing like disapproving old man guilt to make an already frightened kid almost delirious with terror – I am barely exaggerating when I say my mother would have killed me if she knew I was pregnant. Renee can vouch for me; she knows how it would have gone down.
Having an abortion at 18 was the best possible thing I could have done, given the circumstances. I had no job, no education, no real home, and no idea what I was going to do if I was forced to have that baby. While I was in a loving relationship, love alone is not enough to raise a child. I didn’t get pregnant because I slept around, or was promiscuous, or made stupid decisions. We used birth control, and it failed. We did the responsible thing for ourselves, not for the cluster of cells forming in my womb.
I’ve never mentioned the abortion on my site before, mostly because I didn’t want to deal with the backlash (real or imagined). A tiny part of me has been ashamed about it for years, but when reading the horrible things that were being posted by pro-life lunatics, I realized something important: the tiny piece of shame I once held is no longer there, and this is such a big issue that I feel so strongly about that I want my voice to be heard. Having an abortion does NOT make you a bad person, and I want every woman to have a choice beyond “choosing to not open your legs” or “choosing to wait until marriage”. Abortion is not “being lazy and using murder as the easy way out”. What kind of universe do we live in, where being forced to bring an unwanted life into this world is seen as a justified punishment for having sex? If children are as important as the pro-lifers think, wouldn’t they rather see those children cared for properly by people who love and want them instead of being stuck with it for life because of a mistake or a tragedy?
My name is Kimli, and I’ve had an abortion.
Thanks for reading.
abortions for some; miniature American flags for others
delicious juice dot com 
Excellent post, Kim. Really, really excellent.
I think what upsets me the most about the Pro-Life stance is that they think that Pro-Choice = Pro-Abortion, which just isn’t the case at all. I mean, what they don’t understand is that its not the abortion that Pro-Choice are all gung-ho for, its the simple act of a woman having the CHOICE to abort, not abort, adopt, whatever.
I mean, I know people who are Pro-Choice who would never, ever have an abortion. Ever. But they feel that women have the fundamental right and jurisdiction about how they govern their OWN bodies.
I’m thankful everyday that Canada has people such as Dr. Morgentaler because honestly, I couldn’t live in a country that dictated what I could and could not do with my own damn body.
Thank you for sharing your story :)
Thanks for sharing :)
Also, the whole “wait for marriage” thing perplexes me to no end. Because married people all want kids? Married people don’t have abortions? Married people are all willing to surgically modify their reproductive parts into non-function (and non-married people aren’t)?
Yay for doing what’s right for you!
Thank you so much, Dee.
(That should have ready “Dee Ay”, sorry. But thank you for writing it, really.)
Just de-lurking to say: thanks.
Totally agree with you. I would never chose to abort myself, but I think everyone should have the right of what to do with their own body and life. We had that choice when at 18 I was pregnant with Christalynne. In fact we were encouraged by one side of the family to do so. But I couldn’t do that, and I will never regret that, but I am glad we had the choice. Our second child we used planned parenthood to have our first few prenatal appointments and ultrasound. They don’t only do abortions for sure! I think it is great they are expanding to make it easier on women to get treatment no matter which way they go. It is too bad so many “activist” can’t find the good of the situation.
I known a few people that have had abortions ( make that +1 people ), and I’ve always been supportive. Having a kid is a huge, gigantic commitment. I just cannot comprehend how someone can say with a straight face to someone that they HAVE TO HAVE THAT BABY, even though there is no way that they will be able to provide for it.
And that’s just when it’s young people ( like yourself ) who have to get an abortion. When I hear people saying that people who’ve been raped, or someone who got pregnant and _then_ finds out they have AIDS can’t have abortions, I want to go on a massive killing spree. Preferably somewhere in the Bible belt of the USA.
I know as a guy ( especially one who’s never had to deal with your kind of situation ), my taking a stance on this issue might not hold as much weight as someone who’s had to experience it ( or anyone with a uterus, for that matter ). But I will cheer, support, and have the back of anyone who has the courage to make decisions about what is best for them and/or their body despite what many other people will tell them. I don’t care if you’re pregnant, gay, straight, whatever. It’s YOUR body, you decide what’s best for you. Take the time to think about and get informed, but in the end it’s YOUR desicion, nobody else’s.
Thank you, Kimli =)
(btw, totally awesome caption for the totally awesome picture )
I agree with everything you said, and I applaud your bravery in telling your story. <3
Ditto to the last comment.
just adding to the thanks for being brave enough to share this.
ditto that.
Bravo, and thanks for the photo of the cleavage, er , er, hat , but there’s only one thing wrong with your post, and that’s in the closing
“My name is Kimli, and I’ve had an abortion.”
What you did is not anti-social, addictive, unwholesome, or any reason to join to 12 step group. It’s those that have made the choice, and damn there’s a shit load of them here in Calgary, to not just replace themselves, but to carry out class, racial or religious warfare by having more babies than are required to make our human presence known on this world, that need to not just join a program, but to watch as children starve or serve as soldiers, and as economies collapse from overload.
Damn them. Damn their parents, and their culture, for rotting their minds. Horray for the cockroaches, for they shall inherit this mess.
Ken
Ooh yeah, I vouch. Live Kimlis are my favourite kind.
Awesome site called “I’m Not Sorry” that I’ve always found really inspiring, but it hasn’t been updated in a while.
Kimli, well said, and thank you. I had a bad scare at 19 and though I was lucky not to have to make that choice, make it I would have, the same as you did. We are so fortunate in large Canadian cities… I know rural communities have it much harder. No one has the right to take that choice away.
*hug* thanks for sharing. You are damn brave.
Bravo. Thank you for telling your story.
Kimli, what a thoughtful and brave post. I’ve always enjoyed reading your blog and this just adds to my respect for you.
Delurking to say thank you for being brave and telling your story.
Great post. Really.
I’ve had some bad UTI situations, so I can only imagine how they trigger in your mind.
Wait, you were 18? How old was I? Are you 33 now? Didn’t I cook you dinner that night? I was dealing with my own shit (still am!) right around then, so it’s kind of fuzzy.
It’s posts like this that remind me what an awesome person you are.
Thanks,
Matt.
I think some of those who suggest pro-choice == baby-killing are haters and fear mongers because they are themselves. I mean, I haven’t heard of pro-choice people doing anything similar to the shootings of abortion doctors (maybe since they get their kicks out of killing babies, hurray). /sarcasm
Anyways, wow, what a story. When I’ve had friends and acquaintances get abortions it tends to be really hard on them, both physically and emotionally. Any idea that these “loose women” get abortions like haircuts is utterly false in my experience. I’ve known several women to get pregnant by accident a second time and keep the baby because of the previous experience. And not that they became pro-life or anything, just that it changed them.
I had a short accidental pregnancy followed by a rather surprising miscarriage (which told me I had been pregnant, but no more) nearly a decade ago. I’d been on the pill, but my doctor had prescribed me antibiotics, and I’m sure you’ve heard of children who exist only because of the pill + antibiotics combination. It was a hard experience, dealing with the albeit minor miscarriage, and to this day I don’t know what I would’ve done had I stayed pregnant, but in the weird thoughts I had afterwards I was aware that I would’ve had the choice, and I was sort of lucky that I didn’t have to make it.
Hey, Kimli,
Can you see me wildly cheering in front of my screen? No? Howzabout NOW?!!! YAAAY for telling it loudly.
Holy shit, what year and what country IS this, anyway?! I’m tired of policiticians who don’t know how to separate their religious beliefs from what is fair, just and just plain reasonable law. Glad to live in a country where the choice is available and not by driving across state lines – that is, if you have the money (and if you don’t, don’t you think that’s a great time to have a kid?!).
No one should feel ashamed for making this choice and I wish for everyone that it wasn’t something they should fear disclosing. They say never to judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes… might be onto something there.
I didn’t have an abortion at 18; instead, I now have a 16 year old son. It has not been at all easy to raise him, financially or emotionally, yet I love him very much. I believe any choice I would have made then would have consisted of both pros and cons. Despite, no, BECAUSE OF my love for my son, when a young friend found herself in a similar place, I told her honestly that I would much rather have been more stable to give my son the life I would wish for him, non-dependant on the father who may or may not be around.
In more recent years, I found myself quite unexpectedly in the situation of needing to make the choice to have an abortion or not. I realized going through that situation (there were mitigating medical circumstances, bad situation all around) that despite my strong pro-choice beliefs that I had internalized some of those judgements people make. WAS it wrong after all? Not for me. Not at ALL. And I’m SO not sorry. It was the right choice for me, the accidental ‘sperm donor’ and the situation at the time.
There is only one person in the end who can answer the question whether or not to continue a pregnancy: the person who must carry the pregnancy or not.
Proud to stand with you for womens’ choice, sister!
Just adding to the chorus of thanks, Kimli.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing your story, and your eloquence.
Another reader delurking to congratulate you on your bravery. You’re a strong woman, Kimli.
Doesn’t change my opinion of you in the least.
I mean, not like you ought to give a rat what I or anyone else thinks about it.
Sorry I’m not going to praise you for being “brave” like the other people in this thread of comments.
You made the most cowardly choice you could have done in this situation. You act like it was okay for you to be ignorant. I was on the birth control pill at 17. I knew that sex=babies when I was 11 and I knew the consequences that come with sex. My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years and take ALL the precautions to not get pregnant.
You should feel ashamed. You took the cowards way out and you make yourself feel better by saying that you were young and dumb, and it was the best thing.
Funny thing is, if you wanted the child you wouldn’t call it a fetus (or mass of cells) you’d call it a baby from the start, because that’s exactly what it is.
At least have the guts to say you killed your baby for selfish reasons, when you could have put him/her up for adoption. Nice how you didn’t even seem to consider that. So stop patting yourself on the back. Maybe if more people felt a little bit of shame, abortion wouldn’t be just another form of birth control like it has become in this country. It is a big deal and people need to stop trivializing it.
I only hope you donate a can for this post.
Of course I’ll donate a can for your comment. I obviously don’t agree with your theory at all, but you’re welcome to your opinion.
HOLY CRAP! I had to comment after coming back and seeing that last comment.
Good for you, Kimli, for allowing this posting and for donating food for your drive, as promised.
I just HAVE to say something here, which I shall try to write as calmly as I can, given the cruelness of the last commentee’s words. I would understand if you would choose not to allow my comment as it might be construed as feeding the flames, but here it goes…
Yes, this poster does have her right to her opinion, but it does NOT give her the right to degrade or shame you or anyone else for her beliefs. And that’s just what it is: a belief, NOT the absolute truth. Some people might do well to learn the difference there.
And Trademark, what are you going to say if all your careful precautions still manage to fail – as this DOES happen, even with the most careful and mature couples – and suddenly your partner leaves, you lose your job, or you are facing an addiction or medical condition, for example? (I’m just naming some of the many circumstances people can easily find themselves in).
It’s easy to say “I would NEVER” but considering you’ve never been in that place, lived that life and walked in those shoes, then who are you to judge?
Has it also occurred to you that people frequently have babies for very VERY selfish reasons, including many people who really should not take on the endeavour of raising children! And also, why have any children when there are so many in the world already who need homes and families to care for them?
Should anyone have children?
Seems to me that there are many aspects to this issue and to characterize someone as selfish and cowardly is, in itself, selfish and cowardly. It seems you only wrote this to further confirm to yourself your own beliefs and to chastise someone you presumably do not know.
Often people decide that abortion is wrong due to their religious beliefs. There are a couple of religious quotes which has a very close equivalent in every other religion in the world. They go something like this:
Judge not lest ye be judged.
and
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
Would you like to be judged this way, whether or not you follow a particular religion or faith? I think not.
And while we’re at it, what did you have for dinner tonight? Did an animal die for your selfish want for meat? Do the shoes on your feet come from another animal which unwillingly sacrificed its life to give you cute footwear?
I wonder if you’re too ‘young and dumb’ or ‘ignorant’ to have considered these views. Hopefully your life allows for some of your isolated views and theories to be challenged so you might learn from this.
Now I will end my comment as I do not wish to lower myself to the level of facelessly judging someone in my anger.
Sorry, Kimli, that you read this and that some people just don’t get it. Remember, there are many others who do.
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