There’s the line – then there’s just over the line – and then there’s several continents away from the line that you set on fire, pissed on, and cursed the mother of as you crossed it.

The felted womb is old news. The shower curtain is creepy, but whatever. Wall decals? Not to my taste, but okay. I can even forgive the dildo – it sparkles! – because sometimes you just need to fill* a hole. Everyone knows that I LOVE the vampire FleshLights – now for gays AND straights! – even if they’re not specifically Twilight themed. I get the merchandising; I really do.

But they’ve gone too far.

I am horrified to share these with you: Twilight panties.

“But Kimli, what’s the big deal? There’s nothing wrong with Twilight-themed underwear; how is that different from the Care Bear panties you’re wearing right now?”

The panties are creepy enough because of the face:

poor guy

Bad enough, right? But noooo. They had to go one step further:

oh god no

“Edward”‘s face. Against your vag. All day long.

If you wear them without protection during your period, you’d be “feeding the vampire”.

WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE

SERIOUSLY

THAT IS MESSED RIGHT THE FUCK UP

Those make me so, so uncomfortable.

GAH

no amount of sparkle can make up for those panties

*: as much as you can fill with 6.75″, anyway. Seriously, why bother? If you’re going to make a dildo so people can put it in the freezer and fantasize they’re being plowed by a sparkly ice-cold vampire, why not do the character – and the masturbators – a favour and make it large enough to write home about?