Bitch, it is ON.

One a week for the past month, a woman calls in who is desperate to speak to “whoever runs your company”. For some reason, she has the number of my People. My People doesn’t just want to give this woman the name of the CEO, so he tries to run interference. Today he asked the woman what her call was regarding, so he could direct her to the appropriate department. Her answer? “You just answer the phones; you don’t NEED to know what this call is about.”

I told him to hang up on her. What the FUCK, lady? Where the hell do you get off being that rude to ANYONE, let alone my People? I’m taking the next call she makes, and I’m looking forward to it – I NEVER get to be rude to people on the phone! This will be awesome!

Everything is being rude today. Strangers are looking at me as though I have two heads. The flowers I bought last week to happy up my desk are shedding pollen everywhere. I ate some bacon, and it got stuck in my teeth. The pop machine is out of Diet Coke. My underwear is bunching up in uncomfortable places. All of these things are RUDE! Whatever happened to manners and things not tangling up in my vagina? I’m doing what I can to work around the staggering inconsiderance of people and inanimate objects around me – I bought some Diet Coke from the store down the street; I refuse to look at the pretty flowers;  I am going commando – but my feathers are ruffled. I need to preen.

I posted last week that I had been accepted to speak at Northern Voice in May, and yesterday the summary for my presentation went up online. People are asking when I’m scheduled for, and I believe I’m presenting on Friday afternoon sometime – but most things at Northern Voice are recorded for later uploading, so I’ll see if I can’t find someone with a camera or 20 to help me out in this regard so’s the no-goers can see me make an ass of myself in a public setting.

I am nervous. I know I shouldn’t be – I am no stranger to the spotlight – but the idea of actually presenting something, a topic, instead of a) my boobs or b) doing play-by-play commentary is terrifying to me. I can do almost anything on the fly, but having to carefully choose what I want to say? That is a whole new game for me, and I don’t know that I can do it justice. It would have been so much easier to just mingle in the crowd again this year. Why didn’t I go that route? Oh right, because I am an idiot.

True to my nature, I feel terrible about people giving up 30 minutes of their time to come listen to me babble about nothing. So, I’m thinking about giving out swag bags. Everyone loves swag, and it might get people into the room – as terrified as I am about facing a crowd, it would be even worse if no one was interested in my topic. Oh god, now I’m afraid no one is going to show up at all! This is horrible! I fail at everything!

I’m going to go rock back and forth in a corner now.

peace out