I never thought I’d say this, but this vibrator is too damn powerful.

Okay, that’s not true – I’ve said it plenty of times, about actual vibrators. The vagina does not need to be shaken like a Polaroid picture, and my teeth shouldn’t hurt afterward. Jackhammer all you want, but things designed to pleasure yourself when no one is looking should not be powerful enough to tear up concrete when dropped on the floor.

Ahem. I’m talking about my iPhone, anyway. This new phone’s vibrator mechanism is on overkill, and I’m kind of worried my phone is going to vibrate right out of existence and/or through my pants. It’s almost better to keep the sound on low instead of mute, because the vibration is so loud and shocking it lends very little to the idea of discretion. I’m honestly concerned that the phone is going to break before long; it doesn’t sound right at all. There’s not much I can do about it though – I’m not going to get all Nostradamus in the Apple Store about my phone that sounds as though a warp core breach is imminent. So, I wait. And make a mental note that I need to replace certain things in the third drawer of my nightstand. Just sayin’.