Wow! My email is so fresh and dope! I really feel like Microsoft “gets” me!

Now that I’ve checked my hella fly email, let’s go kick it with our homies and chillax to some rad tunes on our boombox Zune! Peace out, dawg!

.. not everything needs a “skin” to make it appealing, although I do appreciate the exclamation point – Outlook Web App! ALRIGHT!

A whole bunch of people I know and like are suddenly full of baby and/or baby thoughts, so I am in the midst of a present-buying spree. I’m doing it online, of course, because it’s cheaper and there’s a better selection and honestly, the thought of walking into a baby supply store and looking for suitable gifts is vastly terrifying. I don’t know what any of those things do! Why are all the clothes so small? And then the questions – am I shopping for myself? Yeah, that’s a conversation I don’t need to have – are you saying I look pregnant? Implying that I allowed my uterus to be showered with sperm for a reason instead of fun; an ulterior ejaculatory motive? Is that it? HOW DARE YOU! WHY I NEVER! YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!

See, I don’t actually HAVE a lawyer, so logic dictates that I prudently avoid any situation that might end in my suing someone. So, I shop online. Easy!

I really wish Amazon wasn’t so eager to be helpful, though:

not. funny.

These aren’t helpful suggestions, they’re my worst nightmare: baby items about poo. Why not just recommend some tarantulas and warm lettuce while you’re at it? Maybe some books by Beck and Coulter; some high-heeled Uggs and a box of Go-Bots? You don’t know me, Amazon. You don’t know me at ALL.

I think I’m coming down with something. I HOPE I’m coming down with something. I don’t particularly want to be sick, but I also don’t want to think that I’m feeling this terrible for no reason at all. Physically I guess I’m fine, but I’m mentally worn the fuck out and feeling really, really down. I know that I don’t have to have a reason to be sad, but it’s better than this hazy, undefined cloud of angst I’m attempting to wade through – every single thing in my life right now feels like an insurmountable, arduous impossibility. I’m very rarely like this, so that’s why I think something is up. Something not normal. Something ominous, perhaps accompanied by this. Go back to hell, forces of darkness! My soul is not yours for the taking!

Strangely, the thought of beating off demons with a cardboard tube – which of course led to thoughts of beating off demons – cheered me up quite a bit. Also, Ed is bringing me tacos for lunch.

I’ll be fine. I just need some vitamin C, a good cry, and something to look forward to.

Also, tacos.