Category Archives: adventure

my name is fran

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*ring*

Huh?

“Good morning, Angel!”

What?

“I SAID, Good morning, Angel!”

Why is that white speaker box on my desk talking to me? As a matter of fact, why is there a white speaker box on my desk?

“KIMLI! You know how this goes – when I say ‘good morning, angel’ you are supposed to respond with ‘good morning, Charlie!’ Don’t you remember your training? Now, say it!”

“Good .. good morning, Charlie?”

“That’s better. Are you ready for your assignment?”

“WHAT assignment? What the hell is going on?”

“You forgot, didn’t you. You signed up to be a Reserve Angel, and it’s time – I’m calling you up. You can’t back out; I have papers. SIGNED papers. We’re like the Marines, on rollerskates.”

“Okay, okay, I remember. Reserve Angel, gotcha. I .. I thought it was just a joke, though. You don’t REALLY send women out on ‘secret missions’, do you?”

“Does this white speaker box look like a joke to you?”

“Well, actually ..”

“Don’t answer that. This is very real, Kimli. You are a Reserve Angel, part of my elite team of highly trained sexy agents, and as such, I need you for an investigation.”

“Really? I’m a little surprised .. why me? I don’t exactly fit in with the rest of your ‘sexy angels’. Why not get one of them to help you?”

“.. I didn’t want to have to say this, but frankly .. you’re the only Angel dumpy enough for this particular mission.”

“Ouch.”

“Well, you asked. I need someone who can blend into a crowd and not be noticed, and for this mission, dumpy is good.”

“Fine, I’m dumpy. What’s the mission?”

“We’ve had reports of a potato farm in Idaho that has a curious name among the locals: The Sex Cauldron. I want you three to investigate this ‘potato farm’ and find out what really goes on there when the sun goes down.”

“You three? Who else is coming?”

“I’ve teamed you up with two of our more experienced and sexy Angels – McKenzie is a photographer who has been asked to take some shots of the farm for a book on rural farms in the Midwest, and Jacqueline is her business manager. You’ll be going along as McKenzie’s assistant – and from here on in, your name is Fran.”

“Fran? Hot.”

“You’re not supposed to BE hot. If this ‘Sex Cauldron’ thing is true, we want you to be able to blend in with the crowd – and let’s face it, any sex club in the middle of the bible belt isn’t going to be packed with people who look like McKenzie and Jacqueline. You’re our star, Fran. Go out there and carry cameras and find out why this potato farm is known as The Sex Cauldron!”

“You got it, Charlie. Over and out.”

.. see you tomorrow.

things overheard at northern voice

Posted in adventure, everyday kimli by

People said this stuff at last night’s Northern Voice party:

  • I’m really disappointed that there’s no asiago cheese; smoked gouda just doesn’t do it for me
  • My husband keeps asking when I’m going to sleep with you
  • I had to take the bus here and I’m a little traumatized
  • I’m Chris, with a CH
  • I cant believe it – she’s not on Facebook
  • She couldn’t believe it was my 182nd birthday!
  • How does it open? Do you spread it?
  • People DIE! That’s the next big industry!
  • *OH*, *YES*
  • Say something normal!
  • STDs: DAMN!
  • What was the name of that movie? Is it on Itunes?
  • I have a US credit card, so I’m good
  • and then I stared at her chest
  • If my girlfriend ever had an affair with someone who wrote a sentence that boring, I’d shit twice and die
  • He had a picture of his balls on his Facebook profile! I was like, I KNOW THOSE BALLS!

Other things:

My EEE PC (that is a pain in the ass to type and say; from here on out it shall be known as the SqueePC) was a total hit – I had many people coming up to me and asking about my tiny, tiny laptop. I already carry it everywhere, but now I’m going to come up with reasons to always have it out and in use – I’m far too shy to ever go up to someone and say hi; the SqueePC seems to have the power to bring people to ME and force me to talk to them so this is good.

I had a really good time, and it solidified my resolve to somehow get into Saturday’s conference NO MATTER WHAT (dun dun dun). Luckily, my resolve needn’t been as ominous as the power chords sound – I was told by an organizer to give him a call when I arrive and he’ll get me in; or if I wanted to go the honest route, I might be able to take the place of someone who decided not to go.

True to my nature as an introverted extrovert, I spent the first couple hours last night hiding in the corner. However (and this was some savvy planning on someone’s part, I’m sure), it is very difficult to hide in a corner in a circular room. Once again, I found myself slowly coming out of my Shell o’ Fear and actually making conversation with people around me. By the time I had to leave, I had signed up to read aloud one of my posts to the gathered masses – un/fortunately, Ed came by to pick me up before my turn came up so my words remain in my head. It’s just too bad I couldn’t have arranged to talk about video games while wearing a corset – they would have had to drag me off the stage then. It’s a constant source of disgust for me that I am only ever really comfortable with other people when a) I can talk about video games, or b) my boobs are trussed up and on display.

The dinner was quite good – there were four types of meat served (why this is of import to me I will never know – you should have heard me squealing when Reilly once ordered a burger that came with THREE KINDS OF MEAT). I discovered that as much as I truly love bacon and the lifestyle that it implies, I really do not like the rest of the pig so much – a spit-roasted pig was served (thankfully pre-chopped; I don’t think I could have handled seeing an actual pig rotating on a stick) and it was not to my taste at all. Bacon (and sausage) is super; you can have the rest of it.

Also, I seem to have wrangled myself an invitation to a hedonistic sex resort. Sweet!

The pasta sauce was labeled as spicy, but I really found it more musty.

Meeting people is still terrifying, but look at me do it anyway!

jimmy is not that bright

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I see this every morning on my way from the boat to the train, and it makes me laugh every time:

2/10? Ouch.

Last night we went up to Cypress to watch the lunar eclipse. It was really cloudy when we left the house and for the first half hour of viewing; we were afraid we weren’t going to get to see the moon after all. Our patience paid off though, and the sky cleared up enough for us to see the moon be all awesome and stuff. I took a zillion pictures and some of them even turned out – check my Flickrs for more. It was brilliant! We even managed to beat the crowds up the mountain; we didn’t see a single person on our way up and for most of our photo taking. On our way down though, the viewing areas were jam packed full of people. We staked out the optimal spot nice and early and had the picnic area mostly to ourselves before we left for eating. Good times!

Today I am wearing a ridiculous shirt and bright green eye shadow. These will undoubtedly help me make an excellent impression tonight when I have to meet many people for the first time.

here are many words

Posted in adventure, everyday kimli, nerd by

Welcome to the first second day of the rest of your life 2008.

And now that the holidays are over, welcome to the return of Delicious Juice Dot Posting More Than One Sentence at a Time. It was getting a little old, and felt sort of cheap and tawdry – I have more words than that. When did I become such a verbal pinchpenny?

Our Adventure was exhausting but fun. We had only one night in Victoria, and it was full of mom-errands and mom-mending. She’s still really sick with the bronchitis, so we did a bunch of things around town for her after our wee gift exchange. It was a nice visit, but it left no time to see Mike and Krista who were home from California for the holidays, or meet up with Lisa and have a long-overdue coffee. I have confidence these things will happen at some point, though.

Sunday morning saw us up bright and early to catch the ferry from Sidney to Anacortes, Washington. The sailing was 3 hours long, and I spent a lot of it trying to sleep in the car. My mom still hasn’t gotten around to getting a sofa bed, so I dread our visits because sleeping on the ancient leather love seat (complete with steel girders) is just brutal. I got about 3 hours of freezing cold and paranoid sleep, so I tried to catch up on the ferry. Sounds easy, except the car decks of Washington State ferries are much different than those of the BC Ferries by which I mostly mean they are much more open and therefore INSANELY UNBELIEVABLY BRUTALLY COLD. Rarely have I been as cold as I was down on that ferry deck, but I just didn’t have the energy to move so I slept what little I could, shivering madly beneath my pitiful and not-at-all-warm jacket. COLD.

When we finally docked, there was an unexpected border crossing. We had surrendered our passports for swipin’ on the Sidney side, but once in the US they stopped each and every car for a physical inspection by cranky men with guns and flashlights. This took a very long time. Our cranky man tried to trip us up in our glaring, homeland-security-affecting lie – why did we claim to live in Vancouver, yet entered the US from Victoria? DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN! He grudgingly accepted our explanation, and we were finally allowed to drive through exotic downtown Anacortes and make our way to Seattle.

And, we did. We found Doug and Ali’s new house (which is gorgeous) without a problem, and settled in for an evening of visitin’. Mexican food was consumed and it was delicious with the exception of the ceviche, a normally fantastic dish but in this instance had clearly been left to marinate in the lime juice of the potent yet undead. The strength of the lime was unbelievable, rendering the whole thing sadly inedible. Boo! Ali and I ran out to run some party errands, then we settled in for a very cozy evening in the very large house.

Monday had Ed, Laura (the imported babysitter) and I taking a trip into Seattle itself to visit the wonder that is Archie McPhee’s. Ali had to work, so we were tasked with showing Laura around a little. I also had a fat wad of Ali-cash and a list of things to get at Archie’s – we were making goodie bags for the party. I had way too much fun picking out party stuff. After many large bags of goodness, it was time for my traditional visit to University Village where I used some mom-money to get all girlie with my bad self and also pick up a tablecloth for the party. Laden with goods, we headed back to the house in Kenmore to prepare the goodie bags and make with the pretty.

It is here that I must take a moment to let Carla, Ali’s nanny, know that I am not nearly as stupid as I appeared to be when we met. I don’t know that she’ll read this, but I am confident that Ali can pass on the message. During our initial howdy do, I let it slip that I didn’t watch TV or movies because, as I so elegantly stated, “I don’t have the attention span and I’m kind of stupid”. Carla Batman’d her way to an immediate conclusion that I must not read either, if I can’t sit through moving pictures on the talkie box, but obviously that is far from the truth. We assured her I can, in fact, read quite well, but attention was then turned to other things and the matter was dropped (until now). Carla! Please note that I am not dumb! You just met me and I didn’t feel it was a good idea to make you worry for River’s safety by going into my long-winded and complicated reasoning behind my no-movie-watchie ways! Our initial exchange bothered me from the get-go, so this is my do-over: hello, I am Kimli from Canada, and I am truly awesome in every way.

There.

The party was many good times, not in the least because Josh and Shan decided at the 11th hour (seriously, I got the head’s up they were coming around 11:30 that morning) to come to Seattle even though they had just returned from Texas about 9 hours previous. Yay! They showed up around 6:30 after enjoying a very easy border crossing. Drinking was done (not by me), “special” brownies were eaten (again not by me because I think Ed ate them all – he’s probably still stoned), and many many hours of Rock Band were played. I would like to take this opportunity to gloat that I didn’t completely suck horribly at drumming and actually did quite well, AND I managed to get over my ironic fear of microphones and do some singing to score 100% on “Dani California”. Yay for me! See above re: truly awesome!

We awoke sometime on New Year’s Day a little blurry-eyed (and in Ed’s case, still out of it) but happy. It was a good New Year’s Eve spent among friends. After breakfast we packed up our respective vehicles and gravy-trained it back to the completely deserted border, arriving home at 5pm. GOOD TIMES!

So, anyone know where I can find Rock Band for the 360 in Vancouver? Want! We have a 4-person band ready to go!

Oh, and staying up until 5am finishing Trace Memory was probably not the smartest way to start the second day of 2008, but the half-finished story end was totally worth it. At least the game was free.

Yay for home!

Now, someone hire me.

outrage and tacos

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I am *outraged*.

I’ve pretty much had it with taking the BC Ferries to and from Vancouver Island. The prices went up again, and now if I want to visit my mom, it’s going to cost us $135.10 to get there and back – and that doesn’t even include gas. That is more than just a little bit disgusting. Monopolies are fucking ridiculous. I hates them, yes I do.

We’re in Seattle now, at Ali and Doug’s new house. We got the grand tour, and it’s very impressive. I am jealous of it all! Their entire kitchen is the size of our apartment, and I am green with envies that Ali has enough counter space to have her Kitchen Aid mixer out. Mine is sad and in a box somewhere because there’s just NO ROOM. Boooooo. Hell, my new crock pot is sitting on Ed’s desk because I have no place to store it. I would be far more domestic than I am if I just had more ROOM.

And just in case you think I’ve gone all soft with domesticity, please note that I just bought 5 new DS games. All hail my sexy nerd ways!

Hey, it’s time for tacos.

 

christmas three point oh

Posted in adventure, international kimli by

We’re in Victoria, having Christmas with my mom. We went for the traditional this year – we bought her a shredder. It does CDs! Yes, it’s an old fashioned Christmas here in the capital city. Ho ho ho!

Ed and I got our traditional gift certificates (HMV for him, Body Shop for me) – and unexpectedly, a whole lot of cash each. I’m trying to decide if I want to be good and put on my credit card, or have fun with it instead. Obviously the fun would be more .. well, fun, but there’s also something to be said for FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY (namely that it sucks and is not nearly as awesome as new pretty things).

Tomorrow morning we’re off to Seattle via the San Juan Islands (sorry Matt)!

adventure!

Posted in adventure, international kimli by

Last night, Ed and I decided we would go on an Adventure.

So, tomorrow morning we are going to Victoria to have a late Christmas with my mom, then on Sunday we’ll be taking some sort of ferry from the island to Washington State for some fun, American style. Boats! Long bouts of driving! International borders! The blowjob ferry! Oh, it’ll be fun. No, really!

I’m trying to psyche myself up for it, because while I am looking forward to Adventure and seeing Ali and Doug’s new house and small child and also getting in my traditional post-Christmas visit to Sephora, I am SO VERY TIRED. Last night I think I managed to fall asleep around 5am, and was up again before 8. Between Ed’s snoring and my inability to turn my damn brain off, it was a very sleepless night for me. I have a million things to do in addition to the usual trip preparation – I need to run errands at no less than 6 places today, after I take Shan’s cat to the vet for suture removal (I am an awesome friend). So what am I doing? Sitting in front of my computer, randomly clicking on links and staring vacantly at the screen. I’m pretty sure I’m drooling, too. All I want to do is crawl back into bed, but I know that I’d never be able to fall asleep because my brain is freaking out that we’re going away in less than 24 hours and there are DIRTY DISHES in the SINK. Clearly, this is the end of the world as we know it and I in no way feel fine.

But, still. ADVENTURE!!

seattle was a riot

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No, really. I’m not just trying to be coyly punk rock; we really did have a good time.

Our border crossing was made of happy mistakes and miracles – the entire thing took less than an hour, as opposed to the 3+ hours it should have been. Someone made a mistake when allowing the duty-free line skippers through, and our lane went second instead of last. Also helping: as we approached the Booths of Full Disclosure, they opened up two more and cars were sailing through. The border man was more interested in the state of garbage pickup in North Vancouver, but we were allowed through with minimal questioning and we were on our way. Yay!

We landed at Doug and Ali’s place around 3pm, and finally got to meet the small human named River. She is, as expected, adorable and we all had a great time watching her be a baby. I was pleased to note that not only was I not afraid of the infant, but she also did not spark the dreaded maternal instinct in me – I came away from Seattle without a Lust for Babies. I didn’t think it was really an issue, but you can never be certain until you’re on the front lines and now I know.

We ate some lunch, hung out, then split into two groups. The boys went to drink beer, and the girls went to go do girlie things. It was at this point I truly decided (instead of the minor resolve that came after fondling Ali’s iPhone) that I want an iPod Touch for Christmas, and Christmas was right now so I grabbed one. I named it iPug. It isn’t nearly close enough, but I enjoy self-flagellation and irony in equal doses. I’ve so far spent the morning hacking it unsuccessfully; I am not a natural hacker so I am thinking this may take me some time before I have it doing the things I want it to.

On Sunday we all trekked out for some breakfast with Bobbie and her small child, then said our goodbyes. We spent the afternoon in downtown Seattle doing the touristy things – watching fish being thrown at the Pike Place Market, getting free hugs, drinking coffee, walking all over the damn place. It was good fun. I love Seattle, almost more than I do Vancouver – if I was able to, I’d live there in a second. Since I can’t, Vancouver is still most excellent and we’re close enough so I can pretend to be as hip as I tell myself I often am.

We arrived home last night around 10pm exhausted and laden with the aftermaths of our strong dollar consumer orgy. I am officially resolving to NOT let 8 months go by before my next visit; now that my fear of this one particular baby is out of the way I am confident that I will not be so hesitant to make the very easy trip down south to see some of my favourite people in my favourite city.

It is gorgeous outside, so obviously that means I need to scoot to the Italian supermarket for some fresh pasta and sauces for tonight’s dinner.

I like my life. I wish I had a job and a pug and harboured a little less resentment at my husband, but I can only hope that this too will pass and eventually I can be really really happy instead of just sort of mostly happy.

light fuse – run away – profit!

Posted in adventure, kitties by

There are very few things wrong with dreams in which you utter the line “I came here to fuck you and I fucked your roommate instead!” then everyone laughs and gets naked.

Just sayin’.

My subconscious has a much more exciting sex life than I do.

We had a very subdued Halloween last night. We don’t give out candy because we’re in an apartment and children terrify me, so instead we went out and bought fireworks.

I’ve never bought fireworks before, but it’s legal to do so as long as you set them off between October 24th and November 1st. All I really wanted were some sparklers for fun photo times, but we bought a decent assortment of minor explosives. Josh and Shan also bought fireworks, and we all piled up into the Delica and headed to an outdoor hockey square to light things on fire and watch them ‘splode.

And so we did. It was fun! We set off something called the Sex Goddess that was truly awesome, and took long exposure shots of sparklers and Jumping Jacks and other things that went fizz BOOM crackle burn out. It started raining far earlier than we hoped though, so we had to end our pyromania around 9pm. Still, we got our fill of boom and we have extra fireworks for later not to mention at least 100 more sparklers for festive times.

Sasha update: she’s doing much, much better. She’s actually put on a pound or so, and is loving the special vet food for ancient felines. I didn’t quite appreciate the heart attack she gave me last Thursday night, though – she had been scrapping with the other cats earlier in the day, and had a big scratch on her nose that then crusted over. She was in the bedroom giving herself a bath when she pulled the scab off and made her nose bleed – then continued cleaning herself, getting blood EVERYWHERE. I went to check on her and she sneezed, shooting blood all over the sheets. I flipped the fuck out and screamed for Ed, who came running to see what was wrong. Crisis averted; she was a little pissed off that I ruined her bath but holy fuck, there was blood everywhere. Also not helping: she had a red thread stuck to her tail, which in my panick’d state made it look like the blood was coming out of her butt which is never, ever good. BUT! All is fine. She’s still feisty and not liking the other cats, adoring the fact that she gets special food and many attentions, and hasn’t thrown up in almost a week. She is getting back to fat and sassy, and I likes it. Yay for Sasha!

corn dogs and gravity

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I like fun!

Last night the 6 of us plus Special Guest Jeremy went to Fright Night at the PNE grounds. It’s a pretty good deal if you don’t mind the cold; discounted admission to the grounds, a limited selection of rides, and not very many children. Perfect for us because all we really wanted to do was go on the Wooden Rollycoaster – it’s been on our List for a long time now, and we can finally cross it off.

Shan, Miranda and I were braver than the boys and we hit up the Swings and the Corkscrew. I regret my decision to go on the coaster; I do not like being flung around by rickety mechanics. Still, I couldn’t very well get off the ride once it started and I made the best of it. Thankfully the rides were Timbit editions; you only got to go around once which was fine by me. Scary! I went on the other coaster after that, and regretted it almost as much. If I recall, my prominent line of the evening was “WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THE TUNNEL WOULD BE A GOOD FUCKING IDEA????” and also a tragic picture of me was taken that will never, ever see the light of day. After we got off the coaster, we did other midway type things: eating corn dogs, playing silly games in exchange for crappy prizes, stood in lines, and had some good wholesome fun because we are good like that. I managed to get Ed on the Ferris Wheel, then we all decided it was time for real food so we left the park and headed to Denny’s. We ate questionable but delicious foods, had free refills on our much-needed hot chocolate, and left a giant tip for our awesome waitress. Oh, and we tried to spy on the police but we couldn’t get a close enough shot of their laptop screen through three windows and the dark. It looked like they were writing an essay. I hope someone proofreads it before they hand it in.

Good Times were had by all, and tonight we will attempt to have Fun with Explosives. Josh has his First Aid kit ready to go, and I am being strictly limited to sparklers, but it should be a good time. Yay for Halloween! Tomorrow, all the leftover candy will be REALLY CHEAP!

I took many pictures. Some turned out. Go see!