Category Archives: angst

this passion is a plagiarism

Posted in angst, nerd by

This is not a plea for random compliments. I don’t want my angst to be read as my fishing for love; I’m just typing words to make myself feel better because that is what I do.

I’ve been struggling with my self image lately – more than usual, I mean. On any given day I’m generally unhappy with my overall appearance but I can usually find something about myself that doesn’t make me want to break mirrors. Lately though, the whole angsty emo self-loathing has just been out of control and I’m not quite sure what to do (which is where, as always, the internet comes in).

The more involved I become with the gaming scene and in particular girl gaming, the worse my self-image and chronic rage seems to get. There are dozens of reasons why this is so, and I’ve helpfully narrowed it down to the worst offenders to my ego:

  • The “Miss Video Game” pageant that clearly states that girls need not have any gaming experience whatsoever to apply – they’re just looking for a face and body, making the entire thing pointless and rather offensive
  • The negative feedback from the peanut gallery and subsequent stage terror I get when I find out I have to be on camera
  • Opportunities going to people who have less to do with gaming and less talent (at everything other than shameless self-promotion) than I do because they’re more marketable than I am
  • And you knew this had to be coming, but the realization that the Mama Cass episode from January has affected me and my unhappy headspace a lot more than I thought it did – it’s one thing to shrug it off with a “their loss”; another when the people I was told to try to look like have the opportunity to make a career out of video games because they’re blonde and pretty and it’s looking less and less like I’m ever going to be able to go anywhere with this entire thing because of how unattractive I am

The entire thing makes me terribly sad, and I berate myself for both feeling this way and having the misfortune to be who I am and look like I do yet have too much stubbornness and anger to want to subject myself to that kind of environment, no matter how much I may want to be one of the pretty girls and cool kids. I can’t boil it all down to simply saying “I hate myself”, because that’s not really true – even in the pits of my angst I know that I’m fabulous – I’m just sad and angry to live in a world makes me feel so worthless because my talents are overlooked because of the package I come in and I constantly get passed over because let’s face there’s no (you’re not worth) marketing Mama Cass.

if you can’t change the world, change yourself
if you can’t change yourself, then change your world

wishfully naked

Posted in angst, everyday kimli, on air by

Hey, Vancouver – where’s a good place to get pierced? I’ve decided that I want a labret, and I want one now. It’s actually been in my head for about 4 years, so it’s time I stopped thinking about it and just did it. I also want many, many tattoos. This is what happens when Ed a) watches a lot of Miami Ink, and b) spends the rest of his time ogling naked Suicide Girls. It’s been a really long time since my last body mod of any kind, and I’m starting to feel the itch. Bring on the ink and steel! If I was younger and hotter, I would totally want to be a Suicide Girl. Alas, there’s no market for strange looking naked fat girls. It’s too bad, because being naked on the internet totally fits in to my whole “extroverted introvert” game plan. Plus, deep down? I’m an absolute exhibitionist. It’s just too bad I look the way I do and all.

This post officially marks a successful run of NaBloPoMo – one post per day for the entire month of November. Hell, I even double posted on a couple of days AND was out of the country without a computer part way through the challenge. That didn’t stop me from posting though – I totally rock the internets. I rock them old school.

Our efforts to get to the Space Station yesterday ended up being in vain – the Space Bosses sent us all home around 2pm because we were facing some pretty heavy snowfall. It turned to rain later that evening, and promptly froze over night. I’m working from home again because I couldn’t get the car out of our spot – it’s stuck tight. The weather is warming up though, and all this crap should be gone by the weekend; just in time for Josh and Shan to move in for realz yo.

I have Space Surveys to write, and UPS to hate on. They charged me $37 in “brokerage fees” for a box of audio cables worth $45. Thanks, guys. You are in no way complete fucking gouging assholes who should be set on fire.

i see you’ve played knifey-spoony before

Posted in angst by

Elvis Kimli has left the building apartment!

I’ve worked from home for the last two days thanks to the snow, meaning I haven’t set foot outside since Sunday afternoon. Today I was utterly fed up with being at home, so I bundled up as best I could (if I didn’t have proper winter wear in Calgary, what are the chances of my having it in Vancouver?) and set out for the space station.

It took some very fancy maneuvering to get the car out of our parking spot, but the main roads were more or less clear. Of course, I had to pick the day with the Heavy Snowfall Warning to be the day I left the house – I may be heading home soon, if the weather takes a turn for the icy. Also, the Space Station is incredibly frigid. The building owners are working off the Australian forecast – it’s the only explanation for the lack of air conditioning in the western hemisphere summer, and the lack of heat (but extra AC) in the dead of winter. It’s okay, really. I often bemoan the fact that I can feel my feet but now! No worry! If I play my frozen cards right, soon I won’t be able to feel my fingers either!

Hooray!

oh god, why

Posted in angst by

 

I’m hoping the men in the audience tonight can help me out with this one: what the hell is with men and taking laptops into the bathroom?!

Josh has lived with us for just over a week, and I’ve noticed that he takes his laptop into the bathroom a lot. I tried not to think too much about it, because that’s disgusting and my brain just doesn’t want to go there. I sort of hoped it was an isolated Josh-thing, but tonight Ed casually tells me he has to go to the bathroom – and he’s planning on taking the laptop with him.

WHOA. HOLD ON A SECOND THERE, BUSTER. The laptop Ed is currently using is MINE, and I absolutely do not want to know that he’s perched on the toilet and using my laptop for god knows what. Ed was offended at my distaste, asking how pooping with the laptop was any different than pooping with the DS. First off, his DS is his and I do not care what he does with it. Second, the laptop is MINE and it’s pretty damn universally known that I have an extreme aversion to poo – to the point of my not ever pooping – and I would seriously freak the fuck out if I knew he was pooping and using Matilda at the same time.

Do all guys do this? Do WOMEN do this? I’ve been guilty of taking various gaming devices in the bathroom with me for entertainment while I’m not pooping, but never a laptop. Hell, it hadn’t even occurred to me until I experienced the joy of living with Josh first hand. I am utterly horrified at this development and am now terrified that Ed will poop with my laptop perched atop his naked knees, concentrated evil streaming out his backside. Oh god, I’m breaking out into hives. Where’s my medication?

can’t bear the thought of losing; dread the attention winning brings

Posted in angst by

 

Project: Secret Welcome was a success!

 

We picked Josh up from the airport last night and brought him home. We had our own version of a welcoming fruit basket for him, containing everything he would need to successfully blend in: a Starbucks travel mug, an umbrella, and a tie-dyed t-shirt because we are all hippies. Ed and I spent part of our weekend wrist deep in secret tie-dye and came away with crazy bright t-shirts and a pair of most excellent pillow cases. Our next project will be to take on the rest of the sheet set I bought and turn our bedroom into a psychedelic wonderland of bad acid trips, complete with nag champa and Grateful Dead posters. It’ll be so awesome for a couple hours before we get sick of it, but it’ll be fun while it lasts.

 

I haven’t started packing for San Francisco yet. I don’t really know what to bring, and I don’t know the current restrictions for things you can take on the plane. I haven’t traveled since the ban on liquids – is that still in place? Am I going to have to go without lotions and assorted girl flavoured finery? I don’t even know what to wear to this conference. Do I go casual or formal? Does it matter? Probably not. I tend to get a little neurotic when I’m going to be on display because of the inevitable backlash, whether it be real or imagined. I am the world’s worst introvert – I love the spotlight, but I’m utterly terrified of being seen. This may come as something of a shock to you, but I totally have issues. Big ones. I keep them in my underwear drawer and kiss them good night before bed.

 

I just gave myself a heaping spoonful of angst. Sweet!

 

 

i’m just soggy from the emo

Posted in angst by

I don’t want to post today. I can’t simply NOT post; I refuse to fail at NaBloPoMo less than a week into the challenge. I just don’t have anything at all to say – nothing exciting happened last night, I feel like hell because I haven’t been able to sleep more than three hours a night for the last week, and I cut my bangs way too short on Saturday and look like a dork. More of one than usual, even. I dislike today. It is soggy.

I am hopeful that something terribly exciting will happen soon.