Beware the Ides of June!

To protect me against any Roman insurgents, I am dressed like a military dictator. This way when someone comes to assassinate me, they’ll be scared off by my intimidating yet stylish nature and run the other way. Would you fuck with Castro? How about Castro in a dress? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I have a somewhat hilarious habit of dressing like a revolutionary out for the blood of the people whenever I’ve got a Big Meeting at work and today is no exception. While Ed was able to stop me from pairing my (awesome) dress with combat boots and a rifle, he left before I put on the dog tags. Does it surprise you that I own dog tags? I do; several kinds. One even has lip gloss in it.

As with all things, my dress is complicated. It’s basically a shirt dress with a band at the bottom and is held together with buttons. Since the bottom is more or less cinched, I am having to keep my legs together – except I am many things, and ladylike is not one of them. I’ve popped two buttons on the bottom of the dress already, so I need to secure myself somehow lest the general public be privy to my underpants. Naturally, I don’t have any safety pins and I don’t really want to use a stapler .. so I did the next best thing: I closed my dress up with Smuttons.

I am a classy dame.

My birthday is in three days and the party in four, and I am Stressing Out about it. Last night I was all but ready to cancel the party, but Shan talked me off the ledge this morning and it will go on as scheduled. I’m starting to realize that as much as I love birthdays, I kind of hate MY birthday – it comes at the end of a long string of events, and most people are plain partied out. The angst and resentment I held all throughout school (my birthday fell during exams and people were always too stressed to celebrate) did not go away after graduation (partially because I did not graduate) as I had hoped – sure, no one is cramming for finals, but Real Life kicks into overdrive in June and people are Very Busy. Too busy, it feels, to pay stupid little me any attention just because it’s my birthday.

I know this is dumb and wrong and likely a little pathetic, according to the 30+ people who RSVP’d for my party on Saturday. As Shan pointed out, all the little freakouts I’m having can be resolved with one quick email (note to party goers: email coming soon), and I will have a good time. Yes, people are busy this time of year – but I should be used to this, and it doesn’t mean they hate me. Things are fine. Stop worrying and feeling unloved. You are stupid and taste like soot and poo.

I am awesome at pep talks.

the ellyfants said to chill out and take your pants off

My standard vacation MO is pleasing to me – return from some time off; immediately book additional time off. The hours I spent gazing into my crystal ball has foretold that Canada Day falls on a Thursday this year, so it would be beneficial to everyone involved (me) to take Friday July 2nd off. So I did! Four-day weekend? Yes please!

As much as I’d rather still be on vacation or at least sleeping, I am pleased that my return to the office is not traumatic. I’ve had jobs where I couldn’t trust the status of my belongings when I got back, or came in to find that people had rooted through my desk and helped themselves to what they wanted. The mountain of highly professional toys surrounding my workspace appears to be untouched, and there were no unpleasant surprises when I came in this morning. In fact, my desk would have been covered in downright excellence, had I not come in on Friday afternoon to pick up the 4 packages waiting for me. Hooray for mail! Hooray for presents for others!

I am, however, disappointed to learn that I am not a notable person worthy of an entry in the Who’s Who of Technical Writing. I mean, I am – but only according to the spam email I got congratulating me on my acceptance in the 2010 Cambridge Who’s Who Journal at NO COST TO ME. Hooray! Finally I am A Somebody with the aptitude to fall for an incredibly old scam! I was surprised to see that people are still doing this con; I thought it died out around about the time we stopped using dinosaurs for transportation. Learn something new every day!

I need to go renew Lola’s insurance and find out why I cannot slap a sticker on my ridiculous enhanced license to change my address. I have a sneaking suspicion they’re going to tell me I need an ALL NEW license for the low low multi-time cost of $35; something that will FILL ME WITH RAGE because for non enhance licenses, you get a stupid little sticker and that’s it. I’ll report back – it is very possible that there is a downside to allowing the government to track my every move.

My birthday is in four days. Everyone should buy me an iPad.

I’m still waffling on the damn iPad. I played with one last night and it was super cool so now I don’t know what the fuck. I have decided that I will Save Money for it – if I want one, I have to scrape together the money instead of whipping out my mighty Visa. And if I decide I don’t want one or one falls out of the sky at my feet, I will still have Saved Money for the next shiny new toy that I want.

I have a long way to go. At this rate, the 4th gen iPad will be out before I reach my goal.

The $90 is the contents of my Puggy Bank. I will update this thing when I find more monies.

I should have used the church graphic.

Eating jalapeno poppers at midnight can officially be filed under Bad Ideas, no matter how delicious they are and how much fun it is to squeeze all the cream cheese out before eating them.

I had the WEIRDEST DREAMS. At one point, I kicked both Lemon and Ed while running away from a weevil (who appeared as claymation Sphynx crossed with this thing). There were two of them; the second was mean and had a gun and said I was lousy in bed. I do not like the weevil. It is not nice.

Worse than the gun-toting mean-spirited weevils though; I dreamed I was pregnant. It was no good at all, but it was also funny to note how my dreams play out exactly like my waking life. When I discovered I was 4 months pregnant, my thought patterns went like this:

• Well, fuck
• I should call Ali and find out what to expect
• My stomach hurts
• If it’s a girl, I’m totally going to call it Dora
• Maybe I can give it to Kim; she wants to adopt
• OH MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO BLOG THIS

It’s good to know that my nightmares can retain some sort of connection to real life; no matter how terrifying.

I didn’t get an iPad in Portland, to my surprise – I could have easily done it, and Ed even said we could get one as my birthday present – but I turned it down. As cool as it is, I’m still not sold on the necessity of the thing (and I didn’t really want to spend the money). I’ve heard the novelty of it wears off pretty quickly, and I’m afraid that it’ll just be another expensive toy that ends up collecting dust when I move on to the Next Big Thing.

I like to have options, though. I listed a bunch of things on Craigslist – if I can sell some of my extra stuff, maybe the price tag will seem a little more viable. There’s always the iPhone 4, too. And of course, the completely boring option of not buying anything at all but instead using the money to pay down my debts. That’s a last resort sort of thing, because it is the Sensible Thing To Do but is no fun whatsoever and is therefore my least favourite option of them all.

Anyway. Need some stuff?

• Oscar the Awesome Scooter (asking $2500; down from $3500 last year)
• 16GB iPod Touch (purchased in revenge for not being allowed a pug even after he promised)
• 4G EEE PC (who needs 5 laptops? not me, apparently)

I might be selling my Macbook, too. Upgraded OS, RAM, two adapters, various cases .. prolly would ask $800? $750? Dunno. Don’t really care. Feeling strangely detached today.

Anyway, comment if you’re interested in any of my random crap. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all excellent crap – maybe I shouldn’t call it crap. This is why I don’t work in sales.

And like that, vacation is over.

I’m glad to be home, but I like being out there in the big scary world. It took two showers to get the travel stank off and I definitely didn’t miss our water-saving wuss shower, but I’m clean and awake and ready to take on the last official day of my time off. I’m trying not to be sad about it – I still have vacation days left and am thinking about taking a week off in September based around PAX, but the thought of going back to work on Monday is making me kind of nauseous. No offense, work, but you kind of suck compared to wandering around downtown Portland without a care in the world.

We spent the last night of our trip in Seattle, visiting with Doug, Ali and family. We met Hazel, who is small and cries a lot. River is as cute as ever, and enjoys being upside down. It was a relatively low key night for me; Ed and Doug went out for a Fancy Dinner while Ali and I stayed in with children and pizza and TV. I was introduced to the exciting world of Nick Jr and the Wonder Pets have invaded my conscious; something I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive Ali for. We watched some terrible sitcoms and some less terrible reality TV, then went to bed after the boys came home. I tried to get up early the next morning, but my head wasn’t having any of it and I had to fight off a migraine with additional snoozing. We said our goodbyes before noon, and headed north and for home (with a quick stop at the outlet mall so Ed could buy a wallet and I could buy a pretzel). The border was a small wait but a breeze, and by 5pm we were home with all our travel dirt, three happy/indignant cats, and several hairballs.

Our homecoming was sadly traumatic though, as Lemon appears to be sick. After an early evening of roughhousing and smelliness, he started making some horrible noises and appeared to be in a lot of discomfort. We didn’t really know what to do for him, and still don’t – but he slept through the night and morning, and seems happy. He’s purring and responding to attention; even rolling over to allow me access to his belly (usually completely off limits and was untouchable last night with a panicked meow of pain). I won’t be happy until he uses the litter box without issues to make sure we don’t have a stopped-up Lemon – I don’t like it when the cats are illin’. It makes for a sad Kimli.

Lola is all fixed up and ready to go, so I need to make my way over to Granville Island to pick her up. Hooray for warranty repair; boo for large service bill (she was in for her 4500km tune up). I’ll be glad to have her back, though. All I need now is some sunshine, and I’ll be totally set for Adventure!

we bought 5 pounds of salt water taffy. please come eat some.

Tonight was pretty much my dream night in Portland: Mexican food for dinner, Rock Band night at an awesome arcade, and an hour spent wandering around in Powell’s Books. This afternoon we also had haunted pizza, Voodoo Doughnuts, and hip coffee at Stumptown. We’ve done more than just eat in Portland, though – we’ve walked *everywhere*, and our feet hurt.

Tomorrow we’re off to Seattle to spend a night with Doug and Ali then home on Thursday. It’s been a great vacation so far, but I miss my cats and scooter.

domo is wooing ms. pac-man, but she's taken

domo out-hipped the hipsters at stumptown

not shown: domo's subsequent heart attack

I do not understand how Ed is not deaf and bow-legged.

I borrowed his scooter to run an important errand – picking up dinner from Anton’s – because Lola is still in the shop and I didn’t want to try to find car-sized parking on the street during the dinner hour. I still have Oscar but he’s uninsured, so Ed’s ride was my only choice.

I don’t think I’ve had a more awkward scooter ride; even that time I tried to scoot in a PVC skirt as a mockery of rain gear was better. His scooter is UNBELIEVABLY LOUD! As annoying as I find his ride because of the noise, it’s even LOUDER when you’re on it. Holy shit, I thought I was going to go deaf in the 6 minutes it took me to get to Anton’s from Sparta. How can he stand it? And the stance! His seat is so wide it felt like most of West Burnaby was privvy to my underpants. The whole thing made me feel really exposed – the seat, the stance, the fact I couldn’t use the mirrors, the wind up my vagina. My helmet is at the shop with my scooter, so I wore my backup half  helmet and that didn’t help the whole “feeling exposed” thing. It was awkward. I’m glad the food was worth it; you can’t go wrong with that much sausage.

We’re off to adventure bright and early tomorrow morning! I don’t know where we’re stopping for the night tomorrow, but I will check in with stories if the hotel has wi-fi. If not, I’ll check in from Portland. Hooray!

I can’t take it – this is so fucking cute I am going to explode:

hobble and lemon

they normally keep to themselves

oh god why are they so cute

Click the images to see the rest of them. They’ve been sleeping like that since ten am, and it’s now three hours later and neither of them show any sign of moving. It’s got to be illegal to be this cute. I can’t take it.

To cut the treacle, here is a clock made of lies:

it "runs" on "steam" aka LIES