Category Archives: everyday kimli

cat bomb

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There was a spider in my apartment this morning.

I’ve made great leaps and strides in dealing with my stark terror – ever since the Webcam War of ’03 (normally there would be a link here, but my archives are still broken), I’ve been able to grudgingly look at pictures of spiders without running screaming into the night. They still make me jump and shy away, but I no longer shriek and throw the book/monitor across the room, or make Ed cover the offending picture with Pokémon so I can continue reading the rest of the magazine.

See, progress.

The amazing progress I’ve made, however, does not translate into comfort around REAL spiders.

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I saw a spider on the floor. It was small by most standards, but still far too large for my own comfort – it was about the size of a dime, and it was dense. It wasn’t a wispy spider; it was big and dense and evil and black to a level I am not wholly comfortable with in regards to spiders.

I froze.

Then I called for backup.

Unfortunately, Ed had long since left for work and I was on my own. Undaunted by the lack of manly help forthcoming, I called out for the cats to come save me. The cats were unsympathetic and not rushing to my rescue, so I cast about for something else to save me.

Unable to tear my eyes away from the spider lest it attack while my attention was diverted, I reached out for the closest thing I could find that would double as a weapon. I grasped the first thing at hand and lofted it at the spider: a cat toy shaped like a sock. I would not die without a fight!

My aim was off. I steeled myself, and tried again; this time with a catnip-filled sheep. It, too, soared over the spider – but by mere millimeters. I let out a manly, capable squeal and made to run to safety should the spider charge towards me, but .. nothing.

The spider did not move.

Perhaps it was a stupid spider. Maybe it was stuffed full of evil spider testosterone and wouldn’t let something as silly as a scared girl end his mission of terror. Maybe it was trying to fake me out. Maybe it was a TRAP!

I know a little something about traps – I live next door to Admiral Ackbar. This was definitely a trap, and as soon as I let down my guard the spider would grow to the size of a horse and kill me with acid dripping from razor sharp fangs and stomp me to goo with eight hairy legs. Damn you, spider! Curse you all to hell!

Now I was pissed. You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married and ask me to do murder for money, crawl on my floors, scare me into making a mess of the cat toy box? This is not justice!

I threw another toy at the spider. This time, my aim was true – I hit the evil thing right on its evil spider head. That’ll show it who’s the boss, and it ain’t Tony Danza.

Still the spider did not move.

Could it be that my nemesis was already dead? I still feared a trap, but I inched closer (in that I stood within 8 feet of it).

Nothing.

I decided to look at this from another angle. I went through the kitchen and came out on the other side of the spider – you can never be too careful – and looked at it again from afar.

Nothing.

I got closer. There was no sign of movement.

Hey, look! It’s Cheddar! She peeped out a greeting, and sat there looking cute. Sure, she wouldn’t come to my rescue in my hour of need, but now she wanted attention and love. Oh, I’ll give her love, alright. I pet the cat in all her favourite areas, squishing her belly and rubbing her ears.

Then I picked her up and tossed her at the spider.

It wasn’t so much of a toss as it was a drop – we were dangerously close to the inert beast, and I needed to find out once and for all if my enemy was truly dead. My proximity to the fiend paid off in spades – my Cheddar Grenade was a direct hit.

SQUISH

She landed on the spider, then chirped in delight and came running back for more. Past her happy waddle I could see what was left of my enemy – a crumpled spider, sad and forlorn (but still dripping with evil) and clearly dead. I gave Cheddar some extra love, and hastily got ready for work. Sure, the spider might LOOK dead, but it could still be a trap – best let Ed deal with it when he gets home.

I don’t like spiders.

crank

Posted in everyday kimli by

I’m cranky for no reason. Most of it, I’m sure, has to do with the 6+ hours of QA I just did – not to mention the skull-and-crossbones-adorned sign I made this morning reminding me via post-it what is due this week and looming over my adorable head. I like my job, but today it is making me cranky.

Other things that could be contributing to my crank:

  • I’m wearing short pants and my ankles are cold
  • What’s for dinner tonight? Nothing? Awesome.
  • I want adventure. When is it my turn to have some adventure? I would like some fun now, please.
  • There’s a big ugly scratch right down the center of the right lens of my Usual Glasses. I broke out the Backup Glasses today, and things look funny.
  • Where the hell is that thing I ordered 3 weeks ago. Should I email them again? Packages make me less cranky, and I was really hoping it was going to come today.
  • I have a secret with a hilarious name that I can’t share yet
  • People don’t update often enough, damnit
  • Is it time to go home yet?
  • There are sites that are way more popular than mine and I absolutely do not see their appeal. What do I have to do to be popular? I want internet fame and notoriety too.
  • Sweet jesus, it IS time to go home!
  • Too bad I can’t, because there are still 5 post-its on my wall
  • Crap.

you wouldn’t like me when i’m batman

Posted in everyday kimli, nerd by

Last night a large cross section of our gang plus special guests went to see the Dark Knight at the Scotia Bank Theatre downtown. As an added bonus, my favourite Keeth was sitting two rows behind us and I got in some hugs. Yay!

The Dark Knight was the best movie I’ve seen all year. It’s also the only movie I’ve seen all year, so some of the glowing praise loses the shine when you realize the competition field is very, very small. I enjoyed it well enough – I think I liked the first one better not wholly due to my secret schoolgirl crush on Cillian Murphy – but it was nice being out in public with people, eating popcorn.

I might see another movie this year. I never did get around to seeing the first X-Files movie in a theatre – I think I saw it on a bus on my way back from Edmonton before I got a car. It’s been long enough now that I can forgive the boring mess the series turned into, and simply try to enjoy a visit with old friends. Also, I want to play Spot the Vancouver. I’ve also heard the movie is not part of the aliens-walk-among-us story arc that bored me to tears but instead fits into the Monster of the Week category, which were my personal favourite. So, yes. I believe I will see this movie in the theatre. By myself, if I have to. I am brave when sitting in my living room, wearing a fuzzy bathrobe.

While I managed to avoid the usual post-movie headache, I didn’t get much sleep last night thanks to what I can only assume is the pre-Pemberton party the idiots upstairs held. At 3:11am, our front door buzzer rang a bunch of times. It was, as it almost always is, friends of the idiots upstairs – not knowing which suite they’re in, they decided to buzz everybody and hope someone would just let them in. Big mistake. Not only did they wake up Steve At His Limit who went downstairs to rip them a well-deserved new asshole, they woke up almost everyone and caused Ed (who normally shrugs off the amazing inconsideration shown by the top floor) to open our door and call them assholes as they made their way upstairs. I hate the people upstairs. I hate their friends. I hate their parents for utterly failing to instil any sense of decency in their crotch droppings. A pox on the penthouse!

I am filled with an delicious sense of relief that I am not going to the Pemberton Festival. Every single thing about it sounds incredibly uncomfortable, from reports of 10,000+ people attempting to pick up wrist bands and being shut down by the fire marshals to stories of people trying to beat the rush by driving to the campsite last night and waiting 4-6 hours to park and get in. There’s the sheer cost of the ticket, too. Also, I hate camping. I know a lot of people are very excited about the entire thing and ten years ago I would have been right there with them, but now it just seems so .. icky.

Does this mean I am old?

I don’t think I am old.

I am just .. prissy.

pleasure

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One of the greatest pleasures I have ever experienced in this lifetime was being able to say to Ed “I need to pee; hold my nut sack” and be in no way trying to make a funny.

Bliss.

not a friend of trees

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Last week I placed an order online that consisted of many things, none of which were for me. Ed’s been enjoying the graphic novel renditions of the Drizzt books by R.A. Salvatore, so we looked online and saw that books 4-6 have been released with book 7 due out in August. We also ordered two DVD sets for his mom as a “congrats for finally coming to BC” gift.

The order showed up at home today. At least, part of it – book 5, and nothing else. Confused, I re-read the emails that Indigo sent me. Turns out they sent things in multiple shipments. Let’s see ..

  • Book 5
  • Books 4-6
  • Book 7
  • DVD Sets

Four shipments? Is that really necessary? The shipping was free, but what a stupid waste of packing materials and postage. Good game, Indigo. You are not a friend of trees.

Last time, they had the decency to pack my Chinese propaganda book, wordless graphic novel, and gay porn all in one box. Hell, the gay porn was even helpfully wrapped in brown paper. Not this time, though – let’s make waste!

Boo.

carded

Posted in everyday kimli, science by

The Purple Monkey Dishwatergate Scandal was demoralizing, but I’m completely over that now – my new desk RULES.

I’ve taken over two cubicles in the row of three, and I’ve spread out and nested quite satisfactorily. Already this morning many people have come by to comment on the coziness of my Science Hole. The overhead fluorescent lights in this corner are out (IT people tend to shun the light), and my window has a blind that shields me from that nasty “natural light” phenomenon – I can work in total darkness, bathed only in the unhealthy glow of my two LCD monitors; or I can choose to work by Ikea desk lamp as I am doing right now. It is awesome. If I had something to eat, things would be darn near perfect.

The Mail Fairy just brought me a present – my Moo Business Cards! I let them breathe for a few minutes before I tore the package open, and it was worth the tantalization – they’re *gorgeous*! I hesitated when ordering them because you’re faced with two paper choices – the original (used for Moo cards), or the “green” method (100% recycled, different texture). The hippie in me won out and I chose the green cards, and I’m glad I did. They look awesome! The cards also come in a nifty little box with index cards to separate other people’s cards from your own. So cute! I was a little worried how my logo would turn out – I had a bitch of a time figuring out what size the image had to be for decent uploading – but it came out just perfect. I love Moo. Every single thing I’ve bought from them has just blown me away in regards to ingenuity and quality. Yay for Moo!

Boo, however, for terrible Content Management Systems that are maintained by monkeys and crash in the middle of an article. No, I didn’t need that document I spent the last hour working on. Go ahead, crash Firefox. See if I care.

Jerks.

this is gonna hurt

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After spending most of yesterday running around in bare feet over hardwood flooring and concrete, I had a hard time getting to sleep due to the nasty leg pain. Knowing that my chosen shoes of the day would definitely cause even more pain tonight, I decided to try wearing my robot feet on the off chance that it would help.

Then I remembered why I stopped wearing the robot feet in the first place – it feels like my legs are rotting from the inside out.

This sucks. I hurt.

I think I’ll buy some muscle relaxants on the way home.

change of plans

Posted in adventure, everyday kimli, vroom vroom by

We didn’t quite make it to the Sunshine Coast on Saturday.

There were some excellent intentions – we left just after 10am, giving us plenty of time to get to Horseshoe Bay via Marine Drive. It was a lovely day, and the scooting was great. Around 10:40, we arrived at The Intersection and confusion set in: to our left was Horseshoe Bay, and to the right was a sign saying “Ferry Traffic”. Ed was in the “well, we need to get to the Horseshoe Bay Terminal, so we should go to Horseshoe Bay” camp, whereas my logic and DPS told me that we should be heading right, following the sign. Since I was in the lead, my cuisine reigned supreme. We went right, and immediately found ourselves on the TransCanada.

I had no fear, though. There were signs, signs that said “Ferry Traffic take Exit 4”. Heavy construction on the highway meant the speed limit was 50 km/h, easily handled by even the wussiest of our gang. Eventually, though, the construction ended and the speed limit shot up from 50 to 90 – no worries, we’ll just ride on the shoulder until exit 4. We were doing an inordinate amount of backtracking, but signs don’t lie.

Exit 4 loomed ahead, and this is where shit got weird. All along we were told to take Caulfield Drive to the ferries, which is fine – except at the exit, another sign said Ferries were to the left and Caulfield Drive was to the right. Well, fuck. We stopped to regroup, and as no one wanted to ride the highway again it was decided that we needed to head BACK to Horseshoe Bay, and take the ferry from there. We made our way through mystery neighbourhoods and expensive houses, winding down secret roads and barely visible “no exit” signs. Finally, we found ourselves back on Marine Drive .. at Lighthouse Park. Our little detour set us about 16 kilometers from where we needed to be. Super!

We did the drive again, this time following the Horseshoe Bay sign at The Intersection. There were signs all around that said “Ferry traffic this way”, so we followed them to find ourselves in the middle of Horseshoe Village. We rode around a little longer, then illegally parked so Ed could dart into the ferry terminal and ask where the hell we were supposed to go. In a group of four, in a village 4 blocks long, we couldn’t find the damn entrance to the ferry and it was infuriating.

Turns out, there was a good reason for that – we weren’t at the ferry terminal. I mean, we were, but for foot passengers only. There was no way for vehicles of any kind to get on the ferry from the Village; you were supposed to take the TransCanada to Exit 4 and turn off at Caulfield Drive meaning I was right all along (this is important, honest). Well, fuck. None of us wanted to backtrack along the highway again, so at this point (around 11:15am; we had missed the 11:10 sailing) we decided to change our plans and spend some time in Horseshoe Village instead. It would save us the cost of the ferry, the need to backtrack, and we’d get to hang out in a cool place for the afternoon – not too shabby. I still want to do Sunshine Coast at some point, but it’ll just have to happen later. Maybe in August. Yes, August.

I’m glad that my DPS didn’t fail me after all. I was seriously worried when it looked like I had led us all astray, and Ed was being a little vindictive about it – but my faith in my directional abilities held strong, and I pledge to always listen to my inner compass because it is never wrong, even when it looks like things are bad. So there.

Sunday was for cleaning – I went through all my drawers and closets, and filled three garbage bags with stuff for Goodwill. My underwear drawer is pristine – things are folded and organized, and my bras are filed by colour and newness. There still isn’t a hell of a lot of room in the closet, but it’s better than it was – you can walk around the bed now, and it turns out we actually do have a floor.

This is just the beginning, I’m afraid. Ed’s parents are coming for their first visit ever over the August long weekend, and I’m feeling about nervous about the state of our apartment. It’s getting there, but there’s still a lot of clutter that needs to be sorted and dealt with. Shouldn’t be a problem. We’re the only people I know NOT going to Pemberton next weekend, so I’ll have plenty of time to clean while everyone else is out having (expensive, loud, sticky, yucky) fun.

highly inappropriate

Posted in everyday kimli by

Being off the pill is *great*. My hormones are out of control! I kind of want to hump everyone and everything. I’m having recurring daydreams about being ravaged by strangers. I don’t really need to start taking birth control again, do I? What’s the harm in bad skin and the constant threat of babies when compared to being horny all the damn time? Seems like a no brainer to me. Hey, wanna make out?

I don’t really have anything else to say today. I could tell you a highly inappropriate anecdote about early morning fun and why I’m a $2 whore, but then Google might get mad at me. I still haven’t straightened out the “YOU ARE A SUSPICIOUS SITE” stuff, and it makes me sad that people are being told I am a malicious e-villain. I am not anything of the sort.

Today I am wearing heels, and as a result, I’m almost 4’ tall.

bad time for holey underwear

Posted in everyday kimli, vroom vroom by

Things that go through your head seconds before you’re turned into road paste:

  • Oh shit, this is going to hurt
  • You could have worn the cute lacy pink panties today, but you HAD to wear that old, holey pair that says “kiss me” over the crotch – classy
  • Fuck, this is my favourite sweater – if they have to cut it off my corpse, I am going to be PISSED
  • Wait, I’m going to be a corpse – I guess I won’t be needing that sweater

I was almost killed this morning on Marine Drive, by an oblivious woman in a red rental car.

Scenario: I was behind her in the left lane driving down Marine. I was behind her for 3 or so blocks, enough to note that a) she was driving a new red Cobalt, b) it had stupid looking brake lights, c) it was a rental car from Enterprise, d) I wonder if she’s going to pick someone up or if that’s actually her rental car. Right around Marine and Mackay, I moved into the right lane. All was good. I scooted along happy as can be, doing my usual scoot n’ scan – watching the traffic around me as well as the road ahead. Right before Pemberton, I noticed the red car out of the corner of my eye. It looked like it was getting closer. Sure enough, the lady decided at the last second that she needed gas RIGHT NOW and moved from the left lane into the right lane – into ME.

I slammed on my brakes, with the aforementioned thoughts going through my head. I was too busy braking and trying to stay upright to honk. The road is lumpy at that intersection, and I almost lost control of Oscar while trying to keep out of the path of the car. I was certain I was going to crash into her rear passenger door – she was about an inch from my front tire when I managed to slow down enough to keep from hitting her. I was also sure I was going to end up under her car – if I hadn’t been able to keep Oscar upright, I probably would have slid under her rear tire.

She turned at Pemberton, then into the gas station. I too turned into the station, thinking she was terribly embarrassed and wanted to apologize for nearly killing me. I live in a dream world, though – the woman drove her rental car up to the pump, rummaged around in her purse, and got out to fill her tank.

I scooted up beside her, and waited until she got out of the car. The moment she was completely out, I let loose: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CLOSE YOU CAME TO KILLING ME? YOU CHANGED LANES RIGHT INTO ME! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!

Ever seen a person look like this? :O

She had absolutely no idea I was there. She had no clue she almost hit me, almost killed or seriously injured me, and almost needed that rental car insurance. NOW came the shock and horror I had expected moments earlier. She apologized, of course – she was so sorry, so very sorry. I slammed my visor down in disgust and rode off, aware and pleased that she was now getting stares from the other cars that had stopped in the area.

I hope I ruined her day. She certainly ruined mine – I *hate* starting my day out with near death experiences.

I am very proud of myself for three reasons, though:

  • I kept Oscar upright and myself alive
  • I didn’t swear when yelling at the woman who almost killed me
  • I didn’t kick her door panel in when I pulled up next to her (I probably would have if it wasn’t a rental)

I can’t wait to see what the rest of my Wednesday brings.