Regrettable statements I have made in the last week: “Never have I been less aroused by the smell of an old person!”

Also, last night I dreamed about Peppermint Bacon ice cream.

Both of these things are gross.

My blueberry muffin came with a heaping side order of Jesus. Seriously, the last thing I need in the morning is a scolding from above – I can’t really get much more humble or meek, so stop force feeding me Repent Sinner Pie and let me inherit the damn earth already.

Of course, I’m not really in a good position to bitch about this. Last night I forgot all about my morals and let Ed order pizza from Domino’s, a chain I had been actively avoiding for years due to their founder supporting pro-life religious and political organizations. This is highly distasteful to me, so I avoided Domino’s for years and years while feeling morally superior and smug about it all. Then came last night, when I was so tired and hungry I forgot all about my socially aware reasonings and ate pizza of the damned. It wasn’t until after I had finished dinner and wondered aloud why it had been so long since we’ve ordered from them that I remembered my womanly outrage and promptly felt many shames. I am a bad person.

To make up for it, I am going to choose whether or not I would like an abortion. My decision: no thank you, I am fine as it but thank you very much for the choice and perhaps someday I will take you up on your kind offer.

Take that, religious right.

I feel a little less guilty this morning after doing some research and finding that the loony founder doesn’t have much to do with the company anymore so it’s not like Domino’s is taking the $25 I paid them last night and using it to force some poor woman to have a child she can’t afford. This is good, because it was a damn fine pizza and I plan on eating the leftovers for dinner tonight. I realize I should still have some outrage left over allegations of employee abuse, but there’s only so many things I can be angry about and still be able to purchase goods and services so I will instead focus my incredulous nature towards things happening in my own backyard and not, say, way over there in the UK.

Tasty, tasty pizza.

NERVOUS.

Will update when I can.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and I’ve decided upon my new job code – I’m a Mad Scientist.

Off to the lab to perform unspeakable experiments on tailgaters and jaywalkers!

I’m preparing to wear leg warmers to my first day of work tomorrow.

Nothing says “Entrust me with your secrets!” like bad fashion on the new girl.

Ed is watching the Super Bowl without a TRACE of irony.

Yuck.

I checked the mail this morning, and for a brief shining second I was awash with confusion and delight – someone was having a christening, and I was invited to it! Hooray!

Okay, so I don’t know of anyone due to be christened or of anyone who would invite me, of all people, to this sacred and blesséd event – but still! A fancy invitation in a heavy envelope with embossed calligraphy and pretty names on it!

My glee was quickly squashed though, as I realized that none of the pretty names were mine. I knew it was a little too weird to be true, but I still had hope. This faint hope was also extinguished, though – not only was the christening invitation not for me, it wasn’t for anyone in this building past or present. The mailman goofed: right apartment, wrong building. I don’t know the Gonzalez family, but I hope they have a very nice time at the exclusive christening of J. Alexander Vasquez Jr. *sniff*

By noon today I had done most of the things I didn’t do all week – I dropped off the laundry, got my haircut, replaced my mug with an even fruitier one, found a store that actually had 2L bottles of Diet Coke in stock, and took a test. I am a productivity ninja! A productivity ninja who is not invited to christenings!

Tonight: a fancy dinner for the celebrations. That will have to tide me over until I can work on getting my OWN invitation to little J. Alexander’s big day.

Spring needs to come now, please. I know a lot of people really enjoy the snow and find it enchanting, but I hate it. I did go outside yesterday and found it to be much warmer than I thought, but it was still wet and soggy and just plain disgusting. I really hate being cold. I’ve been using this “last week of freedom” as an excuse to be a serious bum instead of a half-hearted one (there’s so many more hours in a day when you’re not spending every waking hour wading through job sites), but mostly it’s because I do not want to go outside at all. I think I might be able to avoid the great outdoors today, but tomorrow I’ll be getting a much-needed haircut and doing .. stuff. Yes. Stuff.

I’m really nervous about starting my new job. Three things are weighing heavily on my mind: what am I going to wear; what will I refer to my job as; will they attempt to create an email address for me before I get there and make it “kwangzilla” instead of the much preferred “klwangzilla”. I have name issues, you see. Big ones. Giant. I must have my L!

There have been some really good suggestions for code names, but I’m leaning towards “Secret Agent”. I did like the suggestion of “Rodeo Clown”, but that’s what we use to refer to Ed’s job – it just doesn’t come up much because I never talk about his job and he doesn’t have a website. I also really like the idea of being a “Test Subject”; then I could work in all sorts of nerdy game references and also talk of shower curtains. I almost settled upon using Half Life – working at Black Mesa and having a job title of “Gordon Freeman”, but that would get old fast and also be all copyrighted and stuff. Oh, the luxury of choice! Maybe I should just wait and see what comes to me. After all, being an astronaut wasn’t planned – it just happened.

The sun’s coming out! Melt that snow, my pretty!

I am unable to be productive. I have a whole list of things I wanted to do before I start work next week, and as of yet I’ve done .. nothing. Yesterday I was supposed to drive Oscar down to the North Shore Yahama shop for a tune up, but it’s a little icy out there for that. Today was supposed to be haircut day, but my stylist is off until Friday. I also plan to do up a fresh henna job, but that’s a post-haircut thing – so it has to wait. What’s left? Nothing but housework, which I have zero interest in doing. BAH!

I don’t know what the dress code of my new job will be, but I have hopes it’ll dance on the side of casual. It actually came up in the interview, where I did my best to wax poetry about how much I truly love my jeans. I also brought up the fact that I work in .. uh .. whatever field it is I work in, and people like me aren’t known for dressing up in fancy, which was appreciated and acknowledged (I hope). Still, for the first day I must dress to impress. I have high and completely unreasonable hopes that spring will appear in the next two days or so, but I should probably plan an outfit that complies with the weather – which means pants of some sort, and something warm. I don’t own pants that aren’t jeans, short summer pants, or covered in zippers, so I should probably figure this out. Maybe I’ll go outside and see if I can’t find myself a nice pair of formal sweat pants, or something.

Ooh, I’m hungry too. Eating is productive, right?

My email is several shades of broken, so instead of stressing about it I will instead flesh out my paltry morning post.

I have a job! I received the call yesterday morning, and the offer letter that afternoon. It’s a real job with a real company, with a real probation period then real benefits and real vacation time and (I’m hoping) real co-workers. Whee!

They moved very fast – it was the position I interviewed for last Monday, and by that Thursday they had samples of my work, a list of references, and had called me to tell me I was their #1 candidate (this is the good news I never fully explained last week, by the way) and that they would let me know either way by the 28th. Well, my references apparently checked out (that was good money well spent on my part) and they offered me the job. I start next Monday, and I’ll be working in downtown Vancouver for the first time. I’ve already staked out the closest source of Diet Coke and ice, so I’m good to go.

Now I’m nervous. The HR lady told me they really liked me and that I was the youngest candidate but also had the most experience (what can I say; I get around). They were impressed and not scared off by my nerdy hobbies of video games and scooters, and – best of all – they took a document I wrote entitled “UAC Airlock Safety Procedures” as a sample of my work and STILL hired me after reading it. Clearly, this is a company that knows I am insane and yet they still want me. This can only be good.

I am excited!

Now, here’s the number one question: what secret code should I refer to my new job as? Astronaut is played out; I need something fresh and new and wacky. Ideas?

.. has a job!

Me!

Hooray!