Monthly Archives: February 2007

there’s something about ed

Posted in relationship drama by

Ed, while tolerate of my website in that he rarely asks me for details on my day’s events anymore because he knows I will just stare at him and point to the internet, sometimes complains that I never write about him unless I am angry and wanting the world to know how much he is not going to get into my divine woman flower any time soon. He does have a point – it’s easier to complain when things are not going well than it is to be textually chipper when things are just hunky-dory, which is the norm. So, in the spirit of soothing the savage ego, here is a list of Reasons Why I Like Ed:

  • He is awfully nice to me even when I don’t really deserve it
  • He usually smells good
  • He brings me Diet Coke refills whenever I ask, sometimes even when I don’t ask
  • He makes me laugh
  • When I pull his finger he makes farting noises which the four year old in me finds absolutely fucking hilarious
  • When I pull his finger he doesn’t *actually* fart, which would completely horrify me
  • He doesn’t watch me pee (long story, honest)
  • He seems tentatively open to our getting a pug
  • Two words: giant man-root
  • Knows and accepts that his wife is a complete gadget whore who frequently falls asleep surrounded by not one but four completely essential and necessary wireless getting-to-the-internet devices
  • Gives excellent hugs
  • Doesn’t seem to mind when I spend entire car trips making up songs about the things I see out the window
  • Made me chicken noodle soup last night to combat my Norwalk sarspox
  • Is generally an all-round cool dude

Awww. Don’t you want to just throw up in your mouth a little? I know I do every time I read mushy gushy love crap about significant others. So, in honour of cleaning out my mouth a little AND making sure the above praise doesn’t go to Ed’s head, here is a list of Things About Ed That Are Currently Driving Me Bat-Shit INSANE:

  • WHERE THE HELL IS MY DRY CLEANING
  • WHY THE HELL WON’T YOU GET YOUR GODDAMN PASSPORT – I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO INVITE PERFECT STRANGERS TO ACCOMPANY ME ON OUR BIG ANNIVERSARY SINCE YOU WON’T BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY AND HEY WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO SPEND A WEEK IN HAWAII WITH BALKI AND COUSIN LARRY

I feel better now.

i really do hate wearing pants

Posted in nerd by

Today I am at home sick with various diseases. I spent much of the morning lying in bed weighed down by cats and moaning, until I got thirsty enough to haul myself up out of bed to Do Something About It. I then promptly went back to bed and read Wiki entries about death and mutilation interspersed with sending snarky emails to work about clients being rude to my team. My team may only have one other person on it and really isn’t my team at all, but damnit I am fierce and mean when people are rude to my minions. Plus, I’ve been reading violent things all morning. You best step off while you still can, horrible client. I am watching you and making vague passive-aggressive threats on the internet.

This afternoon I was struck hard by a bought of both the coughs and some creativity. I stumbled upon an online application for a site looking for writers with wit, passion, and a hatred for wearing pants. I am at least one of those three things, so I thought I’d give it a shot. I don’t really know why – I’ve applied for positions like this before only to be met with a raised eyebrow and an uncomfortable cough. The majority of my “talent” appears to be in my own head, which, while definitely large enough to house ALL my misguided self-love, is often stark and lonely with a wicked echo. Maybe it’s time to seek love and acceptance – or more likely, disdain and rejection – from another venue, I thought. So, I applied. They wanted a short bio and three sample posts of what I would write about. I provided blurbs, because I have an extreme tendency to ramble and didn’t think they’d want to read a 70000-word dissertation on why Counter-Strike sucks.

I don’t expect much to come from it, mostly because I suck at words. Hell, after pressing submit the website even says “don’t call us, we’ll call you”. I’m sure that’s not a personal dismissal of my writing “style”, but I also don’t intend to wait by the internet phone. It was just fun to try and stretch my word wings and see what I could come up with, is all.

I’m toying with the idea of putting my samples online for feedback. It’s already said and done what with the pressing submit and my words going away, but at least if I don’t hear anything from the applicant reviewers I can still get feedback from my Army of Seven. I need validation! Tell me you love me! Tell me I can write at least a little bit! Tell me I have a talent other than drinking Diet Coke and being really good at computer Scrabble! VALIDATE ME!

Okay, I’m kidding*. Still, sometimes it’s nice to get feedback.

*: technically not kidding

stress’d

Posted in everyday kimli, fuuuuuuuu by

Hey, Kimli! You’re looking pretty frazzled these days – what’s up?

These things are currently marbling in my ass as we speak:

  • Bank and money issues – I know Ed’s taken care of them, but that doesn’t scrub away the feeling of being violated or my usual concerns about the money we owe and don’t have
  • I’m getting sick – I can feel the germs convening in my orifii; plotting to overthrow my immune system with five additional types of herpes
  • My astronaut contract ends in exactly two days, and although I know I am getting a new one, there have been no conversations about it or the fact that I am drastically underpaid for my role
  • My mom has officially put the house up for sale, and there have been some viewings already. If it sells (please please oh please), I’ll have to take a week off from work to go help her pack, move, purchase new furniture, do paperwork, and generally convince her that I’m an excellent daughter and totally worth giving some of the house money to
  • I miss video games
  • I am SO SICK OF RAIN
  • My favourite jeans are starting to become a little ragged to wear in public on a regular basis; all my other jeans suck, and it’s too wet/cold out to haul out the spring wardrobe
  • I feel fatter and uglier than usual, despite my new haircut and jaunty nautical sweater
  • One of my fellow astronauts recently had the Norwalk virus and another has a cold/flu with fevers and mucous and now my melodramatic hypochondria is in full gear – I’m not just getting sick, I’m getting life-threateningly sick!

Oh I totally don’t have time for ANY of this, and I also need a nap.

crime’d

Posted in fuuuuuuuu by

Oh bloody hell – our bank account got skimmed. A couple of things we tried to purchase yesterday were declined, which I just assumed was due to the wacky American debit system. Just to be safe though, I decided to check online banking this morning.

What’s this then – two withdrawals totaling $800, leaving us about .50 away from cardboard boxes under the Lions Gate Bridge. Well, fuck. It definitely wasn’t either of us, so it’s off to the bank tomorrow morning to deal with all the lovely things that come with being anal raped via ATM.

Too bad for the crooks, though – they hit up the machines *after* we had gone on a wild spree of cotton and underwear at Target. If they’d been a little more proactive in their thievery, they’d have gotten a lot more than $800. Instead, I have a new skirt and Ed has some work clothes and hah all over them.

Still, I hate having to go into the bank. I always think they’re looking at the secret bank information on their monochrome monitors from 1983 and thinking “Christ girl you are poor and seriously does anyone really need to spend THAT much money at 7-11?” We now have two things to take care of – the stolen money and the fact that the bank refuses to acknowledge the two times that Ed has gone in to upgrade our account to unlimited transactions for a flat fee instead of what we have now, which is a charge for every single card use. That charge for 89 uses at .50 a pop really doesn’t sit very well with me, more so than the crime itself because it’s the bank’s damn fault. Last time he went in to have it corrected though, the bank sent us a $25 Starbucks gift card by way of apology. Maybe they’ll double it this time – it’s going to take a lot of chai to soothe the angry.

Stupid crime, I hate you.

lost and perhaps found

Posted in international kimli by

I’m getting the feeling that someone is looking for me (dun dun dunnnnnn). My search results have been peppered with some very specific keywords in amongst the usual parade of perversion that brings people to this site – you’d be pretty horrified at the percentage of the population who search for “delicious ass juice” on a daily basis.

I suppose that won’t help my case, either – might as well make the best of it. Hello, perverts! How’s that delicious ass juice working out for you?

Anyway, back to all about me. I’ve noticed that someone or several someones have been looking for things that are very specific to me – “kimli las vegas” “kimli ces” “kimli fluffernutter ces2k7”, etc. Yesterday there was one more: a search for “kimberly flores las vegas”. My nametag did in fact give my last name as Flores, although my name is not and has never been “Kimberly” (seriously, calling me Kimberly sends me into a murderous rage .. but really, I’ve said too much). So, someone is looking for me. I hope they find me, unless they don’t like me and want to tell me I am fat and stupid and I suck. Hello, person who is trying to find the Kim Flores who was at CES 2K7! I am that person. I worked in the Creative Labs booth, making Q4DM17 sound interesting. Feel free to email me! I do not bite. I can be reached at kimli at this domain dot com.

I do love a mystery!

gimmie a head with hair

Posted in everyday kimli by

Help! I woke up with an irresistible urge to listen to musicals!

This happens at least once a year, usually right around this time. Bring on the musicals! Big, epic ones! I have an uncontrollable urge to rebel against society, expertly choreographed and set to upbeat music!

RENT, of course, is a long time favourite – but today, we’re reaching back a little further. In fact, update the war in question from Vietnam to Iraq, and this entire play suddenly has a lot of current relevance for something set almost 40 years ago.

Don’t mind me, I’m just getting in touch with my hippie roots. I’m also hairy high and low – don’t ask me why; don’t know.

ain’t got no home (so)
ain’t got no shoes (poor)
ain’t got no money (honey)
ain’t got no class (common)
ain’t got no scarf
ain’t got no gloves (cold)
ain’t got no bed (beat)
ain’t got no pot (busted)
ain’t got no faith (catholic)
ain’t got no mother (orphan)
ain’t got no culture (man)
ain’t got no friends (lucky)
ain’t got no schoolin’ (dumb)
ain’t got no shine
ain’t got no underwear (bad)
ain’t got no soap (dirty)
ain’t got no a-train
ain’t got no mind (lost it)
ain’t got no smokes (shit)
ain’t got no job (lazy)
ain’t got no work
ain’t got no coins
ain’t got no pennies (hustle)
ain’t got no girl (horny)
ain’t got no ticket
ain’t got no token (walk)
ain’t got no god (good)

ain’t got no grass (can’t take no trip)
ain’t got no acid (can’t blow my mind)
ain’t got no clothes (you’re full of puss)
ain’t got no pad (you’re full of piss)
ain’t got no apples (we got balls)
ain’t got no knife (can’t cut you up)
ain’t got no guns (we got bananas)
ain’t got no garbage (white trash)
ain’t got no draft card (burned it burned it burned it)

ain’t got no earth
ain’t got no fun
ain’t got no bike
ain’t got no pimples
ain’t got no trees
ain’t got no air
ain’t got no water
city banjo toothpicks shoelaces teachers football telephone records doctor brother sister uniforms machine guns airplanes air force germs
m-1 (bang bang bang)
m-2 (bang bang bang)
a bombs h bombs p bombs q bombs chinese checks hindus bindus italianos polacks germans youse jews ups and downs
vietnam johnson high school sex coffee books food scissors magazines news cigarettes hollywood tuesday weld burton-taylor pop art pop off popcorn popsicle andy warpop pop paper pop up popeye poppers england outer space astronauts jesus air air air air air air

I wonder what would happen if I listened to the above song and La Vie Boheme from RENT at the same time. I am fairly certain it would BLOW MY MIND!

all sugar, no spice

Posted in fuuuuuuuu by

Awesome: groceries! I love doing groceries. Having food in the house and planning yummy meals is an excellent thing.

Not Awesome: losing groceries!  Sometime after we got home we started to put away the stuff we bought. It was then I discovered that we were missing 5 things – three packets of red thai curry paste, and two packets of taco seasoning. What the fuck! That’s $10 worth of seasoning goodness, PLUS the thai paste came with free magnets! This sucks. I want my missing groceries!

nothing to see here

Posted in everyday kimli by

I had most of my hair chopped off yesterday, and it feels soooo much better. I tried taking a picture, but black hair against a black office chair makes it look like I am wearing a cape. I’m not – for once – so I’ll wait and take a picture when I’m not at work.

Okay, here:

Better pictures of me have been taken, but whaddyagonnado.

Once upon a time, I had something important to say.

snarky space station support

Posted in nerd by

[Client] I’m trying to use your program on a Mac
[Kimli] I’m sorry, but our system is PC-based – our Mac-compatable tools are still in the alpha stage
[Client] Is there a program I can download that will make it work?
[Kimli] Yes .. Windows.