I totally went all CSI on the Mazdabator last night.

While we were talking to the cops and checking out the damage done to our car, a question came up: was the dent made by a foot or someone’s head? It was a reasonable question; the dent was roughly head-shaped and we had been told that a fair amount of head trauma sent one of the idiots upstairs to the hospital. Feeling the most qualified to answer the question at hand (fie on you, police), I hunkered down to inspect the car for trace amounts of blood or hair.

Fortunately (or unfortunately because what a good story that would have been), I was able to detect a faint boot print on the car and an absence of DNA. The damage to the Mazdabator was caused by a boot, or perhaps someone wearing a boot as a hat (it could happen). I am very tempted to go outside and try to get a static imprint of the shoe tread, then see if I can match it to anyone. I knew all my crime-TV watching would come in handy for something other than planning the perfect murder!

So, here’s what we know about last night:

• I told the cop that everything began the same time I heard the idiots upstairs come home, and that if nothing else, they probably witnessed the incident
• He brushed me off, saying he saw no reason to wake them up to ask questions – um, what?
• Josh and Shan came out and added to what we knew; the idiots upstairs didn’t just witness the event they were actually involved and quite possibly the instigators – yelling at the other party from their balcony, throwing threats back and forth, and eventually gathering up their posse to take the fight outside
• At this point, one of the idiots upstairs was jumped and suffered a head injury
• Our car was banged up by someone in one of the two fighting groups
• Drunk Betty came out accompanied by her deaf suitor and loudly wondered at what was going on – she proceeded to tell the entire neighbourhood that she’s lived here for 13 years peacefully
• Drunk Betty called the cops
• Someone threw a large shell at the front door of our building, shattering the glass
• The idiots upstairs were “shaken up” and used the rumble as an excuse to give me lung cancer by smoking in the hallways
• I hate them so very much
• The idiot cop that brushed me off was WRONG WRONG WRONG to do so, as it turns out the idiots upstairs were actually at the police station giving statements because hey look at that they were directly involved in the whole incident (thanks to a phone call from the officer actually in charge of the case)
• Sally is just fine (I checked on her)
• Our primary suspect is Aquaman

And to think I was worried about things being too quiet!

I’d been awake for the better part of an hour listening to the rumble outside, thinking that a) it was awfully early in the year for the gang fights to be starting already; and b) it was a good thing I hadn’t deleted the Sharks! Jets! category like I was thinking about doing because of the lack of choreographed dance-offs happening lately. Since I knew there were things going on and drunk people everywhere, I didn’t think much of anything when our intercom buzzer went off:

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz

Oh, shit. Go away, drunkos, I’m not letting you in.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzz

I really hope they’re not leaning on all the buzzers waiting for someone to open the door. Maybe I should get up and go lean out the window and tell them to fuck off.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

What the fuck?

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

*pad pad pad* Who is it?

THIS IS THE POLICE

Um, WHAT?

All the craziness I had been listening to was apparently someone’s bike being stolen and said stealee being assaulted in the head. While all this was going on, someone saw it fit to a) take a shell (?! who goes on a rampage with a SHELL?) and smash the fuck out of the front door of our building, and b) take a large boot to the rear passenger door of the Mazdabator. The police were looking for Ed, to tell him that his car had been pounded upon during the altercations out front. Well, shit. Ain’t THAT a nice way to wake up on a Friday morning! Goooooood morning North Vancouver!

Strangely enough, all the ruckus outside started the same time I heard the idiots upstairs yell their way home and loudly stumble up and down and across the stairs and floor above ..