I did everything right: I talked it over with my partner. I did my research. I waited until I was past 30, because at 29 I was clearly too irresponsible and indecisive to make such an important decision about my reproductive schedule. I weighed the pros (no babies) versus the cons (babies) and came to a perfect ten in terms of what I want. I am not being selfish or immature and I will not change my mind. In fact, it is incredibly easy for me to say never: watch me do it now.
I do not want children. I will never want children. I have known I do not want children since I was but a wee Kimli, and now that I’ve grown into a wee adult Kimli, my resolve is still strong: childbearing is not for me. Never will I want children. My womb will never open for business. I like my eggs like I like my dirt: unfertilized and sperm-free. I am the president in excellent standing of Team No Babies. The shirt is literally in the mail. I DO NOT WANT CHILDREN.
So why oh why will you not tie my tubes?
I was in gynecological wonderland today, visiting a new doctor about a variety of things to do with my womanly gardens. I successfully steered the conversation towards contraceptives, because I am looking for a new – hopefully permanent – method of keeping my vagina free from babies. I let it be known that I was on the pill for nearly 11 years, but I recently stopped taking it because I first ran out, and then I realized how great it was to not be on hormones (my sex drive came roaring back, the horrific acne that was supposedly kept at bay by that little blue pill has yet to appear, I felt liberated and not tied down to remembering to take the stupid things every day and did not miss the panic when I inevitably missed two or three days at a time, I am having fewer headaches). Since I thought I’d be long past the age of the insulting “you’ll change your mind” talk, I felt I was a shoe-in for tube tying.
But .. no.
The doctor, while very nice, stressed that tube tying is as permanent as it’s going to get and that it should be considered irreversible (all reasons I wish to do it), and “never say never!” – it’s not a good fit for me.
But it IS. It’s a great fit. It fits so well it is like a glove. It fits like painted-on latex; it fits so well.
She wants me to go back on the pill. It worked so well for me in the past (no sex drive, terrible consistency and additional headaches aside), she reasons, that if it ain’t broke why fix it?
Because I WANT to fix it. One of the things I adore about living in Canada is my legal, unrestricted access that wonderful word: CHOICE. I am exercising my right to CHOOSE what happens to my body, and I CHOOSE to not want children therefore I CHOOSE to take the steps necessary to prevent the unwanted children from accidentally appearing on my wombstep.
The Man – in this case, a woman – does not want me to do this. Never say never, she says, the delighted breeder gleam appearing in her eyes. I’m sure she was once like me, strong and proud and confident that she would never want children – but then one day the heavens opened and the angels sang and a choir of giggling, cooing babies sang forth and called her to a woman’s true duty: motherhood. I’ll change my mind one day, and I too will long for babies. I have to. I’m a woman; it’s what we do.
I am frustrated and more resolved than ever.
However, I also hate condoms.
I won’t go back on the pill. Same for the patch, because having to remember to change it once a week is a pain. I will settle for no less than one of the following:
- The Vaginal One Ring, which I will also be grumpy about because I’d have to change it every three weeks
- An IUS, which is like an IUD but contains some sort of magical non-estrogen medicine that will keep me baby-free for 5 years
- Tubal ligation
I told her I’d talk it over with my husband (and the rest of the internet) and call if I decided to go with an option that is currently not sitting on my bedroom floor.
If I go with the IUS and after 5 years they STILL won’t cut my damn tubes, I’m gonna start having babies out of spite and leave them on the doorsteps of my doctors.
Say it loud, say it proud: TEAM NO BABIES!
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Huh. When did they start calling Mirena an IUS, instead of an IUD? I’m on my second one, and it’s always been called an IUD… did it stop being a device sometime in the last 6 years? So confused.
Anyway: Yeah, the IUD (I’m resistant to change) is my compromise on the “we don’t trust you not to sue us when you invariably change your mind” bullshit the doctors have been giving me since I was 22.
Luckily, it’s pretty inert, and I rarely think about it. It’s not as good as being irreversible, but it does decrease the urge to kill the doctor for NOT LISTENING TO ME. (In my doctors defense: SHE’S on board, but she doesn’t know of a surgeon who’ll do it for me. Awesome.)
I use the ring.
For me its great, i hated taking a pill every day and this is a much better alternative.
However, you still get to deal with all the hormone stuff :S
Vasectomy? Cheaper, safer, more reversible.
I’ll let Ed explain this one, but a vasectomy is not an option.
Too huge?
Also, the regular copper IUD is good for ten years (a whole freaking decade!), and has zero hormones. I love mine.
Of course, my husband also has had a vasectomy. We’re doubled up!
Maybe what you need to do is rent/borrow a brood of screaming kids to the gynie office and say they’re yours and that you want your tubes tied.
Also, it weirds me out that the medical profession won’t let normal healthy women get such treatment yet will have the government PAY for unhealthy welfare mothers to get FERTILITY TREATMENT (I’ve heard stories from doctors). They seem to go against everything I believe in.
This kind of shit is why I’m not even attempting to have That Conversation until I’m 35 (and my doctor wants to make me go off my BC of choice then). Even then it’ll probably be like pulling teeth, and my doctor is pretty sane.
Absolutely freaking ridiculous. Team No Babies FTW!
Big ups the nobabies massive!
Hahaha! I was going to say “Why doesn’t Ed get fixed?” but clearly someone beat me to it. My only other idea was “be a lesbian”, because that’s worked for me for several years. Obviously, I am no help whatsoever. Carry on.
Wow, that’s ridiculous. It’s sad how far things have yet to come.
Makes me so mad!
I never understood why CHOOSING not to have babies isn’t celebrated. I mean, for every person I know who accidentally got pregnant or whose baby making decision was based on “let’s see what happens”, for all the people who got pregnant to fix a relationship or attach themselves to a partner, or just figured “it’s just one more” or “I always wanted 5 kids” or had one more to keep the only child company, more thought is put into getting a pet.
Why don’t we get a fucking parade?? I mean seriously, we should be having No-Baby Showers, you can buy us trips to adult only resorts, whisky and cigarettes and bottles of toxic cleaners that we can store on easy to access bottom shelves.
I don’t care what your choice is but if it’s No Babies it should be respected and appreciated. Last time I checked we still had a choice but it seems like very few people actually make the choice and the only one that counts is pro babies.
You can guess what team I play for. Sorry for the rant.
Carry on.
Does Ed have a superpower like the cheerleader in Heroes where he instantly heals? That would be awesome if that was the reason…
:D
I have had most of those (my recent tubal ligation surgery was botched/scrapped and so I can’t weigh in on that). The IUD (Mirena, 5 year) is my method of choice since it requires me to futz with it once every 5 years. I have had the ring (problem-free but for the every 3 weeks self digging) and the patch (annoying what with the weekly thing and also the adhesive sticky junk like bandaids), and the pill (you’ve been there, done that). So I say, IUD.
It hurts like HELL going in. Get happy drugs first.
We’re living large in vasectomy land over here, and I – as you know – call Vice Pres on Team No Babies
I’ve never even heard of a childless woman being granted her wish of tube tying, but I was hoping that you’d be the first at least in my circle. I agree with Barb – the choice should be celebrated, and as much as fertility treatments are available for those who choose that route, it’s ridiculous that you’re unable to choose to play for the other side.
I say give the IUD/IUS a try…. but it didn’t work for me. Not only did it hurt like HELL going in – as said in the comment previous – for me the hurt didn’t go away and I was doubled over in pain and severe cramps for a few days before going in to make it go away. I hope for your sake if it’s the route you go that you have a much better experience with it!
Yep- vasectomy is the way to go- one simple snip and you’re done.
The pill didn’t agree with me either. Yuck.
Perhaps all us Team No Babies members should throw our own “I don’t have a baby” shower?
Ms. Barbara has a great idea. We should totally hold No-Baby Showers.
This does rather smack of sexism/human rights, doesn’t it? Are they more willing to perform vasectomies on guys our age just because it’s easier to reverse? Hmm.
I wish I were getting enough sex to be thinking about this sort of thing, but I’ve been on BCP since I was 17 (and I’m 30 now) and when I tried to go off them earlier this year (for the first time) I was so horny I was humping table legs in restaurants. But I wasn’t getting any real action, so I went back on them so as not to embarrass my friends in public.
Find a new doctor. After begging for 5+ years, I finally got a doctor who would give me a tubal. Wait list was over a year, but easily best decision ever made.
Yeah, get a different doctor. Tell this one “Tie my tubes or refer me to somebody who will,” that might punch through her layer of sanctimonious crap. Grrrrr. This stuff makes me so mad. I’m going to be growling all day now.
I wanna hear the vasectomy story.
My GP made me wait until my second child was one year old before he’d refer me, just to make sure. Which was fine, fairly standard procedure I gather, and at that point it was all systems go.
For us, the reason isn’t so much that we don’t want any more kids, because we do, but apparently my wife is prone to dangerous pregnancies. Seems like a good reason. We’ll look into foster care in the future.
We are also ‘doubled up’ and it’s great. :) Best $35 I’ve spent and aside from the 60 year old man mashing on my balls, it was really easy.
Why does no one use diaphragms any more? I’m definitely not interested in babies for a while, and I love my trusty rubber baby bumper. No hormones! Fun jelly! At the very least, think about getting one while you find another doctor because we weemins have a right to choose babies or no babies.
Meg, 30 years and 10 months ago my Mom’s diaphragm failed and here I am!
Personally, I am kind of glad she made the poor choice in birth control!
In the middle ages they used lemons.
meg: be warned that contraceptive jellies (containing nonoxyl-9) can cause an increased risk of STI’s (specifically, HIV & Hep C), due to causing abrasions in the walls of the vagina & anus. Can also cause an increase in UTI’s.
Translation: That shit’s basically like pouring bleach in your hoohaw. Yikes.
That said, if you’re in a monogamous, fluid-bonded relationship and you’re using it solely for contraception purposes… well, quite frankly, I still wouldn’t put that stuff inside me, but I have a del-ee-cat ecosystem “down there” and prefer not to pour abrasive chemicals in… but YMMV. :)
I had the paraguard IUD. It was non-hormonal and good for 10 years which rocked! It was just a pinchy feeling going in and out. But I had a baby so I don’t know if that makes a difference.
I now got the essure tubal done. It was a same day, non-invasive surgery. I highly recommend it.
I would find another doctor if I was you. Thats a load of crap. If you don’t want to have children then thats your choice. I’m sure there is a doctor out there that will do it.
good luck!
As a proud member of Team Babies I’d just like to weigh in and say, WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with these doctors? There are countless members of Team Babies whose doctors should have tied the knots around about when these mothers hit puberty. But that’s just cuz I have a low opinion of humanity.
When I got my IUD it didn’t really hurt going in, but then again I had it inserted two months after giving birth and as I told my doctor (I think I embarrassed him a lot) “you could drive a bloody lorry up there and I wouldn’t notice”. TMI? Hah. tough.
For non-breeders I’ve heard the insertion can be quite painful though… definitely load up on the happy pills. Also, my periods are heavier now and more red than before. Just an observation. Cramps for the first couple of months were worse than before but now it’s pretty much the same as before.
YEA TEAM NO BABIES! WHOO HOO!!
Perhaps info on my current pursuit of the lovely tubal ligation will help you with yours?
The two themes I’ve heard from childfree women who were able to get tubal ligations are:
(1) Be stubborn as hell and bringing it up with your doctor every chance you get. You want a demonstrated history of wanting it, so it’s clear that this isn’t a sudden or rash decision.
(2) Find a male doctor, preferable fresh out of school.
I had 2 Paraguard IUDs in 3 years. Two years in I had my first one removed because it had moved into a lower part of my uterus and I was having cramps all month long. I discussed options with my new doctor (a male resident), but after I refusing everything but sterilization or copper IUDs, he encouraged me to replace my old IUD with an identical new one. 13 months later I was back to have it removed. I couldn’t take the cramps any more, even on codeine.
My doctor begged me not to make him talk about sterilization again, said he couldn’t bring himself to perform it because he was afraid I’d come back to him and say I regretted it. When I refused to drop the topic, he brought in an (absolutely gorgeous male) attending, who spent 20 minutes trying to intimidate me — invading my personal space, telling me over and over again what we were going to try next (the pill, the shot, a Minera IUD, just plain condoms), spewing statistics that weren’t at all consistent with what I’d found in medical journals, even bringing my weight into questions. I never contradicted him, but would bring up concerns with specific sorts of birth control, and threw in a couple statistics of my own (such as studies consistently showing lower occurrences of regret in childfree women). He finally agreed to take the case to the surgical committee — if I got an evaluation letter from a psychologist, saying he would feel comfortable letting me make the choice so long as I was making it from a stable place emotionally and I understood it was permanent. He seems confident he can convince the surgical committee (which is required to sign off on all elective female sterilizations).
Regardless of his confidence, I’m a 25 year old childfree woman — I’m unlikely to get approval from the surgical committee the first time around. So I’m also working on other plans, one of which will double as scare tactics for the surgical committee. If I can find the stamina, I’ll also go to other hospital systems in the area and go through the same steps, as well as appealing their decisions. But if they don’t decide to trust my decision by the end of March, I’ll be visiting a Marie Stopes clinic in London and paying for the tubal ligation out of pocket (the previously mentioned scare tactics being “medical tourism” via a Marie Stopes clinic in London).
Good luck on your journey!
I’ve been going to Planned Parenthood (in Sacramento, CA) for my birth control as long as I’ve been sexually active, and at 19 they’re ready to give me an IUD if I want it. I am not convinced that if I asked then too they wouldn’t tie my tubes. I was on the depo-provera shot for 2 years and loved it, now I’m on the pill which is a terrible hassle, nothing like the peace of mind I used to have. I highly suggest consulting with them if you can, if there is any organization that believes women have every right to control their own fertility, and has the resources to help you do so, it is Planned Parenthood.
I had the copper IUD, no doctor would insert it except the Planned Parenthood Clinic. It was awful. Gave me awful cramps and lots of bleeding. But I’ve heard people who’ve had success with it.
Then I tried the Minerva IUD, and I’m going to sound like a commercial about it. Love it. a) no more cramps. b) period 2-3 times a year c) no hormone crazies.
So between condoms and the IUD, I’m doubling up.
I’ve been looking into Essure, but I haven’t found a doctor here who knows about it or will do it. I would love an Essure referral.
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