Last week in a violent fit of patriotism, I applied to be a volunteer for the 2010 Winter Olympics.

I’m still slightly bemused with myself for doing it – I am not a fan of Teh Sports. I think too much money is spent on sports instead of on arts and sciences. There’s also the uproar over the cost of the Games – enormous bills being footed by the taxpayers that will eventually affect me, and the questionable purification of East Hastings. There’s a lot to furrow my brow at, for sure.

Then there’s the other side. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be part of something worldwide and epic. I like my city, and I want us to dazzle the universe when we’re in the spotlight. It might be fun. I’m big on Experiencing Things, and this would definitely be an Experience. I’ll try anything once – it gives me things to write about, which I enjoy. Behind the scenes is so much more fun than my living room.

I’m off to some sort of volunteer interview this afternoon. I have to submit myself to a background check, which I find hilarious. It’s a three-hour process; interviews are done in groups or individually if they think you have Secret Skills they might want to exploit. We’ll see how it goes. I said I wanted to be a performer in the opening ceremonies, but I am realistic to a fault – just because I make an excellent dancing zombie does not mean they are going to put short fat Asian girls on the world stage. I highly doubt that’s what I’ll be doing – assuming I pass the background check – but I DO have other talents.

I may be in this to help the city, but I also have my limits. If it’s determined that my role in the Games will be to sell hot dogs, I’m out. I can (and do) sell hot dogs at home; I don’t need to use up all my vacation time next year to be proud of my meat-slinging contribution. I’m hoping there will be an interesting place for me. I’ll donate my time, but only if there’s something – namely, an Interesting Experience – in it for me.

What do you wear to a background check, anyway?