For reasons I am not sure I fully understand, I have applied for an Enhanced Driver’s License. For an additional $35 (on top of the $75 I already have to pay for a new license), a 2-hour invasive interview and giving up my right to any sort of expectation of privacy, I will perhaps be issued a fancy microchipped official government ID that will allow me to .. walk or float into the US without a passport.

I made an appointment for next Monday, where I will be locked into a dark, windowless room and be asked questions by men in dark suits and sunglasses. I may or may not wear a skirt and go commando, just in case the opportunity to cross my legs suggestively presents itself. The questions I will be asked include things like:

• Are there outstanding criminal charges against you in Canada?
• Are you forbidden to leave Canada?
• Are you currently in jail?
• Did you renounce your Canadian citizenship?
• Were your parents spies?
• Do you understand the appeal of Nickelback?
• William Shatner: The greatest entertainer of all time. True or Totally True?
• Do you jaywalk? (this is a trick question – real Canadians don’t jaywalk; it isn’t polite)

This is going to be grueling and potentially devastating. What if I fail? I don’t think I could take the shame of  not being worthy of government survaillence around the clock. Not to mention the fear – the woman on the front of the ICBC EDL flyer looks a LOT like my mom. She may be smiling now, but I just know her other unseen hand is gripping a wooden spoon and will lash out to slap me across the knuckles if I don’t wash the dishes or bring a hammer or buy her a little man on a horse. I’m afraid. Maybe I should cancel this appointment.

I’m sure it’ll be fine, though. I mean, if I pass the rigorous testing, just look at the benefits I can look forward to!

• a convenient wallet-sized card that serves as your licence to drive and
  denotes your identity and citizenship
• a viable alternative to a passport for business or pleasure travel to the U.S. by land or water
• less expensive than a passport for entry into the U.S. by land or water
• latest security features to prevent fraud and identity theft
• makes family travel easier

See? If I pass, I .. won’t have to carry my passport when I drive to Seattle! YEAH! Take that, limited pocket space!

I love the “less expensive” line. Sure, it’s less expensive than a passport – except it’s only good for land or water travel. If I have to fly anywhere, I’ll need a passport. Mine expires next year, so regardless of my fancy mircochip status, I’ll still have to hand over the $87 for a new one. I haven’t flown anywhere in over 2 years, but what if I need to? You can’t not have a passport. It makes things very, very difficult when you want to leave the country and be inspected by 13 different security checkpoints.

Oh well. The government doesn’t seem to be doing anything with my DNA; what possible harm could there be in allowing them to track my every move by satellite?

I don’t bruise easily, but when I do, it hurts like an angry unicorn.

On Friday I got my arm caught in the pop machine at work. We have an old school vending machine, the kind with the door at the bottom you push in to collect your items. My hands were full, so I used my forearm to push the door in and fish out my precious Diet Coke. When the door swung shut, it pinched my arm just below the elbow – the hinge trapped my skin and I squealed and hopped around for a couple seconds before I figured out that pushing the door open again would free my arm. It hurt a surprising amount and while I didn’t tear the skin, it left a bruise and a Twitter update.

All was good until we came home on the ferry Sunday afternoon. As I exited the bathroom, my grip slipped off the heavy door and it came crashing back into me. The rounded handle hit me exactly in my bruise with so much force that it actually stunned me for several seconds, and my entire arm went numb. I staggered into the hallway like some sort of drunken monkey, and showed Ed my arm – the small bruise from the pop machine was now a huge bruise from the door, and it hurt like several nasty things. I kept rolling onto my arm in my sleep, and it would wake me up. My ride to work this morning was endlessly bumpy, and my bruise jiggled with every crater I drove through. I AM BRUISED! EVERYONE PITY ME!

Yeah, I’m kind of pathetic when I get hurt.

Other than my bruise, I survived the weekend. Operation: Surprise Mom was a success, as she had no idea why we were there. We didn’t really have much of an agenda – I offered to take her out for dinner for her birthday, but she didn’t want to go out so we just hung out in the dank basement and ate waffles. The original plan was to bring her our 27” television to replace her 19” set built sometime in the 1800s, but Chris had a better idea – he would give us the 27” TV he had in his living room collecting dust, and I could keep our bedroom TV for late night soft core goodness. Hooray! He dropped it off on Saturday morning, then Ed and I followed him back to his house on scooters so we could collect his motorcycle and go for a ride. The weather was really overcast on Saturday, so the riding wasn’t as glorious as it could have been but we still had fun and also a monkey-themed lunch with 30 shrimp.

We set mom’s new TV up on Saturday night after the hockey game, then marveled at channels higher than 13 than she was now able to view. We crashed early and slept poorly thanks to the horrible plywood, then spent a leisurely morning gathering our things before heading out at noon. Sunday’s weather was really nice, so we took our time riding back to the ferry and caught the 2pm sailing for home. Josh met us at the terminal on his shiny new motorcycle, and we rode back to the North Shore (with Oscar hitting 10000km along the way).

Overall, it was an exhausting but good weekend. I’m looking forward to not going anywhere for a while, though – as far as I know, I’m homebound until July when I travel to Victoria for my mom’s cataract surgery then Seattle the next weekend for Ali’s play. By then I’ll be full of angst and eager to travel, but for right now I want to sit around in my underwear, covered in cats.

I decided something important this weekend.  I am completely sick of going to mom’s basement and being utterly without internet – so I’m installing it at her house. So what if I’m only there 4 times a year or so? It’ll be so much less agonizing to visit if I have access to the outside world. In July I’ll be there for at least 4 days babysitting her. Internet access makes me much less homicidal.

Internet good.

Oh, and she used the bucket once that I saw.