good at crime

So exciting! My swab kit came in the mail yesterday, all ready for me to harvest my DNAs and send off to a secret government lab somewhere where it’ll be extracted and used to clone me into some SUPER SOLDIERS!

The kit came with some instructions for swabbing, but I’ve watched so much CSI I didn’t need them. I am a total pro at crime.

The act of collecting the DNA was as exciting as I thought it would be. Cotton – plastic – my open, gaping mouth – how could this possibly go wrong?

(not shown: me stabbing myself in the eye with a swab)

I am sure they will never know that this is my first time being swabbed. I am very good at it!

I started to have some second thoughts, though – what if I want to one day commit some crimes? My DNA will be in the database, and it’ll take them only 60 minutes (46 if you don’t count commercials) to track me down. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea ..

Oh well, it’s too late to turn back now. I might as well make the most of it!

Four swabs, many bacteria, and one pre-paid envelope later, my DNA is off to the government!

Well, that was fun. I wonder if I’ll match any sickly people who want my fluids? If so, I’m bringing Miranda and Reilly along to take pictures. Ain’t no one gonna suck out my bone marrows without witnesses, yo.

4 thoughts on “good at crime

  1. What happens if you donate your bone marrow and then it starts to take over the donor like in some horror movie? And they wake up one morning and have somehow contracted your instinctive love of videogames and glitter? What if it’s a really serious businessman and he shows up to work in a really colourful outfit with flowers in his hair and hands out copies of Katamari Damacy to everybody in his office and starts organizing a LAN party in the boardroom and blasting punk rock music over the PA …

    … actually, it might really improve his life. So. Nevermind. Carry on.

  2. Pingback: one step closer to skynet « delicious juice dot com

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