Every time someone says something good on Twitter about Calgary, I am fairly quick to jump in with a disparaging fact or statement about the city and/or gloating about ways in which Vancouver is better. Even *I* think it’s getting to be a little obnoxious, and I feel I should explain why I hate Calgary so much:

Truth is, I really don’t. The city itself is fine, if not my cup of tea – I can’t imagine living anywhere that doesn’t have the ocean at my front door and mountains in my backyard (which coincidentally makes the list places I could stand living in very small indeed). I lived in Calgary for seven years (and two weeks, and three days, and 4 hours), and I would be hard-pressed to say that I hated every minute of it – there were some things I definitely liked about the city.

When I bitch about Calgary and all the things I hate about it, I’m really thinking about how bad things were for me in that period of my life. I was cataclysmically depressed for most of the time I spent in Alberta, and even thinking about going back gives me an actual panic attack; it was so bad. I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day in those seven years ever again – suicidally depressed, manic, without friends, unemployed, miserable, fighting with Ed a lot – it was bad. Really, really bad. When I think about Calgary, I think about all the times I very nearly threw myself under a bus just to end all the bad things. I know that’s dumb, but I can’t help it – even the words “moving to Calgary” make me almost want to vomit with terror, and I try to deflect that by repeatedly bringing up things like the snow and cold and lack of spring.

My resentment towards Edmonton, however, is entirely different.

So, sorry Calgary. I know I’m doing you a disservice every time I bitch about you on Twitter. I think it’s best for the both of us if I just stay here in Vancouver where I belong; don’t you agree?

Ali is a month or two away from popping out her second child, and has been bemoaning the task of writing her birth plan. I don’t know what that is, but I assume it’s like having to write up your goals or self-evaluation package at work. Everyone hates those things – for some reason putting “fewer murderous black-out rages at the office” is not a valid goal to have – but I’m always up for a challenge, so I thought I would help Ali out. After all, I’m a technical writer and I saw someone giving birth once on the internet so this should be easy.

With that in mind, I present to you the Delicious Juice Dot Birth Plan:

click to embiggen and see entire flow chart

Good luck with the baby, Ali! Let me know if my birth plan worked for you!

Tonight I will be at the Museum of Vancouver, selling Smuttons with Miranda and Andrea and other crafty people. Won’t you join us? It will be a Good Time!