Science is not always successful – try though you might, sometimes Science will fail in a spectacular way. And other times, Science will fail in a depressing, awkward kind of way, and these failures are the WORST OF ALL.

To celebrate astronomy (the partial lunar eclipse) and other people making billions of dollars (Eclipse comes out on Wednesday), a free screening of Twilight’s New Moon was held at UBC on Saturday. The Awkward Twilight Festival (you can’t call it a “Twestival” because that name is used for the annual Twitter Festival and we are far too cool for Twilight) was planned for cities all over North America, but the only two places in Canada receiving this spectacular spectacle were Toronto and Vancouver – both terrible choices, for very different reasons: Toronto was on fire, and Vancouver just doesn’t care.

Stephanie emailed me the gory details early in the week, and it looked as though the Awkward Twilight Festival was going to be a riot of hilarity (caps are not mine okay):

• COME DRESSED AS YOUR FAVOURITE TWILIGHT CHARACTER FOR THE LOOKALIKE CONTEST!
• TWILIGHT TRIVIA!
• WIN EXCLUSIVE THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE PRIZES!
• GET A FAKE TWILIGHT TATTOO BY MAKEUP ARTISTS!
• GET TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE AT THE SPARKLE STATION!
• 9PM THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON FREE SCREENING

I mean, come on. I am only human; how do you expect me to pass up something as awesome as a SPARKLE STATION? You cannot. It is written!

I quickly emailed my most irony-loving friends and plans were made for us to crash the Awkward Twilight Festival on Saturday. It was a chance to look at a subset of society in a scientific setting – the UBC campus – and also it was a gorgeous day, meaning at the very least I would get an excellent scooter ride out of it. We had high hopes for hilarity and sparkles, and thought we could make a jolly evening of it.

Except .. none of us feel good about kicking people when they’re down. It just seems kind of unnecessary, y’know?

There was a distinct lack of people at the Awkward Twilight Festival, so much so that we all actively felt BAD for the organizers instead of our usual smug ironic hipster cool. It was really, really awkward and uncomfortable to see the very few people milling about, each looking as confused as we were – where WAS everyone? Was this a trap? Maybe the free showing of New Moon was no moon at all but a space station – oh god! Alderaan chunks everywhere!

We arrived at 6, but quickly left to get some diabetes via the WORST BUBBLE TEA IN THE WORLD, hoping that more people would show up so we could get our giggle on. An hour later, and there were a few more people in the field but definitely not a lot – maybe 40 people, tops. It was just .. depressing. Whoever planned the event clearly had no idea how to do anything, because there were no signs on campus telling people how to find the correct location (which was a) wrong on the email invite and b) in the middle of three construction zones, behind a bunch of buildings) – we saw people in costume and/or with children in tow looking lost, and only found the place ourselves by accident. It was very poorly done, and it made the four of us feel really bad. We weren’t the only ones, either – an angry lady came up to us as we sat on the grass on our phones, trying to come up with Plan B. She ranted at us about missing people and Twitter and the newspaper, and seemed to want us to use our phones to Tell The World or something. We made polite noises until she went away, then came up with Plans B and C for the rest of our evening – there would be no Twilight-themed hilarity for us; our Science had fizzled and was sad.

We ended up doing Plan C – reconvening at SPARTA to watch Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Dr. Horrible. It wasn’t awkward and there was no Sparkle Station, but it was a good Saturday night nonetheless. We even had an Edward of our very own! *swoon* *fall over* *fellatio*

Here are some sad photos:

no peoples

this sparkle station makes my eyes rain :(

these security guards also do not know what the fuck

06/25/10, 8:36PM
From: Apple
Subject: We’ll be in touch soon about your iPad

On Friday evening, I convinced Ed it would be a good idea to go outside. I had managed to scrape together *just* enough pennies to get myself an iPad, but I had to go to an actual Apple store and have myself added to The List – these things are in high demand slash not manufactured quickly enough to satisfy the yuppie scum, so it wasn’t like I could just walk into any old store and say yo gimmie. The nice Blue Shirt added me to The List and said it would likely be a week or so before I got The Notice telling me I could join The Club (as soon as I forked over many dollars). I went home empty-handed but resigned that I would have to wait before I was future-cool.

06/26/10, 8:32AM
From: Apple
Subject: Your iPad is waiting the the Apple Store

I mute my phone at night because it goes off with every tweet and email that comes my way. I can’t go without checking my messages every waking second though, so I grabbed my phone in my mostly-asleep daze on my way to the bathroom and checked my email. To my utter astonishment, the iPad I had been told was unavailable less than 12 hours before had forged itself from the very ether of time and space and was ready for owning.

Well, holy shit.

I couldn’t just run out that second to pick it up – for starters, I was nekkid and asleep – but even then I didn’t know if the email was just a cruel mistake or the truth. I bided (bode? bade?) my time, doing mountains of laundry and writing vaguely threatening emails to celebrities that piss me off. In the afternoon though, Shan came by and together we scooted downtown for Science and also to go to the mall. We walked through Holt Renfrew, laughing at the really ugly but for some reason $1400 purses, then made our way to the top floor towards the Apple store.

At least, that was the plan – Shan’s eyes soon glazed over as she spotted a shoe sale, and one hilarious transaction later, she found herself the owner of a pair of sky-high Coach heels tucked safely away in the trademark pink Holt Renfrew “look at me I have lots of money” bag.

To Shan’s credit, she somehow managed to find the one pair of shoes in all of Holt Renfrew that were reasonably priced and very cute. She was in the market for some new work shoes anyway, but that didn’t stop either of us from laughing hysterically at her ridiculous status symbol bag containing her ridiculous haute couture shoes. Then again, I was in no position to say anything – I still had the Apple store to deal with. The crazy bargain she got on her scary shoes had NOTHING on the amount of money I was planning on handing over to Mr. Jobs via one of his elves, and at least her shoes were sexy.

The Apple store did, in fact, have my freshly-minted iPad ready for purchase. I handed over many plastic cards and some magic beans, and walked out (to several glares) with my new toy.

Her name is Alice, for reasons that have nothing to do with Wonderland but much to do with Grace Slick.

So, where’s this bottle full of bub I’ve heard so much about?

.. this may be the only blog post in existence that references Jefferson Airplane and 50 Cent in the same breath.