when she’s ten feet tall

06/25/10, 8:36PM
From: Apple
Subject: We’ll be in touch soon about your iPad

On Friday evening, I convinced Ed it would be a good idea to go outside. I had managed to scrape together *just* enough pennies to get myself an iPad, but I had to go to an actual Apple store and have myself added to The List – these things are in high demand slash not manufactured quickly enough to satisfy the yuppie scum, so it wasn’t like I could just walk into any old store and say yo gimmie. The nice Blue Shirt added me to The List and said it would likely be a week or so before I got The Notice telling me I could join The Club (as soon as I forked over many dollars). I went home empty-handed but resigned that I would have to wait before I was future-cool.

06/26/10, 8:32AM
From: Apple
Subject: Your iPad is waiting the the Apple Store

I mute my phone at night because it goes off with every tweet and email that comes my way. I can’t go without checking my messages every waking second though, so I grabbed my phone in my mostly-asleep daze on my way to the bathroom and checked my email. To my utter astonishment, the iPad I had been told was unavailable less than 12 hours before had forged itself from the very ether of time and space and was ready for owning.

Well, holy shit.

I couldn’t just run out that second to pick it up – for starters, I was nekkid and asleep – but even then I didn’t know if the email was just a cruel mistake or the truth. I bided (bode? bade?) my time, doing mountains of laundry and writing vaguely threatening emails to celebrities that piss me off. In the afternoon though, Shan came by and together we scooted downtown for Science and also to go to the mall. We walked through Holt Renfrew, laughing at the really ugly but for some reason $1400 purses, then made our way to the top floor towards the Apple store.

At least, that was the plan – Shan’s eyes soon glazed over as she spotted a shoe sale, and one hilarious transaction later, she found herself the owner of a pair of sky-high Coach heels tucked safely away in the trademark pink Holt Renfrew “look at me I have lots of money” bag.

To Shan’s credit, she somehow managed to find the one pair of shoes in all of Holt Renfrew that were reasonably priced and very cute. She was in the market for some new work shoes anyway, but that didn’t stop either of us from laughing hysterically at her ridiculous status symbol bag containing her ridiculous haute couture shoes. Then again, I was in no position to say anything – I still had the Apple store to deal with. The crazy bargain she got on her scary shoes had NOTHING on the amount of money I was planning on handing over to Mr. Jobs via one of his elves, and at least her shoes were sexy.

The Apple store did, in fact, have my freshly-minted iPad ready for purchase. I handed over many plastic cards and some magic beans, and walked out (to several glares) with my new toy.

Her name is Alice, for reasons that have nothing to do with Wonderland but much to do with Grace Slick.

So, where’s this bottle full of bub I’ve heard so much about?

.. this may be the only blog post in existence that references Jefferson Airplane and 50 Cent in the same breath.

4 thoughts on “when she’s ten feet tall

  1. I must say, I am impressed and jealous that you have an iPad, as well as with your ability to wait until you’d saved up the cash for it. I need to learn from your example and stop hiking up my credit card bills. Enjoy!

  2. There were so many things that were said and done prior to the fateful (and yes, hilarious) transaction that made that whole thing even funnier:

    “God, wouldn’t it be hilarious if one of us walked out of here today with one of those fuckin’ pink bags?” *haha that would be so hilarious*

    “I almost want to try on shoes just to show off my ridiculous rainbow socks!” *Shan unzips boot to show Kim said ridiculous socks (that are super ratty and holey)* *haha that would be so hilarious*

    *while marveling at all the stupidly overpriced and absolutely ridiculous ‘on sale’ shoes*: Kim “You’re not actually looking for shoes are you?” Shan “Ha! No way, I just think these are all so hilarious! Like these! Oh… hello… what are you…?” *haha that was so hilarious*

    Whatever man, they were $89. $89! Go go reasonably priced fancy shoes! I’m just glad I wasn’t alone in my pretension once you had your Apple bag in hand (mine was just so obvious!).

    Okay, I’ll stop now, it’s barely 7:00 am and I’m delirious.

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