my kidneys bring all the boys to the yard

I have excellent kidneys.

My vagina and all the wonders contained therein are fine – I don’t even need to go for an ultrasound, dashing my hopes at being covered in oils while a technician scans my fat for any sign of mystery. According to Dr. Safari (she’s always dressed as though she just flew in from Africa, ascots and all), I’m in no danger of having a heart attack in the next year or even in the next ten years. Hooray!

 

Of course, the results weren’t all glowing. My cholesterol levels are just outside the normal range, being high by .19 whatevers. Same with my triglycerides – just outside the norm, they’re high and gotta come down a bit. Nothing too alarming really, just some things I can work on by perhaps skipping the Mixed Grill at the Tomahawk and enjoying a lovely salad instead.

 

Also, I have high blood pressure.

 

I don’t know if it’s because Dr. Safari and her Latino sherpa make me nervous or I’m starting to believe my own tall tales of tragic diseases, but the two times my blood has been pressured it’s been high. I’m under orders to check my blood pressure at the pharmacy at least twice this week, so today I’ll be trundling off to the drug store for a) a new toothbrush, b) hair dye, and c) blood pressuring. As with all my ailments both real and imagined, I’ve done some research on the effects of high blood pressure. Here’s what I can look forward to if I don’t simmer down now:

  • Strokes!
  • Heart failure!

  • Chronic renal failure! (except she told me my kidneys were utterly fantastic, so I’m less worried about this one than I am this next one:)

  • Erectile dysfunction!

  • Eye problems!

My use of exclamation points belies the seriousness of my blood pressure; apparently it’s quite high. How did it get so high? Well, here are the risk factors for HBP (not to be mistaken for HPB):

  • Obesity – fatty fat fat pants

  • Smoking – you’ll pry my four-pack a day habit from my cold dead hands!

  • No exercise – walking to the fridge and back 17 times a day is just not cutting it

  • Too much salt – perhaps installing that salt lick in the bedroom wasn’t such a good idea

  • Too much alcohol – WOOOOOOOOOO I’M SO DRUNK WHO WANTS TO SEE MY BOOBS

  • Stress – well, obviously

  • An ethnic background – are you calling me half Malaysian?

  • History of HBP in the family – I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea; we’re not so big on communication

I probably shouldn’t be nearly as amused by all this as I am, but hey. It’s much more fun to laugh at my impending erectile dysfunction than it is to cry about it!

5 thoughts on “my kidneys bring all the boys to the yard

  1. Good! I’m glad it was a warning meeting rather than a book-you-for-more-proding-and-oiling-and-possible-imminent-death meeting.

    If you get physically really stressed going to the doctors it could be a big contributor – the drugstore tests should tell you if there is a big difference. And yup, stress. Earlier this year I was told I had high blood pressure but it was when I was about ready to explode from work and I was like “ya, you think?”… I had it checked recently (work is much much better, not to mention I’m counting down until quit day) and it’s all back to it’s happy normal self.

    As for cholesterol, man, the Tomohawk Mixed Grill is the best! No one should have to give up the Tomohawk Mixed Grill, even though it can feed an entire family with grease. Mmmmm…. Tomohawk.

  2. I went to that Tomahawk site and the graphic the fried mushrooms at the top made me throw up in my mouth a little.

    Just though you would appreciate knowing that…

  3. Yah, I went back to see the Tomahawk page again, hoping that I would get a better reaction from the mushrooms.

    Nope… Threw up a little in my mouth again.

    They sure do glisten, don’t they?

  4. Pingback: betrayal « delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

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