Winter is fast approaching, and the cooler (and significantly wetter) weather has put a halt to my skirt-wearing for the year. Since I’m in pants day in and day out (much to my utter revulsion), I’ve been really lazy about shaving my legs. Why bother? They’re going to be covered in pants! Who cares if I’m gross and hairy? Why go through the hassle of shaving? Fuck your fascist beauty standards, man! Down with conformity!

I reached the limit this past weekend, though. The itchiness was driving me nuts to the point of scratching in my sleep, and my hairy legs were just not all that sexy to behold. Normally I would have what I refer to as a “maintenance bath” and just fix up all those areas of mine that need a little work, but thanks to the still-nasty water and the warnings advising against soaking in said water I decided to skip the bath and cast about for another solution.

Salon waxing was out of the question because I am both cheap and really quiet lazy, as well as not all that hairy. I decided I would try some Nair; the kind that claimed to smell like citrus and came with a handy bladeless razor. I’ve never actually used any kind of depilatory cream before at all because I was frankly never that curious about it, but the time was nigh for hair removal and I was rarin’ to go.

I slathered the goop all over my legs and waited for fun to begin. Sure enough, everything started to smell like burning hair tinged with citrus. I waddled into the bathroom (for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to start this project in the living room, while wearing a toga) and started to use the bladeless razor to scrape disgusting hairy slop off my body.

It worked pretty well, actually. I was terribly fascinated by the amount of hair sloughing off my legs, and kept inspecting each pass for hidden treasure. When it was all over, I was relatively hairless and a lot less itchy. I did, however, manage to make myself bleed using the bladeless razor because I am me and could probably filet myself with safety scissors.

WHY is our telephone guy telling me all about his groin? I don’t think I EVER signed on to hear the words “exploding groin” complete with vivid backstory come out of our telephone guy. I need to wash my brain out with lye and scalding turbid water. EWW!