Nothing is good about anything.
I’m a puppet astronaut in a small space station. I say “puppet” not because I am a figurehead hiding the actions of an ominous committee of evil, but because I am a wooden puppet who longs to be a real boy.
I knew I was to be a puppet astronaut when I first started working here, but was promised by the blue fairy that in 6 months’ time, all us astronaut puppets would be turned into real boys with benefits and vacation time and sick days and all the perks that come with having a real job being a real live boy. The 6 month mark rolled by, and the blue fairy said oh! We’re so busy with all the wonderful things that you will benefit from, please give us some more time to turn you into real boys! The puppet astronauts were satisfied by the efforts being made, and continued to work with their cute little wooden fingers and darling little wooden brains.
Six more months passed, and the puppet astronauts had been in space for a whole year. Surely the time had come to be turned into real boys! Oh, but wait said the blue fairy. The time is just not right – give us six more months and we’ll wave our magic wand and turn you into a real boy. We mean it this time! To prove we really do, please take this increase of 16% of one chicken – see, now you’re only 84% of a chicken away from making what you should be! It’s so close you can taste .. oh, right, not a real boy – no tongue. Sorry.
It hasn’t been three months yet; barely one and a half. My colourful puppet paint is starting to wear off, and my space goggles no longer have their rosy tint. I have some serious doubts about the legitimacy of the “we’ll make you a real boy” claim – just today I was told by the blue fairy that it’s still another six months away. I am tired of hearing “in six months”. I want to be a real boy NOW. I haven’t been a real boy since 2002 – that is a long time to go without any love at all.
There’s more than just the real boy issue, too. I currently work in tech support. I do not want to work in tech support. I was not hired to do tech support, and I have been promised time and time again that I will not be stuck doing tech support. Just give us some more time, cooed the blue fairy. Changes are in the works and you’ll be doing super awesome projects soon. Patience!
I have been patient. I have been upbeat. I have tried to look at the bright side of things; basking in the wooden adoration of our clients when I solve their problems over and over and over again. I keep reaching for that wooden carrot, knowing that my efforts at being a team player are appreciated and valued. Soon I will be a real boy! Soon I will say goodbye to tech support and work on projects of varying degrees of awesome!
That was before yesterday. Yesterday, the blue fairy told me bluntly that there is no light at the end of my tech support tunnel – we are absolutely definitely 100 percentedly not bringing on any other puppet astronauts to take over some of the tech support so you can do other things. Nope, sorry. You will be doing tech support for – wait for it – at least six more months; possibly 8 or 9. We just can’t do it. Sorry, old puppet. It sucks to be you.
So, where are we now? I’m a puppet astronaut stuck working in a role I hate. There is no end in sight, and we do not know when the blue fairy will turn us into real boys. That’s pretty bad, but it’s not SO bad right?
You should know me well enough by now to know that there’s ALWAYS more:
Our space station is moving. I started working on the project, because I’ve done far larger, far more corporate space station moves before. I’m well-equipped and organized, and most importantly, I am in the space station day in and day out and I know where everything is, where everything should go, what everyone’s phone numbers are, and what they’re allergic to. I can easily move our space station. Sure, the blue fairy left the fine details like where we were moving to until literally 28 days before we have to move, but I can handle it. I thrive on insane situations, remember? I can do this, splinters and all.
I did express a bit of wooden frustration yesterday, because tech support is extremely busy and I am trying to plan a space station move that leaves all our puppet astronauts without an office for a week or more due to the extremely poor planning. Still, the move is something I am perversely looking forward to tackling because of all the little details involved and also because it is not tech support.
The blue fairy picked up on my stress level, and decided to help me by taking the move project away so I can concentrate on tech support. Never mind that I want to do the move. Never mind that I hate tech support. Never mind that the blue fairy basically sentenced me to an open term in a role they promised wouldn’t be mine. Never mind everything; here’s a punishment for all your hard work. Why are you so unhappy? Just look at all the things we’ve promised for six months down the road!
I am more sad than anything else, because I desperately wanted this space station to work out and be a home for me.
delicious juice dot com 
That really sucks.
I suppose it’s time to polish off the ol’ resume and start hunting for a new space station.
I’m not sure what your current workplace is like, but if your boss is at all not-an-idiot, if you have a discussion about “I don’t like this and I’m planning on leaving,” s/he will probably be jolted enough to do something about it. Replacing astronauts, no matter what their role, is expensive. They may be more willing to listen to you if you are serious.
Other than that – good luck in the job hunt. I’ve been in that situation before, where big carrots were dangled, and nothing ever materialized. I quit and wasn’t even asked for an exit interview – sometimes they really *don’t* give a damn. In which case, you can’t get out of there fast enough.
Does the space station you work at pay you much in the way of chickens? If the chickens are good, stick around and lay some eggs, if the chickens are few and far between, let’s kill these bitches and make some omelettes. Or, something like that.
I start a new job next week, after spending one year chasing a carrot that was, apparently, not meant to be mine. Somebody else offered me a bigger, juicier carrot with no stick attached, and by this time next week I’ll be enjoying it. Now my old boss is left holding nothing but his, uh, stick. Thank you. Do I make myself clear?
Oh man, that sucks.
I agree with Jen – I would dust off the resume and get started on that, and I would also let them know you are serious about looking for higher ground. It might do nothing, but maybe they will be smart astronauts and realize what they are doing.
I *really* understand all too well what it is like to be stuck doing tech support, and I know that I could no longer handle it so really feel for you on that one.
Let me know if you want another set of eyes to look over your resume, and next week sometime we need to get together for lunch! I am portable like that now LOL. Now with free delivery!
All this talk of wood and carrots and sticks to hold, and wanting to be a boy… there would appear to be a very strange phallic quest going on… but don’t you know that women are astronauts now too? Save your quest for wood for play time, and find bigger chickens elsewhere.
cold ( -9C ) Ken in Calgary
I’d get out now. The Vancouver tech market has rebounded a lot (trust me I know, I am trying to hire for.. tech support!). You shouldn’t have a problem getting another job, just make sure you look while you still have one.
Send me an email if you want me to check over your resume. I get a zillion of them and can probably give you some tips from this side of the fence.
I make two chickens – the same as when I was working at my previous space station. So the money, while enough to keep me afloat in ale and whores, isn’t enough to keep me in *imported* ale and *non-transvestite* whores .. y’know?
Also, about tech support: I wouldn’t mind working tech support if I were a real boy. I’m (sadly) very, very good at tech support – especially for our product. It’s just the combination of a) being continually promised opportunities, b) being understaffed, and c) not having any kind of “real boy” status that makes my current situation too much to take. I’m probably going to be looking in the tech support sector, but not settling for anything less than a real, permanent, non-contract job. It’s not really the lack of benefits I mind so much, it’s the no vacation time or sick days .. the last vacation I had was Christmas of 2001, and since that time when I’m sick I’ve had to juggle groceries and bill-paying all because I don’t get paid.
This may sound, you know, evil, but what are the chances of them hiring you as a real staff-member if there was some sort of anonymous complaint put in about them to CCRA about the fact that they are illegally classifying their employees as contractors to get out of paying the employer’s portion of EI and CPP?
Because that’s, like, wrong and stuff!
Re: WCG’s comment: I totally did that with an ex-employer (the key was, AFTER I’d left for another job). That employer, who called me a contractor although I clearly was NOT, had to pay all my EI and CPP deductions for me… I would have had to pay if I was still there, apparently. I know, doesn’t make sense, but hahaha on them!
hi veryo ne ther on star tv….
but bye