I did a lot of soul searching last night, in between crying jags and getting even more bad news over email. I thought a lot, exchanged ideas with Ed, ate some random things I found in the fridge, tasted Josh’s oil, and slept off the worst headache I’ve had in a long time brought on by stress, crying, and the universe trying to split my atoms with a karmic hammer. The conclusions I came to can all be boiled to one brief zen-like statement:
I am a bad person to have in a canoe.
That’s it. That is the end-all statement to explain why everything seems to go to hell for me very quickly after I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security. If it was just once, okay – bad luck for me. Twice? Well, times they are a-changin’ and things will be better soon. Three times? Four? The fifth time, staring me in the face and telling me I’m a stinky poopy head who is a big meanie to those far more delicate than I? Well, it’s hard not to take it personally and keep from lying awake at night wondering just what it is about me that makes people take such delight in ousting me in vicious, baffling ways.
I think I know why, though, and it all comes down to my being a very bad person to take white water rafting, or on the maiden voyage of an unsinkable ship, or on a scenic cruise around the harbour, or on a good old fashioned split pea soup portage:
I rock the boat.
I cannot keep myself from rocking the boat. I start rocking, people get upset, and I am forced out usually by being treated horribly. In my current situation, we traced the trouble back to mid-February – exactly when I started asking for our contracts to be renewed, pushing for Real Boy status, and asking when all the things that had been promised to us would be coming to fruition. Hmm. I rocked the boat at my last space station, too – asking for the raise I had been assured of, taking Space Boss Charlie’s word that I was being promoted, trying to ensure processes were logical and changing those that weren’t. I’m a boat rocker. I fight for fairness. I have an absurd sense of entitlement, usually stemming from the way I remember things being said or promised and expecting people to come through. I fight for others, too – I hate seeing fellow astronauts being treated badly so I’ll often rock the boat on their behalf. I’m a boat rocker. I boat rock out.
So, I’ve figured out the WHY. I don’t know what to do about it, though. Perhaps I will invest in a personal floatation device.
delicious juice dot com 
Perhaps, instead of rocking the boat so much, you could try to just live life in peace, browsing Facebook all day like the rest of us. OMFG that place is such a black hole. So much time goes into it, and the gravity of it all prevents it from coming back out …. now, where did my kids go…
I am so glad you posted this. I, too, am a boat rocker and haven’t been able to figure out the “why” of my situation … until reading this post. Thanks. So. Much. Anyway, I think life jackets are on sale at Canadian Tire this week… maybe we should go shopping together… ;-)
Darlin’, not only are you welcome in my canoe, I’ll even loan you a lifejacket. Just in case. ;)
For what it’s worth, darlin’, you’re welcome in my dinghy any time. And I would so hire you, and love you and pet you and call you George, unless of course you’d rather go by Fhqwhgads.
Don’t let them make you think that you need to change. I’ve been driven out of a number of jobs for the same reason, and I remember asking WHY, WHY ME? and WHY DO I ALWAYS DO THIS? People who do what you do have a tough and often misunderstood role. You just want everyone to get what they deserve (including yourself) and that isn’t wrong.
Maybe it’s that you’re not meant to be a passenger on the boat. Maybe you’re supposed to be the captain!
Serious!
Ah, well, that’s just a case of Fuckwad Boss, then.
I’m a boat rocker too, though I never quite thought of it in those terms.
To me “boat rocker” has only negative connotations… No good could come from rocking the boat, right? So how about “shit disturber”? It sounds smellier, but it acknowledges that there was shit there to begin with.
It may be hard to steady the current boat (as it sounds like it’s no. 1 boss who’s ticked off (originated the shit in the first place)), but my advice for the future is to get the promises tied to results. I think it’s easier for someone to “regretfully postpone” something they’ve promised if they can possibly convince themselves that the promised reward was a one-sided benevolent act on their part. But if it’s tied to results, then it’s a deal: In exchange for A,B&C from you by Q1 2007, you will receive X from me.
And for your next job: Let them know up front that they’re not getting an office mouse but a company tigress, and that you reserve the right to improve things throughout the company.
Pip pip cheerio. :-)
“Maybe it’s that you’re not meant to be a passenger on the boat. Maybe you’re supposed to be the captain!
Serious!”
Yeah, that might be a good solution. It would take work and planning, but you could do it, and do it well.