I’m a triple threat of pathetic today, so don’t mind me. I’m hormonal and bloated and all the other adjectives that come with being a woo-man; I’m trying to wean myself off the crazy pills and am suffering withdrawal and doubt; I have a headache so bad that I am seriously thinking about going to sleep in the bathtub because at least it’s nice and dark in there and I wouldn’t be able to hear the frickin’ bagpipes that are coming in through the bedroom window. Seriously, bagpipes. Did I wake up in Scotland? If so, that’s fucking awesome. I’m gonna bag me a castle!

However, I don’t think I woke up in Scotland and so I am just sad and blue with a terrible headache and some achy plumbing. It is not much fun. And yet .. I feel guilty for feeling so lousy today. I have friends having some bad times, and an online acquaintance just lost his wife to cancer. In the grand scheme of things, my problems are pretty pathetic and I feel guilty for feeling so down over such insignificant things. I suck.

And yet, it’s all I really have to talk about, so I will keep on keepin’ on.

I don’t need to share the gory details regarding my upcoming menstrual dance, but – sorry, I must interject my own commentary to note that Hobble just dove off the bed and tackled Cheddar, who did not appreciate it because the younger cat outweighs her by close to 14 pounds but dang it was funny – suffice it to say that my face is breaking out, my pants are tight, and I’m pretty sure I am the grossest thing to walk the planet and nobody loves me. Oh, hormones. You are nonsensical and not awesome at all.

For some time now I’ve been trying to wean myself off the crazy pills. I’ve been taking them for a very long time, and I’d like to be a little less dependent on those burgundy ovals of sanity. My originally prescribed dose was wee, but it’s going on 3.5 years now and it’s time to stop the pharmaceutical train and try being sane on my own two deformed feet for a while. I’m going about it very slowly – I cut my dose down from 150mg to 75mg, and soon I will be cutting even further to 37.5mg then to nothing. I could just go cold turkey, but it is a) not recommended, and b) painful – I skipped a dose last night, and if the resulting headaches are anything like I feel this morning, I think I would rather be an addicted mess drooling in the corner. My brains hurt. I do not like it one bit.

And lastly, I am just sad overall. I miss having and being a best friend. While I do have friends that I love and am grateful for, they are all spoken for and sometimes I feel like an intruder. I am not vital or significant to anyone; I just am. It’s fun to have me around (I hope), but if I’m not there, life goes on. I miss being important to someone. I miss having someone I can tell anything. I miss secrets and in-jokes. Also, I miss the mental state I was in a few minutes ago before I accidentally saw Ed telling his ex girlfriend that he is “relatively happy” with his wife.

Hmm.