This question may be about 30 years late in the asking, but how do you cope with not getting your way?
I want a pug, very badly. I’m presently at the stage where pictures of pug puppies make me sniffly – okay, let’s be honest, they make me actually cry – because I want a pug so very much. I’ve done all the research, I know what to expect, I can afford a pug, I happen to have oodles of free time to care for one. So why don’t I have a pug?
Well, contrary to this post made earlier this year, Ed is no longer open to us getting a pug. At one point in time he was actually (so he told me) okay with it. We were going to wait until our debt was taken care of, then look into getting a pug. Yay! Pug for Kimli! What a happy day that would be!
The year rolled on, our debts went away, and .. Ed doesn’t want to get a dog. Ever. Nope, not going to happen, never ever no dog for you. The end. No dog. Tough luck for you, but Ed does not want a dog so a dog we do not have.
I imagine this is somewhat similar to the “yes babies/no babies” discussion, except I can’t accidentally show up pregnant with a pug one day and suggest that some sort of higher deity willed it to happen.
I want a dog. I am increasingly resentful and bitter towards Ed for going back on his word that he’d be okay with getting a dog and for stringing me along until it was time then oops changing his mind. I am angry that his opinion on this matter seems to be the final decision, knowing that the reverse could be said about my decision to get a dog should I suddenly show up with one. I am sad and mad and not glad and did I mention the resentful and bitter because those two are really the important ones here. I am annoyed that I am married, because this would not be an issue if I was single. That may be a little irrational – talk to me again when I’m not so upset – but it’s also probably not healthy to daydream of packing up and running away and getting a dog and a Del Sol and a little townhouse in Kits and anything else that I feel my current marital status is keeping me from.
I know I could just show up one day with a pug, but that doesn’t seem like a very fair solution either. Maybe I could distract him and then sneak a pug into the house. Does someone have a car or a hockey I could borrow?
Seriously, though: how do you cope with not getting your way?
delicious juice dot com 
Hrm.
I’m married to a cat guy who doesn’t like dogs generally (too much slobber and activity for him) but is slowly being brought around to the idea. We’ve agreed that it’s definitely going to happen someday, but he reserves the right to veto some breeds of dog when we walk past them and I go “Oooh what about that one?” Fortunately neither of us is ready to commit to walking an animal twice a day yet, so this is all a theoretical conversation for the future, when we own a house, etc etc.
I don’t know what I would do if he flat out refused. I think I’d get angry, first, and then try to work out a compromise in which I offered to take care of the dog 24/7, do my best to make sure it didn’t mess up the house, and not bug him at all if he chose to completely ignore it (where my instinct would be to hold the puppy up to his face and say “Come oooooooooon…. it’s so CUTE!).
I feel like that ought to be an acceptable plan.
How do the three cats feel about this Pug Plan? It might simply be that the critical mass of organisms Ed is comfortable living with is already fairly high in the two-bedroom apartment at this particular moment in time…
Yeah, I think the logistics of four animals in your not-entirely-mammoth apartment would be dicey at best. Even if that isn’t Ed’s logic behind not wanting one.
As for dealing with not getting ones way? Sadly, from my experience, being grown up usually means you don’t get your way. Its usually more about that dreaded compromise word more than anything, which can suck some gross amounts of ass, but what can you do? :)
Besides, its probably better if a person doesn’t get their way sometimes because if it happened all the time, then they just plain expect it and well, there leads to badness. :)
Well if he did say that in the future you could, I think it is a bit rash to say no now. :P
The 4 animals in a 2 bedroom apartment is a non issue. We have 4 cats, 2 border collies, 3 lizards, 2 hedgehogs, 2 sugar gliders, 2 fish, and 2 kids in a 3 bedroom house and it works out. Everyone settles in after a week of new animal time and really they each serve a niche. Dogs are different than cats in many ways and some good some bad. I can see a lot of people just can’t stand dogs.
I think the best solution is asking why not. And seeing if any of the REASONABLE reasons are something that can be worked on to be able to suit both of your worries. Also another method would be to foster for a rescue group. It is a nice temporary trial that also helps a great cause of giving a home until the pup can find a permanent one. Good luck!
Usually, the no-dogs/children/cats/pigs/rats position prevails because it’s the default position. It takes cash and/or a failure of birth control to change it.
I may be going out on a limb here, but it sounds like Ed never wanted a dog, but said “maybe later, once [fill in stalling tactic here]” to put off a fight.
So… an exercise: what if Ed decided that he wanted a dog other than a pug? Say he really wanted a German Shepherd or a poodle. Would you be comfortable saying no and expecting him to comply? Or would that be OK?
Even if the consensus is to get a dog that is 100% yours, which you take care of, it’s probably best to wait until after your feet surgery. Otherwise Ed will end up doing most of the dog-walking and dog-care, which isn’t really fair.
(And as for how the cats would take it, it really depends on the temperment of the cat. Mine would be miserable if we got a dog, because he’s really posessive. I know that Sasha’s pretty posessive too).
Cost: We can afford a dog. Cost is a bullshit excuse for many reasons, and I’ve called him on it.
Space: With 1000sqft, we have as big an area as we will ever have in Vancouver. Should we ever buy a condo or townhome, there’s no way in hell we’d be able to afford as much space as we have now. Also, millions of other people have animals in smaller places with great success.
Type of dog: Ed doesn’t want any kind of dog, let alone a pug. This is new, as he was open to it before the time to take action finally arrived.
Feet: Are fine; surgery is not going to happen.
Dog Care: Would not fall on Ed; unfair to assume that it would.
Cats: We’ve been introducing them to the dog downstairs with success, except for that one time the puppy tore into our apartment unexpectedly and scared the hell out of them.
Time: There is nothing so grand in our life right now that we could not spare time to care for a dog. What’s going to suffer, the couch? The Xbox? The remote control for the TV? Yeah. We have time.
My Way: I don’t automatically expect to get my way, which is why we’ve had many discussions about it. I DO have a huge problem with being told “yes yes yes yes .. NO”, and I absolutely hate being controlled or made to behave. I know I’m selfish, but frankly, so is he. I also don’t like having a list of things I’ve filed under WANT over the years flung back in my face as a detrimental thing – us moving in together, our move to Vancouver, our move out of East Vancouver, getting a kitten – when every single one of those events was a life-changing experience for the better. I find it kind of disgusting to be told that WANTing something (WANT is just shy of need; different from “I want a cookie”) and working to make it happen is a bad, horrible thing and I am a terrible person for it.
After many hours of fighting, it would appear that the reasoning behind “I don’t want a dog” is exactly the same as “I will not get my passport”.
You can’t really force someone to want a dog, just the same as someone can’t be forced to not want a dog. C’est la vie.
By the way, dogs are very demanding, and — although you say right now that dog care would not fall on Ed at any point — I think it is very unrealistic to say it would never fall on him when you’re as far away or further than, lets say, the washroom. Dogs strike me as a huge commitment second to only children (which is why I do not want a dog) and it is a decision that impacts the living space of all.
Your best bet is to probably try this simple two step approach my wife did, which is this:
1) Offhandedly make a remark about someone you know who needs to find a home for a dog, as they’re being forced to move to a location that doesn’t allow pets. Try to elicit a grunt or a non-committal “we’ll talk about it later” response from your significant other.
2) Get dog and surprise your significant other with it when they get home.
3) Profit!!! (or Dog!!!)
As a dog owner, the only thing I disagree with you on is the care thing. As someone in the household (and therefore the “pack”), there will be things that fall to Ed in terms of dog maintenance. Heck, there will be things that fall to the cats as well – although they will naturally do what it is they do to assert their place in pack hierarchy – it’s the humans that generally have troubles.
While I’m sure you’ll take care of the bulk of training and maintenance (walking, feeding, pooper-scooping) it will be up to Ed to act in a manner consistent with yours to ensure the dog gets consistent messages in terms of training. Also, what happens the dog when you go away to a conference or what-have-you? Do you stress the dog by boarding it because Ed doesn’t want to do doggie duty by himself?
With full disclosure that I am not a cat person anyway, cats are very low-maintenance pets that don’t require a lot of behavior modification on the part of the owner. Remember to feed and scoop, and cuddle when necessary. They are lovely companions, but when ekpt safe by their owners, are generally self sufficient.
Dogs are a LOT more like children, with their need to be entertained, exercised and led by their pack leader. If Ed doesn’t want kids, I can see his logic for not wanting a dog either. You wouldn’t say “I’ll bring home a street urchin and Ed will have to do NOTHING for it, I’ll take care of everything” – same goes for dogs.
There’s a show airing on the slice network, “At the End of my Leash” about what happens to people who bring a dog into their home when it’s clearly not good for them or the dog. It may give you some ideas for talking points with Ed in terms of whether or not a pug is a good idea.
I think you might not fully realize the commitment of a dog. Big or small, hyper or sleepy, a dog requires a decent amount of your time walking it, picking up its poo logs, calming it down and getting it to be quiet and not bother the neighbors, etc., every day for 15~ years. There is no way to read or hear that which conveys it fully.
I’ve known many a caring and responsible person to be very excited to get a dog and love a dog to pieces but grow to regret the amount of work involved. Family dogs we’ve had, roommate dogs, friend’s dogs, etc.. I haven’t met a dog owner that doesn’t grumble or argue once in a while about walking the hyper pea-brained dog in the rain or picking up poo piles or getting the dog to stop yapping at all hours.
I’m not anti-dog or anything, I love dogs, I just personally think cats are a much more ideal companion.. In the city anyways for a fulltime job working type person. I just don’t think I’d have the energy and motivation when I even procrastinate about the tiny bit of work that a cat takes (scooping crap once in a while). I like friends dogs and neighbor dogs that I get the benefit of playing with and taking for walks without all the work.
On that note if you do get a pug I will happily take it for many walks and park/beach frisbee adventures :D
I think the ultimate solution, if Ed agrees, is to find a program (surely there is one) where you get a dog on a trial basis. Perhaps a pug on an adopt-trial-to-own program where you have a month or something to see how the dog likes you, how you like the dog, how you like work taking care of it, how the cats like the dog, etc. No commitment – you or ed or the dog or the cats can return pug to sender. That would answer so many questions that only having 24×7 dog can.
my 2,000 cents
I wanted a dog for years. I used to beg and plead with Paul, could we move somewhere where we could have one? It wasn’t that he didn’t want one, it was just that the time never seemed right, and we were always too busy. It always seemed like it was this goal in the future that I’d never get to have. Then the dogs came up from Hurricane Katrina, to my work, and there was the one I fell in love with. I got Paul to spend some time with her, and eventually we decided (after me pleading through our anniversary dinner for two hours!) to do what we had to do to adopt her, which involved buying a house (making Maggie the most expensive “free” dog ever).
My point is, sometimes you have to change from “I want a dog” to “this dog is right for us”.
If cost is an issue for Ed, talk to him about pet insurance. Both of my dogs are insured, even though I get a substantial discount on their care through work. I’m worried about the big things – and I think it’s worth $35-50 bucks a month to never have to weight the life of my pet vs. money.
Yeah, dogs take up a lot of time and we’re definitely not as free to come and go as we used to be, but we’re also comparing two active dogs (Labrador and hound X) to a Pug…who are not generally known as the most active dogs. There are always exceptions, but your Pug is never going to be as nutso as a Labrador.
I have lots of resources available about lots of stuff to do with dogs,, new puppies, introducing animals, training, etc. so if there’s any information that you or Ed want, let me know. If Ed has questions about stuff we see with Pugs in our clinic, I’d be happy to answer them truthfully.
The problem is the two hours of pleading through the anniversary dinner. Guys can never win in these circumstances, because the right answer is always yes, and until they say yes the issue will keep getting brought up, again and again – even during an anniversary dinner! Where the discussion should be entirely carnal! :) – until they finally say “yes” so that they can have some peace. And some sex.
Nor is it fair for a guy to stall and stall to put off the fight, either. But saying “I don’t want a dog” or “I hate traveling” isn’t good enough, because the answer is always “just try it.” (Damian hates traveling). They don’t want to try it. They already know they don’t like it. They want to be left alone!
Apparently this is very much a guy thing. It’s either stand up, say no, and be constantly nagged until they say yes. Or give in, even though you don’t want to, for the sake of peace. Which happens a lot more than women would like to admit.
I know this because Damian sat me down and explained it to me. I’m much better about it now – compromise sometimes means that something is important enough to your partner that you have to let it go.
(Also, what if Ed really really really wanted a pet spider?)
I have a similar problem. Chris likes dogs, is not allergic to dogs, we can afford a dog, we have the space for a dog (according to me; more on that in a bit), and I work from home so I could take care of a dog. We both grew up with them and know the amount of work involved.
Before we got the house, Chris didn’t want one because he didn’t feel we were living in the most ideal space for one. Lots of people have dogs in apartments, but I figured we’d eventually buy a house so I didn’t push the issue. When we got a house, he didn’t feel either of us were home enough to properly care for one. When I quit my job and started up my business, he didn’t feel we had the money. Now that I’m making a decent living, he doesn’t feel we should have one because our house does not have a large, enclosed yard to let the dog roam at will.
Sensing an infinite pattern, I have given up. I’m sad about it, but I wouldn’t want to live with the ensuing resentment were I to bully him to the point of frazzled, reluctant agreement, either.
I offer to dogsit for friends and family whenever I can and get my dog fix through that. This is how I cope with not getting my way.
My father-in-law was exactly like Ed, “no dogs, no-how, never!!”.
Until his wedding anniversary one year when my mother-in-law said to him, “I want a small dog, it’s been your way for 40 years, is it my turn yet or do I have to wait for you to die?”. And a week later she got a dog.
Maybe you have to wait another 35 years?
Oh, that’s depressing.
Wait, I watch a lot of CSI.
It doesn’t HAVE to be 35 years. :)
The problem is the two hours of pleading through the anniversary dinner.
It wasn’t really like that, I just like being all dramatic and stuff ;) We talked it through, and since Paul had never owned a dog before he had a lot of questions. We also had to talk about buying a house to keep the dog, since our rental house didn’t allow them. He really just wanted to know that things would be okay, and that there was/is a plan for dealing with the dog.
I’m lucky because I happen to work in a veterinary clinic, so if I don’t know the answer, I have two veterinarians at my disposal.
It turned into a “state of the relationship” talk, and basically we are where we are today (dog owning, house owning, engaged) because of it.
I honestly don’t think I pressured Paul, I just let him know how important Maggie was to me (I helped during her caesarian section, and sat with her while she recovered, it’s pretty easy to see why I got attached!)
And I knew Paul wanted a dog at some point, so I didn’t have a lot of convincing to do.