Bah.. who was I kidding. Not a lot is very much fun, anymore. I have no friends, no life, no *anything* .. I’m the incredible invisible girl. I wish I knew how to fix this mess I’m in.. I’m stuck in a rut that’s 21 years long, and I don’t know how to get out. I’m going crazy. Just how much time can one spend entertaining themself, anyway? I’m empty, I’m hollow, I’m just a shell.. life sucks, here in invisible hell. Hah!

I wish I was happy. I wish I could feel more than hate and hurt. I wish I wasn’t so damned *pathetic*. Hello, world? I’m still here.. for god’s sake, please notice me. Please..

I have absolutely no idea what I was so upset about, but it was evidently pretty epic to my 21-year-old self. The worst part? This is the least embarrassing journal entry I could find that I wouldn’t want to medicate myself for sharing. Ouch.

Other things I have learned about myself from 12+ years ago:

• While I often claim my current writing style of “stream of consciousness bullshit”, it’s nothing compared to what it used to be. I tend to write in a conversationalist style, but evidently I used to do this back then, too – except I ALSO used to write the little pauses in my “speech”. Almost every sentence I wrote had “hmm” “err” “huh” or my personal favourite, “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” in it. Luckily, I outgrew that. It is incredibly annoying to read, and I want to reach back and punch myself (and disable the exclamation point)
• I had a terrible, terrible habit of starting a new text file every single time I wanted to write – I don’t have one journal; I have a hundred or so of them with no easy way to sort them. This is also annoying.
• This post is #600 since I switched over to WordPress at the end of October 2006. That is many posts.
• I am tired of being sick.

As you were, then. If I can find a PC with a working floppy drive, I might be able to find the journals I wrote at home on my IBM PS/2 – usually written while my mother was screaming at me for one thing or another. I am dying to read those. I bet they’d be an abusive riot!