I suffer from depression, anxiety, and a great deal of self-doubt. I’ve mentioned this before, albeit offhandedly – I make light of the situation by speaking of my crazy pills and giving cute nicknames to my afflictions. It doesn’t really change things for me, but it’s easy to forget that I am, by textbook definition, mentally ill.
My own special brand of crazy manifests itself in a number of different ways. The self-doubt, while pretty much a constant little voice in my head, becomes louder and more insistent. This leads to paranoia, which then breeds cattiness. This rapidly becomes bitterness and a blanketing sense of unhappiness. I try very hard to work past it and can be quite successful, but it’s not always evident. No one is around me 24/7; all people see are the fleeting glimpses of the crazy and form opinions about me that, while not wholly incorrect, are skewed and not entirely accurate.
I wish it was easier to explain my brain sometimes. It isn’t quite right in here, and sometimes I don’t see that my crazy has gotten stronger until something bad happens. I need some sort of Outlook plug in that will know when things are getting worse for me and pop up a little paperclip telling me “It looks like you’ve gone off the deep end! You should get help!” As far as I know, this software isn’t even at the alpha stage, so everyone – including myself – forgets about that whole depression thing, and suddenly my irrational behaviour isn’t a chemical imbalance, it’s obviously just me being a bad person. Not even Ed really knows when things are getting bad for me again; he just sees the storm and is bewildered as to why I don’t seek shelter instead of screaming incoherently at the stop sign.
Things are bad again. I realize this now, and suddenly a lot of things are making more sense. My reactions to perceived slights, my paranoia, my frustrations and twisted logic – I know why, now. It’s time to re-evaluate.
Unfortunately, this realization – as it always does – came a heavy cost. I lost two friends tonight. I am not blameless, but I wish it wasn’t easier to simply label someone as “not worth the effort” and “without quality” rather than taking the time to realize that this isn’t the same person you were talking to a month ago and maybe saying “hey, is everything okay? You aren’t yourself. Are your brain pills placebos or something?”
It’s a strange thing, having someone confirm that all the horrible things you tell yourself late at night are actually true. I’m glad I caught the edge of this vicious circle before it spiralled me into a much worse place. It’s just easier to hate on people, I guess. I just need to remind myself that suffering from worsening depression and mental illness does not equate a lack of quality.
delicious juice dot com 
Great post Kim. It’s too bad mental illness didn’t come with a big ole rash to clue us in when things are getting bad…It’d be so much easier to make others believe there is a problem rather than them just thinking we’re being a bitch…
one of the best skills I ever learned was to recognize when I was being crazy. Unfortunately, I have no idea HOW I learned it, which means I can’t tell anyone else how to do it. But yeah, years of crazy pills and doctors and therapists, and the best aid so far? Learning to recognize the crazy.
Mental illness is a bitch. I feel for you.
I dunno, maybe its time for a different approach? I mean, crazy pills can really only go so far, ya know? Maybe its time to throw something else into the mix like therapy or speaking to a professional type who doesn’t just dole out pills. Cuz lets face it, sadly, pills aren’t the be all, end all.
Identifying the crazy is awesome, but without some sorta plan how to attack the crazy – it doesn’t really stay at bay very long.
The the most important lesson I learned when I was suffering from pretty yucky depression years ago…. become healthy for YOU, not for other people.
Really, Kim?
Your friends love you. We love you.
What we don’t love?
Having this conversation publicly online, instead of off line where it belongs.
The fact that we didn’t even talk about any of this yesterday is super awesome, how can you declare that you have lost friends if you didn’t even talk to them? Maybe getting frustrated and ranting about others is something only you’re allowed to do. Funny when the tables are turned.
Publicly declaring that you wished said friends had asked if everything was ok HURTS. You know why? Because it’s all I’ve done. For months. I try to understand why the things that upset you upset you, I try to talk about it and to help you calm down. I try to make you see that life isn’t a horrible place, that the people in it are not bad people. But you don’t even hear me. The last time I tried to have the conversation – and there are logs so by all means go back and read them – I was told later how much it had pissed you off that I had tried to cheer you up. How many times am I supposed to say “Lately you have been sad about many things and I don’t know how to help” before getting frustrated with it all myself?
You are not the only person who understands what it’s like to live with depression and anxiety and panic attacks. Trust me.
You can’t keep raging at and about everyone you care about and expect everything to remain A-OK with everyone around you. You can’t expect for people to not to get frustrated with it themselves, when they HAVE tried to help, and literally don’t have a clue what else to do.
If it’s easier for you to write me off because I am one of the few people who actually does speak up, then so be it. I consider you one of my closest friends. The choice is yours.
I love you. I care about you. And I don’t know how to help.
Repeatedly telling a depressed person to “cheer up, things aren’t that bad!”, while said with good intentions, just doesn’t work.
The raging was more venting, which has since stopped since evidently it was taken the wrong way. I realize it went too far and I know why now, but I was attempting to let off confidential steam to the wrong person. It won’t happen again.
Finding out that someone I love like a brother had been told that I hate him also hurts.
And no, we didn’t talk last night – but you did talk to my husband, and the words “not worth it” and “done” came up numerous times. Based on that, I assumed that I was not worth it and that you were done with me. I am not being a 24/7 drama queen – I saw some of the things that were said about me. What other conclusion was I to reach?
Perhaps we should talk about this in person.
*hugs*
Depression & anxiety orders are very real illnesses that require specialized attention, more so than general clinic or family doctors can offer. Find a professional that can help you out with a long term plan. They can also act as a sounding board for your angst and concerns you have about your friends, which is likely a much better medium than a blog.
You can’t expect your friends to be able to deal with your depression better than you can. It sounds like you expect your friends to 100% understand something that you don’t yourself. Like you expect a lot of understanding from them, maybe you should offer them a lot of understanding as well? Your friends might not know the right thing to say each time they reach out to you… can you really hold that over their heads? Can you expect them to know exactly the right thing to say in every situation?
I really like your blog, you’ve made a lot of great posts. You have a wit and grace with words that makes for great entertainment. I think it’s also great that you talk about mental illness, it’s not a topic that is talked about nearly enough. Bringing it to the forefront of people’s minds will go a long way to de-stigmatizing the subject.
However, this isn’t the first passive agressive post I’ve read about one of my friends. Airing people’s mistakes in public isn’t classy. Friends make mistakes. Friendship is a sacred space, and although your friends may sometimes wrong you, airing that private business in public errodes at the sacredness of what you hold and makes it more difficult to get back each time.
I know you don’t like sensoring yourself, but why don’t you take this blog post down and give M a call (if you haven’t already)?
rofl
The mistakes made were my own, and they’ve been acknowledged and I’m dealing with it. I am not airing anyone else’s mistakes. This post is about me, and it isn’t passive-aggressive in any way. It is what it is. I am not attempting to dig at anyone or be sly or stealthy in how I feel. It just .. is. What’s done is done.
I do not expect my friends to doctor my brain. “I wish” does not equal “I expect you to” no matter how you read it. It is a musing, pure and simple.
You’re right, I don’t censor myself.
I don’t think you are wrong for posting how you feel on YOUR blog. That is a big part of who you are and how you deal and move on from things, everyone who knows you understands this(or should). I hope you are able to find what it is that can make you happy. I was wrong before when I tried to help last time you had this issue. It isn’t easy to just say hey I want to be happy. It works for some but one size does not fit all. I don’t think it is fair for people to attack you for your blog. You carefully worded the above and it is obvious you were hurt. I hope it works out. My thoughts are with you and sending happy fairies to spread their magic dust on you. <3 Lil
I read this blog like my life depends on it, and I had no idea who was being talked about (until they outed themselves).
I’ve been pondering whether to comment, and if I did what to say. Having been someone who broke up with you in the past, I know how hard it can be on both sides of the equation. I also feel because I’ve been there, that I can say with some conviction that I understand why you put this in your blog.
So this is where I might sound a bit two-faced to those involved. I think you had every right to post this in your blog. You didn’t call anyone out by name. As Mike said, we wouldn’t have known who you were talking about had they not posted comments about the situation. I know that it can be hard to know someone is blogging about you, but sometimes that’s an invitation to follow up with them privately rather than in their comments. You never resolve anything when it becomes a comment war. I’ve been there and done that. Emotions are just too raw.
Maybe it’s unfair, but in some ways I think being friends with Kimli is knowing that her blog is her soul and things will be discussed there. You take the good with the bad. I sometimes regret that I didn’t have the ability to balance my close friendship with Kimli and my challenges in my own relationships. In the end, I did what I had to do at the time, but I miss that friendship we had.
Anyhow, I just wanted to say, Kimli, that I’m sorry things are sucking again for you on the mental health front. I think you’ve come such a long way in recognizing your challenges even if you don’t always know what to do about it or when. If there’s any way you would consider seeing a therapist, I agree that it’s a great option to give you other ways to work through the depression and the difficulties friendships often provide. Hang in there.
I have had relationships with friends & lovers wrecked because of my struggles with depression & the other aliments I deal with. I can appreciate now how they didn’t know how to help me; I didn’t know how to help myself.
When you write about your depression, it’s like you’re inside my head. It’s hard (for me, anyways) to talk about, and you do it in a way that’s serious, yet not overly heavy.
I’m sorry things suck in your head. I really feel for you.
I certainly didn’t mean to come off so attacky. As I’ve said previously, I have a lot of respect for many of the words you write. One of the points of a blog and the open forum it exists within, be it political, professional, personal or other, is that it opens up the dialog to critique, discussion, and praise. I meant what I said more as counter-thoughts and did not mean to come off so aggressive.
The subject brought up a lot of personal feelings for me (which is likely why I came off as attacky) as just over two years ago, I lost my sister who I was living with to severe depression. So I have a lot of personal, very close to home feelings on the subject and know intimately what it’s like to be the helpless friend/sister. I also learned a lot about the demons she faced as well, which is why I’m an advocate of seeking a professional to talk to. It’s not an easy situation for anyone to be in. While you may only be “wishing” your friends would be able to do certain things or do more, I know personally there is already a lot of guilt and helplessness associated with not being able to help someone you care so much about. Knowing that your friend “wishes” you could do more can go a long way to compounding that guilt and helpless feeling.
I’m not saying that’s what your friends feel, it probably isn’t, but it could be. That’s what I felt in a similar siuation. I just really wanted to provide that counter view and I likely didn’t do a good job of it.
And I won’t ever think that airing the sacred things that go on in a friendship in public is ever classy, whether or not your naming names and its your own journal, or however you want to position it, but if your friends are cool with it than I have a ton of respect for those relationships that you have and will not question it again.
Ugh, sorry for the novel. I’m going to shut up and go away now.