Lemon was very vocal about his displeasure at my leaving, so my errands will wait for another day. They weren’t important, and are actually moot for now – my damn game isn’t in at EB yet, and I have plenty of Diet Coke at home. There’s no reason for me to leave, which suits Lemon just fine.
He’s sleeping right now, which is giving my hands a break. He doesn’t seem to like it when I leave the room, but I’ve been ducking out to pee and spend time with the other cats, trying to ignore his tiny squeaky cries. He’s actually doing quite well, and seems to think he’s ready for the world beyond our spare room door. That won’t happen for a few days yet, but it’s good to see that he’s eager to mingle and explore.
I hope this all works out. That’s my biggest fear, and my greatest desire – I want a big happy family of animals and also Ed. We had a very rocky time leading up to Lemon’s arrival because Ed did not want a 4th cat, and I used very stupid tactics to drop the bomb on him. We patched things up (I hope), and seeing Ed interact with Lemon last night made me smile. It also makes me feel guilty on several levels: I know he’s trying to get along with this tiny interloper for my sake and also I think he wants babies.
Did I forget to mention that?
I think Ed wants kids. He would make a great father – he’s good with small creatures, both human and non. Deep down I think that part of his refusal to get a vasectomy is because a very small part of him wants babies, and that terrifies me more than my eloquent vocabulary can let on. My membership in Team No Babies is unwavering as ever, but I do sometimes feel guilty that my selfish decision to spit on my god-given duty to procreate might affect others.
Only sometimes, mind you – I am nothing if not selfish and self-righteous in my refusal to let other people sway how I live my life, even if I happen to be married to one of them. I do not play well with others.
This is what happens when I’m locked in a room with a computer and a sleeping kitten – I think. I should never think. Scary things come to the surface when I think.