grand aspirations

Lemon was very vocal about his displeasure at my leaving, so my errands will wait for another day. They weren’t important, and are actually moot for now – my damn game isn’t in at EB yet, and I have plenty of Diet Coke at home. There’s no reason for me to leave, which suits Lemon just fine.

He’s sleeping right now, which is giving my hands a break. He doesn’t seem to like it when I leave the room, but I’ve been ducking out to pee and spend time with the other cats, trying to ignore his tiny squeaky cries. He’s actually doing quite well, and seems to think he’s ready for the world beyond our spare room door. That won’t happen for a few days yet, but it’s good to see that he’s eager to mingle and explore.

I hope this all works out. That’s my biggest fear, and my greatest desire – I want a big happy family of animals and also Ed. We had a very rocky time leading up to Lemon’s arrival because Ed did not want a 4th cat, and I used very stupid tactics to drop the bomb on him. We patched things up (I hope), and seeing Ed interact with Lemon last night made me smile. It also makes me feel guilty on several levels: I know he’s trying to get along with this tiny interloper for my sake and also I think he wants babies.

Did I forget to mention that?

I think Ed wants kids. He would make a great father – he’s good with small creatures, both human and non. Deep down I think that part of his refusal to get a vasectomy is because a very small part of him wants babies, and that terrifies me more than my eloquent vocabulary can let on. My membership in Team No Babies is unwavering as ever, but I do sometimes feel guilty that my selfish decision to spit on my god-given duty to procreate might affect others.

Only sometimes, mind you – I am nothing if not selfish and self-righteous in my refusal to let other people sway how I live my life, even if I happen to be married to one of them. I do not play well with others.

This is what happens when I’m locked in a room with a computer and a sleeping kitten – I think. I should never think. Scary things come to the surface when I think.

6 thoughts on “grand aspirations

  1. Lemon is adorable. The whole baby thing is a tough one. As a member of team “omg we have kids” I can vouch that even if you don’t like other people’s kids, you may just likelove your own. :P But I can understand your view point and totally dig your stance. It’s not your thing. But keep in mind if the decision is because you don’t like other people’s children, that really isn’t very viable. Everyone is different, and our kids are total proof that you can raise awesome kids that aren’t fucked up and also aren’t anything like those other people’s kids. Again, just a point. Totally okay with your stance and all, just saying. :) Also, your kitten is totally cute. :D

  2. Can I ask a dumb question (speaking as another Team No Babies member who uh….has been through that situation)? Did you and Ed discuss the no-babyness before getting married? Or is this kinda uh…creeping up on you?

  3. Here’s my thought for what it’s worth…

    Had you dangled the possibility of kids as a reason to get married and now decided to come out with the fact you’ve known you’ll never have kids, that would be selfish. You didn’t do that. You have always been very clear on your desire to not have kids. Ed has known this since before you were married, and I believe he’s expressed his support of this decision. I remember conversations about last names and no future kids and all that jazz. Maybe part of him thinks it would be cool to have a kid, but that’s not enough to change your decision as a couple to be without the babies.

    Tell Ed he can come down and babysit anytime! That’ll remind him of the joy of kids and the extra pleasure in being able to give them back when you’re done. :P

  4. I was just coming to answer Jennifer’s question, but Ali summed it up excellently for me :) Yes, we definitely talked about this from the beginning and my stance hasn’t changed an iota – and he was on the same page every time it came up.

    The more I think about it, I think “never say never” applies to HIM – not me.

  5. I don’t fear babies the way you do, but at this stage in my life I don’t want one of my own. I also don’t see babies in my future.. I can just relate to them.
    I’d be a good uncle.
    I’m fine with furry pointy babies thank you very much.

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