(this is NOT for the squeamish)

(seriously)

(do not click “more”)

(you’ll regret it)

At the end of another long, pointless day, a man walked into my office. He didn’t have an appointment – hell, I hadn’t had anything scheduled on my calendar for the last month, but appearances must be kept – but there was little else for me to do but hear him out. Who knows, it might be worth my while. More likely, though, it’ll just be another pathetic hack convinced his juggling mime act is the Next Big Thing.

His smile is wide, and behind him, his wife is even wider. He thrusts a large hand at me, to which I respond by standing and limply offering my own. He pumps eagerly – one, two, three, fourfivesixseveneightnineteneleven – and I have to wrestle myself out of his clammy, oddly warm grip.

“HI THERE! My name is Jeremiah Jonathon Hezekiah Jones, but you can call me Jerry or “Big Jere” for short!”

He winked at me. 12 seconds in, and I was already looking for an escape.

“This lovely lady behind me is my beautiful Milly, and we’re an act! A family act!”

“Uh, that’s nice, but I’m not really looking ..”

Milly barreled her husband aside. “Please, sir! Just give us two minutes – you’ll love it, I swear! We’re really unique!”

I made a show of looking at my watch and calculating. In truth, I had nothing better to do, but I didn’t want to seem too interested. After an appropriate pause, I sighed and said “You have 2 minutes. Tell me about your act.”

Big Jere’s smile grew even wider. “Thank you! You won’t regret this! Okay, picture this:

“The stage is dark except for a single spotlight. In silence, I walk out and stand perfectly still in the center of the light. The music starts – quietly first, then getting louder as Milly joins me. As the timpani kicks in with a roar, the two of us bend over and rip our clothes off! We’re both naked except for the paint – Milly’s got an upside down cross painted down her front, and I’m decked out in a bright red swastika! As the crowd oohs and ahhs, Milly spreads her legs and pulls out the giant dildo she has crammed up her cunt! Then she turns around, bends over, and yanks out the butt plug! I turn around and do the same thing, only I’ve got anal beads. Milly throws her two pieces over to me, and I start juggling the crusty toys as she flops down in front of me and starts sucking me off. I’m juggling, she’s sucking, and then! She takes a huge shit, right on the stage! She grabs fistfuls of the liquid shit and starts smearing it on the swastika on my chest – see, it’s a political statement – and I’m still juggling the dildos, higher and higher. Milly slowly starts shoving sparklers into my urethra, and pulls a lighter from beneath her mammoth floppy left tit. She lights the sparklers and starts dancing around me, flinging her own shit into the audience. You’d think this couldn’t get any better, but guess again! We’re a FAMILY act – as the sparklers are burning their way towards my cock, my son and daughter come out from the wings! They rip off THEIR clothes, and guess what – my son is actually my daughter, and my daughter is my son! They both straddle their mother, who is now lying in her own shit at my feet and spreading wide, displaying her meaty cunt for the audience. The kids both start pissing in unison, all over my Milly! My son sits on Milly’s face and deep throats my cock, sparklers and all, while my daughter slips on a strap-on with a huge black rubber cross where a dick should be. She starts plowing her mother in time to the music, their bellies slapping together while their dripping holes spray chunky menstrual clots everywhere! Then – the monkeys! Two trained monkeys dressed like Hitler and Jesus come out on stage, and the Hitler Monkey licks my daughter’s asshole while the Jesus monkey climbs up onto my shoulders and shits directly in my mouth. My son pulls himself out of his mother’s mouth, moves to the front of the line, and jams his tiny cock into the Hitler monkey’s ass as it’s rimming my daughter, who by now is pounding my wife’s ass with the giant rubber cross. The Jesus monkey hangs off my nipples and starts beating my meat with his own, and my son tears the Hitler monkey off his cock and starts fisting his sister’s cunt while my wife licks the Hitler monkey’s balls as he shits on my daughter’s face. Suddenly, a large object drops from the ceiling – it’s grandma! At least, it was before she drowned in her bathtub last year. She’s a little green and bloated, but that doesn’t stop my daughter from pulling out of her mother’s ass and forcing the rubber cross down grandma’s throat while I shove my cock up my son’s virgin hole. Then, as the music swells to an impossible climax, everyone pulls out and grabs a handful of monkey shit, using it as lube as we masturbate furiously. Milly and Susie make a sandwich with grandma, and the men folk shoot a sticky white load all over the girls who then snowball it back and forth as they roll around in the remaining shit on the stage with the decomposing corpse of my mother. And if THAT ain’t patriotic enough for ya, we then get up and stand in a row, give the Nazi salute, shout “sieg Heil!” and ram that same arm up the ass of the person next to us. My son is at the end of the row, and he skips around the stage leading us all like a conga line, finally coming to rest behind me – and then shoves his own arm up MY ass. As a finale, we’re one great big fist-to-ass circle with the shit-and-cum covered corpse in the center and we do the Hokey Pokey, ending with everyone pissing into a cup which my daughter then drinks to the audience’s health! It’s a real crowd pleaser; they just can’t get enough of it!”

Big Jere and Milly look at me expectantly, their faces beaming with pride and anticipation. I hardly know what to say, so I try to make random noises until my speech patterns return.

“That’s .. that’s quite the act you have there. Uh .. what .. what do you call yourselves?”

Big Jere and Milly do a little flourish, and with jazz hands waving in the air conditioning, they say in unison:

“We’re the Aristocrats!”

Ba-dum pssh.