I am sad, damnit.
Tomorrow is the Deathiversary, and I am suffering from a severe case of premature ejaculation sadness. Compounding matters is the guilt. I have guilt. Have I mentioned my guilt?
I feel guilty for being sad. Half of me spends the entire time I’m sad thinking “dude it’s been three years, get over it” – and the other half of me is incredulous at my own insensitivity, thinking “dude your dad died and it’s only been three years, you can be sad as you want for as long as you want” and then there’s another part of me thinking “I want some Diet Coke”.
It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. There is no statute of limitations on grief, and I loved my dad and it sucks that he’s gone. It’s been three years – somehow that seems like an eternity, but some days it feels like it was last week.
I had the first two deathiversaries off, so I could wallow around in my own sadness. Tomorrow I have no such luxury, and I’m wondering how it’s all going to play out.
Then there’s the guilt for the whole “going to New York when my dad was sick because my mom insisted that’s what he would want and then his taking a severe turn for the worse while I was 3000 miles away and making it back to Victoria literally half an hour before he died meaning I never got to hear his voice or know that he heard me telling him I loved him” thing, which is a whole other epic spell in a therapist’s chair.
Yeah, today is full up with the sad.
And yet, I feel bad for feeling sad.
I am not so smart.
delicious juice dot com 
I know it’s not the same but I’m still very upset and angry about a friend dying a year and a half ago. And I feel bad, like I’m not supposed to still be emotionally connected to it and that still reacting like this means I’m incapable of letting go. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you being sad, especially on the anniversary.
Don’t worry, it gets easier…
It took me three years to throw out the guilt that I held on to from my Pop’s death. I was young and didn’t take the mature approach to dealing with his death so instead of confronting it in the face, I hid. It took me those three years to get to the point that I realized he would have protected me from that if it was possible, so I should not feel guilty to not standing up and confronting my fears of seeing him in pain.
I still think about him everyday, but you have to come to the realization that they would not want you to live in guilt and grief, which takes time. It was funny how after 3 years (which is what psychologists say is how long it takes to get past the grief) it actually was better. I guess we are all wired to work the same way.
Also, thanks for making me tear up at work. :-)
I hear ya on the sad.
My mom passed away on her 50th birthday in July 2007. She was in a nice hospice, and had been for about a week and a half. My work was being flexible, but the morning of her birthday I decided to go in and not an hour after I arrived, I got the call saying she didn’t have much time. I don’t know how I drove from Vancouver to Port Moody without crashing the car, but I got there about half an hour after she had passed.
Let yourself feel the regret, wallow in it for as long as you need. But what your mom said is true, your dad would have wanted you on that trip. So feel the regret, feel the sadness, let them air and swim around. But be comforted by the grand scheme of things, your dad’s whole life and whatever comes next. It’s okay – I don’t know many things for sure, but I do know my mom’s okay whereever she is, even though I miss her. Your dad’s fine, too.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this pain, but I know what it’s like and know it needs to be felt. Hope you hang in there.
Heather
Three years sounds about right, but don’t expect year 4 to be that much easier; all that changes is the growing context of your own life.
When my Dad died, I was “mature”, and I got there, 1500 miles away, with 6 hours to spare, but he was past the point of being able to communicate. It took longer than 3 years for me. I’m past that now, but I have the pain of my eldest daughter falling often often into the same life path he took.
Be glad that you had moments of joy with your Dad, to carry in your heart.
Ken
Oh hon… I totally get it. I’m only a couple months off of 1 year, when almost the exact same thing happened to me. Except that I wasn’t there when my Dad died.
It’s shit. I miss him every single day. I wish I had spent more time with him when he was alive. But, I can’t look back — Feeling guilty about something that I couldn’t change just isn’t in the cards. I need to take care of me.
And, so do you. Celebrate his life by living your best one while you can. Enjoy the moments.
Sending you a big hug.
In the end, we all die alone.
((hugs))
If only sadness and grief could respond to logical thought…