I have a vagina made of Wolverine.

I’m just going to pause for a second and admire that sentence – okay, done. That is truly a great sentence, though. I like it almost as much as yesterday’s salsa analogy.

To the point, then. Despite yesterday’s outrageous and blinding pain all down in my lady business, by last night at 11pm it had disappeared. It didn’t just fade away; it was gone. Logically, then, the only conclusion I can come to is that my vagina has healing powers along the lines of those possessed by a Marvel comic book character. Makes perfect sense.

Yesterday afternoon I did eventually panic enough to call the BC Nurse’s Hotline and ask what I should do. The nurse, while very nice, had no idea – her exact words were “huh, that’s odd”. I heartily agreed. We talked for a bit, and she suggested that I take myself to the doctor immediately. It was almost 5pm, so I packed up my desk and scooted my broken garden to the clinic I go to when I break myself (I have a Frequent Shopper card there). The visit itself sucked all the ass in the universe – there are few things more unpleasant than an unexpected internal exam. I peed in a cup, and she inspected my junk. Verdict: a probable UTI coupled with a tear. Solution: Umm ..

See, I’m already on antibiotics to fight my sinus infection and an additional dose just seems like overkill. She said there was really nothing I could do – the tear would heal itself, if I have a UTI the antibiotics I’m already taking should clear that up too, my WSD is still in place and looking lovely, and take some Advil for the pain. I put my pants back on and went home, because there was really nothing else going on. I hurt, everything sucks, my girl parts are stupid.

Stupid, but super powered. I’ve been peeing with caution (and not coughing while doing it), and there is no discomfort. I can’t help but tense up at even the memory of the searing hot pokers of what the fuck, but so far it’s been good. Here’s hoping things are better down there.

If not for this morning’s adventure in porcelain, I’d be downright jolly. I’m mostly just pissed off, though – I am AT MY LIMIT with being sick in mysterious and complicated ways.

To cheer myself up, I bought myself a diamond necklace. Hooray!

What?