inappropriate

I damn well learned my lesson last time, so before I start today’s post I would like to make a Public Service Announcement:

Suicide is not funny. It is serious business. If you or someone you know is thinking about committing suicide, please please please get help. There are excellent support systems set up in every corner of the world – in Vancouver, you can call the BC Crisis Center at 604-872-3311, or 1.800.SUICIDE from anywhere in BC.

Okay, that should keep the bad karma at bay:

Back in December of last year, I was alarmed to see mysterious black bundles with ominous antennae affixed to the Lions Gate Bridge. My inner conspiracy theorist was further dismayed to note that someone had taken the time to add police tape that said “ALL CLEAR” to each bundle. I did not buy it – all clear my ASS. We were going to get exploded. Any day now.

It’s 6 months later, and as you might be aware, we are not exploded. In fact, the black bundles were unwrapped this week, and this is what’s inside:

LGBphone
So you see, there’s no reason to worry. We’re not going to explode at all! And if you’re going to jump off the bridge, here’s a phone so you can tell someone you’re about to do it!

The instant I saw these, I laughed. I admit it; I’m probably going to hell. I can’t help it though – suicide and suicide prevention have a very special place in my heart due to that whole thing with the comma. When I told my entire high school to go kill themselves via the school newspaper, all I had to do was black out the offending (and unintentional, honest) sentence, listen to an hour long speech over the PA system about how suicide is not the answer, and attend an assembly about not killing yourself (your problems are temporary! Suicide is permanent!). I can’t even *begin* to imagine the magnitude of the fuckup someone committed to require the installation of anti-suicide phones – it makes my missing comma look like a playful kitten batting at some string.

Instructions
Remember, suicide: not funny. I’m just a terrible person who finds humour in the most inappropriate of places.

However, accidental suicide is hilarious (yet tragic). Auto-erotic asphyxiation never fails to send me off into spasms of laughter because it’s just so .. so .. ridiculous. I’m sorry. It just is.

It also doesn’t help that I find the similarities between the Crisis Center logo and the ICBC logo to be striking and very funny.

Thanks to Josh (who I am told was NOT thinking about jumping off the bridge, he was just walking over it) for the pictures!

I damn well learned my lesson last time, so before I start today’s post I would like to make a Public Service Announcement:

Suicide is not funny. It is serious business. If you or someone you know is thinking about committing suicide, please please please get help. There are excellent support systems set up in every corner of the world – in Vancouver, you can call the BC Crisis Center at 604-872-3311, or 1.800.SUICIDE from anywhere in BC.

Okay, that should keep the bad karma at bay:

Back in December of last year, I was alarmed to see mysterious black bundles with ominous antennae affixed to the Lions Gate Bridge. My inner conspiracy theorist was further dismayed to note that someone had taken the time to add police tape that said “ALL CLEAR” to each bundle. I did not buy it – all clear my ASS. We were going to get exploded. Any day now.

It’s 6 months later, and as you might see, we are not exploded. In fact, the black bundles were unwrapped this week, and this is what’s inside:

So you see, there’s no reason to worry. We’re not going to explode at all! And if you’re going to jump off the bridge, here’s a phone so you can tell someone you’re about to do it!

The instant I saw these, I laughed. I admit it; I’m probably going to hell. I can’t help it though – suicide and suicide prevention have a very special place in my heart due to that whole thing with the comma. When I told my entire high school to go kill themselves via the school newspaper, all I had to do was black out the offending (and unintentional, honest) sentence, listen to an hour long speech over the PA system about how suicide is not the answer, and attend an assembly about not killing yourself (your problems are temporary! Suicide is permanent!). I can’t even *begin* to imagine the magnitude of the fuckup someone committed to require the installation of anti-suicide phones – it makes my missing comma look like a playful kitten batting at some string.

Remember, suicide: not funny. I’m just a terrible person who finds humour in the most inappropriate of places.

However, accidental suicide is hilarious (yet tragic). Auto-erotic asphyxiation never fails to send me off into spasms of laughter because it’s just so .. so .. ridiculous. I’m sorry. It just is.

7 thoughts on “inappropriate

  1. I was talking to some visitors about how anti-suicide measures were being installed on the Lions Gate and Golden Gate bridges due to the numbers of jumpers; specifically I mentioned the nets they’ve put under the Golden Gate.

    One of the guys responded in indignation, saying something along the lines of, “You shouldn’t deny people the right to have an aesthetically-pleasing suicide”. I suggested that their recovered bodies are not aesthetically pleasing a few days later, but he considered that irrelevant.

    Maybe these boxes make sense; conventional wisdom suggests that most people who want to jump in such a public place as a big suspension bridge don’t really want to die, but are asking for help. Otherwise you’d just do it in the privacy of your Bangkok hotel room closet.

  2. Should I know what you are referring to by “the thing with the comma”? I’ve been reading you for years now and can’t dig it up from my memory banks…

  3. I can guess :) Maybe something like :

    “If you are thinking about the future, don’t kill yourself.”
    “If you are thinking about the future don’t, kill yourself.”

    I’m sorry, but IMO aesthetically-pleasing suicide would be an OD of oxycontin, not hurling yourself off a bridge.

    • Close but not quite .. I’ll write it up today or tomorrow :) I could have sworn I posted it before but I can’t find it in any of my archives, so I’ll tell the story!

  4. I love the “Replace phone when finished” instruction… finished what? Shouldn’t the cops be dispatched or something? I mean, really…

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