civic duty: done

The cop did show up in full uniform, gun and handcuffs and all. His shiny business card says he’s a Corporal – I don’t know what that is, but it sure sounds fancy.

We walked through the office to a boardroom so I could give my statement. I had to write it out with a PEN – how delightfully 1883 – and we talked while I diligently tried to fit my enormous handwriting on an 8×14 piece of official police paper.

Turns out the bad man confessed to stealing my plate because he had just purchased a stolen motorcycle from “some guy” and wanted to go for a ride. He was pulled over for speeding – not the smartest thing to do when riding an illegal bike with a stolen plate – and when the cop got out of his car, the perp drove into him and dragged him out onto the highway. He pulled the guy off the bike and they both rolled around on the pavement for a bit, luckily not getting hit by cars.

Even though the arresting officer is also the victim and he has a recorded confession plus the bike, the plate AND my original police report, he STILL needed to get my solemnly sworn statement that I had reported my plate stolen at least 4 days before he guy was caught by his own incredible stupidity. So, I gave it. I am noble.

Unfortunately, I probably won’t have to go to court and testify (although I’m totally willing to, because that would be awesome). The bad guy confessed and won’t fight the charges of Grand Theft License Plate or Driving Into an Officer Seriously Are You Stupid or Something, so they’ll just throw him in jail or fine him or something. I am not clear what exactly they do to criminals; by this point the sunglasses are usually off and The Who is screaming over the credits.

While I AM sorry that the cop got hurt (minorly; he said it wasn’t too bad), I am strangely proud of my missing license plate for having such an adventure without me.

And it totally worked; my office was scandalized. It was especially awesome that as I saw the cop out, my BossBoss was walking in. I hope he thinks the worst. That can only be truly hilarious.

OH I almost forgot the best part – the cop said that normally he would just ask me to write up a statement and email it to him, but he usually doesn’t get enough information that way and has to go back and forth with the witness. Of all the things I could have POSSIBLY done wrong in this scenario, being guilty of not providing enough information is probably the least likely thing EVER. If anything, he would have gotten a booklet of prose and haiku based on what I did over the 12 hours my scooter was tampered with. Not enough information, my ASS!

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