Both Ed and the Sexy Mortgage Broker were drunk, so it seemed only logical that I join them. After all, these were the most terrifying papers I would ever sign in my life – the only way I could look at that enormous number and not run screaming into the night was if I was otherwise occupied with keeping my balance. The fact that we were at a party and our combined blood alcohol level hovered around 7 was of no consequence; there were papers to sign!
That night, I became a man in more ways than one. I knew I had to time it perfectly – drink too early and I’d sober up before we began; drink too late and I’d be sober during the deed and incoherent for the rest of the evening. I almost missed my cue – Chris pulled out the papers and stumbled into a quiet corner with Ed while I was busy making the random baby cry (not on purpose; I just don’t know how to hold small children), so I pawned him off on Miranda and told the guys to wait: I had drinking to do.
I needed alcohol in my system, and I didn’t have time to mess around. I raced downstairs and surveyed my options: beer, vodka-based fruit punch, wine .. tequila! I can do tequila! There was no time to fuss with mixers, so I did what any sensible person would do in that situation: I drank it straight out of the bottle.
I AM A MAN!
I drank the entire (50ml; mini-bar sized) bottle in three quick swigs, refusing to let the taste register. A few deep breaths later, I was ready for action: let me at those mortgage papers! Just try and stop me from signing my name in 5” letters across the top of each page! The room was spinning, I barely remember what Chris was explaining to me, and I’m pretty sure I spelled my name wrong at least once – but, my friends, we are *done*. The papers are signed, the lawyers have been notified, the truck is booked. All that’s left to do is get the keys (December 18th) and move our collective asses in.
THIS IS SPARTA!
Technically, the papers we signed aren’t legally binding – something about all three of us being highly intoxicated – but that just adds a whole new level of awesome to the entire thing.