xxx diy

We spent a lot of time in Powell’s when we were in Portland, because it’s pretty much the Happiest Nerd Place on Earth. I could have easily spent hundreds if not thousands of dollars on books in there, but managed to check myself before I wrecked myself (and our credit rating). Part of the reason for my restraint was pseudo-logical (and, as it turns out, faulty) – if I was going to be getting an iPad, I would be drastically cutting back the number of physical books I had in favour of electronic versions, so I should obviously not buy all the books in sight. Of course, it later turns out that I didn’t get an iPad (and 99% of ebooks aren’t available in Canada for some reason) so putting down those books was an exercise in futility and needless restraint. I hate that.

I didn’t walk away empty handed, though. In addition to finding Shan’s birthday gift, I found something just for me:

quick AND easy? hot damn!

If only I could decide which craft to try first!

Will it be:

Soapy Suds, the fuckable bar of soap?

i have to admit, this is one i hadn't thought of

if I had a nickel for every time ..

Fruity-Scoopy, the fuckable pumpkin?

a warm, fleshy, sensual experience .. with a microwaved gourd

Sloppy Sock, the two-in-one fuck puppet slash jizz rag?

someone needed instructions for this? boys have been jerking off in socks since the late proterozoic era

well that's handy!

A Crochet Restrictor?

i'm gonna need kim werker's help with this one

Cell Phone Climax?

...

  1. I love my iPhone and I love my vagina, but I do not love my iPhone IN my vagina
  2. For what it costs to get a cell phone these days you could buy a DOZEN real vibrators
  3. Confession time: I masturbated once with a pager. Remember pagers? Yeah. Even with my land line on redial, it was awkward and stilted.
  4. this is such a stupid idea

The Midas Touch?

the LAST thing I need are yosemite sam-like gold prospectors dancing, shooting and hollering about "gold in them there hills!"

The unfortunately named and clearly not vegan Salami Strap-On?

the thought of this is actually making me kind of queasy - deli meat of this nature is usually fragrant and greasy, and even with the delightful texture the thought of fucking anyone with it is .. well, it's gross. and i am not the squeamish type.

I feel a craft night coming on!

Truthfully, as hilarious as the book is, it’s not THAT useful. Most of these ideas I’ve seen or heard before (many on my favourite website, jackinworld.com), and the ideas for women downright lame. I’ve never needed a book to tell me that fruit and vegetables make excellent sex objects if you’re desperate and without shame – I’ve gone through some staggering lengths (no pun intended) to make masturbation more interesting in the past: when you’re horny and feeling adventurous, many otherwise innocuous household items begin to look mighty fuckable. A lot of the recipes aren’t for sex toys as much as they are for sex accessories – I wouldn’t consider a crocheted cock sock or handmade thong a toy; they don’t get you off. Blindfolds and leather paddles are FUN, but not toys in the traditional sense. Of the 50 DIY projects in the book, I’d say MAYBE 18-20 are designed to produce actual orgasms – the rest are either decorative (wrist cuffs, storage boxes) or just plain weird (gold leafing your boobs? A dildo holding tool belt?).

It’s not like I could leave the book behind, though. It combines many of my favourite things into one portable element – books, crafting, orgasms, hilarity – and it’s bringing back fond memories of that time I got the internet to masturbate for me and report back on their findings.

But seriously, who wants a knitted gimp mask for Christmas?

5 thoughts on “xxx diy

  1. I think, when you said, “boys have been jerking off in socks from the late proterozoic area,” you actually meant to reference the precumbrian era.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s