I feel like I imagine Ke$sha smells on a regular basis – sticky and sickly sweet, like melted candy that was stored in a dirty sock. In fact, if I had on fewer clothes and more makeup I could see where I’d be going with this, and it isn’t pretty. I *am* fairly cute today – hello, new favourite outfit – but I FEEL as though I went twelve rounds at a swinger’s club in the 70s without mopping up in between.

I woke up to the sound of a jackhammer deconstructing the road directly below my bedroom window, and my day has only gotten worse from there. I desperately wanted a shower to wash the night off, but oh look – no hot water again. I had to settle for soaking my head and massaging as many knots out as I could manage, but I am in no way clean; I just couldn’t bring myself to take an ice cold shower on what was an already unpleasant Tuesday. So, I feel like a trashy pop star looks. This doesn’t bode well for the rest of my day.

All grime aside, I am BEYOND DELIGHTED that my melodramatic hypochondria appears to extend to my dental health as well. My checkup yesterday was not nearly as traumatic as I had feared, and while I have at least three more appointments ahead of me (one to finish my cleaning and two to deal with my issues), I am no longer dreading it as much as I am resigned. It helps a lot that all the horrible things I had been imagining were completely false – in fact, for someone who hadn’t been to a dentist in 8 years, my teeth were not that bad at all. The cavities I thought I had? Weren’t. Yes, I do have a few areas that should be dealt with, but the gaping hole I imagined in one tooth in particular was nothing of the sort and I definitely don’t need a root canal on my root canal. The biggest problem in my mouth are the fillings that are older than dinosaurs and need to be replaced – they’re made of metal and contain mercury and lead and arsenic and all kinds of awesome toxic things. They’re gonna replace them with modern technology – maybe little computers with cameras and wifi – and then things will be super. It was a good appointment with some awesome dental people, and I left happy with a clean lower mouth. Hooray!

I am giving half-serious thought to camping out on Thursday night for the new iPhone. I’ve never camped out for anything before, and figure it would be kind of hilarious and also I’d get a new toy. What to do? I’ll probably chicken out and just order online, but I want it nooooow. Not on Friday or sometime next week, but noooooooow. I do not like to wait.

Have you been following my other blog? There’s a lot of awesome over there, I promise.

all the better to eat you with my dear