I want a doctor
To take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well

find the alien egg sac!

Despite my worrying and liberal interpretation of the speed limit, I managed to make it to the hospital exactly on time. It was only a few minutes before I was in a private room with my pants down around my bum; a woman marinating me in cold jelly so she could take a look around. After taking some pictures, she explained that my bladder was barely full enough – are you fucking kidding me? I was swimming – which MIGHT yield enough information as to what’s going on in my hoohah, but to be safe I could also opt for the inter-vaginal ultrasound bonus pack. Feeling brave because there was no audience (and because I just want this over with), I agreed to the Vag Cam and was rewarded with a trip to the bathroom to relieve my tricky bladder. Hooray!

I partially disrobed and rerobed in the hospital’s finest, and went back into the room. The internal camera was a long tube covered in latex and lube, which I was to insert myself (which, needless to say, I was really good at). She wiggled it around and took pictures (I assume – I had no real idea what was going on), then left me to get dressed while the radiologist looked at the pictures. After a few minutes, she dismissed me to the Urgent Care Center where I could sit and await my results.

This was the worst part of the morning, because I sat around the clinic for over an hour before the doctor got to me. Dr. Jolly went over the paperwork he was sent from radiology, and told me they found .. nothing. As far as pelvises go, mine was unremarkable (which for once is good). There were no lumps or eggs clogs or mysterious babies up in anything; my girl junk is totally awesome. The Weapon of Sperm Destruction is where it should be and has not developed artificial intelligence – I’m fine. Of course, none of that explains why I’ve been experiencing Random Wombat Pain, so they’ve referred me to a vagina specialist. My Eventual Pee indicated a high white cell count, which could indicate a symptom-free UTI; something easily cleared up with drugs. I’ll call for the appointment on Tuesday, and in the meantime .. well, it’s New Year’s Eve. I think I’ll celebrate my excellent vagina and toast to a good 2011 for all.

no sex no drugs no wine no women
no fun no sin no you
no wonder it’s dark