darkness there and nothing more

I’m a cynic at heart, and often (correctly) assume that some conditions are over-exaggerated in the name of selling products to quell your fears. The cosmetics industry is the worst for this; a billion dollar industry created by making women feel bad about aging and preying on the resulting self-loathing. Knowing this and feeling smugly superior about the ability to see the Big Picture doesn’t guarantee immunity, though – if that were true, my morning ritual could be reduced to a quick spray of water from the kitchen and I’d be on my way. A quick mental tally tells me I use a staggering 22 different cosmetic products before I leave the house in the morning; each designed to volumize, freshen, conceal, brighten, smooth, widen and gleam. It’s a pain in the ass, but I’ll still do it every day because I’ve been brought up to dislike how I look with a “naked” face – it’s not MY face; I look like a stranger. I only feel comfortable when slathered with layer after layer of creams and powders and glitter.

(I have a point; bear with me). Since I am so smugly superior about it all, I naturally assumed that products designed to eliminate dark circles from under your eyes are a load of bunk. People don’t REALLY get eye circles; it’s just bad lighting causing shadows and/or paranoia. Those pricey creams don’t actually do anything but fool you into thinking that NOW you won’t age; you’re protected by the cream! What vain fools people are!

Imagine my surprise, then, when I awoke this morning and discovered that not only do dark circles under the eyes actually EXIST; they come in different fun shapes for all your “let’s look half dead” needs. I had honest-to-dog darkness under my eyes this morning  – even Ed could see the dark shapes under my eyes that were not caused by lighting. They were real, and they were triangles. Dark circles under the eyes are for amateurs – I am rocking dark triangles of sleeplessness and woe. Awesome!

I look like the friggin’ Crow.

Here is an ASCII representation of what I look like right now:

apparently i also look like andre the giant

I have no nose, I rose from the dead, and I’m going to kick your ass with several straight-to-DVD sequels. Yeah, you better run. My dark triangles will FUCK YOU UP.


4 thoughts on “darkness there and nothing more

  1. If you count every little thing, it totally adds up quickly!

    Um, this wasn’t already in Notepad or anything:

    body wash
    face wash
    hair goo
    top eyeliner
    bottom eyeliner
    lip balm
    lip pencil
    lip goo
    perfume oil
    hair wax
    hair spray


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