I’m in Cuba, with no internet access! I’ll check in if/when I can, but in the meantime, enjoy this post from my archives!
Originally posted May 9th, 2002:
Conversations With My Mother
Dee [editor’s note: this was still early in my blogging years; i went by my online name of DeeAy instead of my real name]: Hello?
Mom: Ahhh! Keem! You’re finally home! Everytime I try to call you’re in Edmonton or at work or just never home! Where do you go? Why don’t you answer the phone?
Dee: Hi, mom .. why don’t you call my cell phone? If I’m not home, I’ll have my cell phone with me and you can call me anytime. Dad has the number, or at least he should ..
Mom: Oh, but I can’t call that phone from work — you know how it is, with the customers and the stupid girls and I had to change my shift because my back hurts but you know how she is the stupid bitch and all the girls hate her but they’re so stupid they can’t sell anything and they don’t know how to close the till and my back hurts so I had to change my shift but the stupid girls don’t want to work with the boss because she’s such a bitch and I haven’t had a raise in 2 years but I can’t retire and I wish I could win the lottery and tell that old biddy where to go and maybe buy and house and so how are you?
Dee: Oh, you know .. things are fine. Work’s going good.
Mom: Have you lost any weight?
Dee: Yes, mom.
Mom: Well, how much?
Dee: 42 pounds.
Mom: Well, you keep at it — you have to eat your vitamins and healthy food and stop eating so much junk and maybe you can lose some weight because I eat my vitamins and only eat healthy food all the time (editor’s note: my mom eats KFC 4 times a week gl hf gg thx) and I eat vegetables too maybe you should eat vegetables to help you lose weight because you really need to lose weight or you’ll have heart attacks and diabetes and how’s Ed?
Dee: Ed’s fine, mom — still working. Stuff’s good!
Mom: I’m so tired after work I usually just go to Frank’s house because it’s closer than home but he’s such a pain we argue all the time so I only spend 3 or 4 nights a week there because I have to give him a bath because he’s still so helpless from his accident almost a year ago (editor’s note: this is where, if you listen really closely you can hear me scratching my eyes out with a plastic fork trying to get to my brain — if I can scrape off that hideous mental image, maybe I *won’t* try to drown myself later) he still can’t shower so I have to help him get clean and then he complains so much he’s like an old woman so I come home and cook for your father and I’m so tired I just stay here because my back hurts so what’s going on with your wedding?
Dee: What do you mean?
Mom: Well, can we stay with you in Calgary?
Dee: Can you WHAT? Why are you coming to Calgary? The wedding is in Edmonton, mom.
Mom: I know but we want to fly to Calgary before the wedding and get a ride up to Edmonton with you and where are we going to stay I don’t want to stay with your brother because Carolee is a bitch so can’t your poor parents stay with you for a night?
Dee: But mom, why would you fly to Calgary when the wedding is in Edmonton? I’ll be going up to Edmonton on Tuesday night and I’ll have people with me and my car is really small — I thought you and dad were going to fly to Edmonton and stay with Poh-Tee (mom’s cousin)?
Mom: Blah blah blah fly to Calgary blah blah stay with you blah blah Calgary blah blah back hurts blah blah?
Dee: Mom! Wait! You can’t fly to Calgary. There is no point for you to fly to Calgary. I won’t be able to drive you to Edmonton — my car will have luggage for 3 people for 2 weeks, plus Ed and Ali. I can’t possibly drive you up to Edmonton! It’s three hours away — WHY would you fly into Calgary?!
Mom: Where are we going to stay? Can we stay with you?
Dee: Mom, I’m staying at Ed’s parent’s place until the night before the wedding when I’ll be getting a hotel room with my friends.
Mom: Oh good idea it’s bad luck to see him before the wedding it might rain.
Dee: Umm, okay. Anyway, Ed’s parents are already going to have his grandparents and aunt and uncle and possibly even some children there, AND me and my friends — I don’t think there’s going to be any room. And his parents smoke. I’ll ask, but I really don’t think there will be room. What happened to staying with Poh-Tee? Dad said you already asked her!
Mom: I forgot.
Dee: You forgot? Don’t you think you should talk to her? *panic is creeping into my voice at this point*
Mom: I have to find her number, do you have it? I don’t know where your father puts these things.
Dee: I don’t have her number, no — but I talked to her at work. Look, you and dad fly into Edmonton on Wednesday and I will pick you up from the airport and take you to Poh-Tees — but I NEED YOU TO CALL HER and ask if you can stay with her!
Mom: What about the wedding? Your dad’s going to give you away so when are you coming to pick us up?
Dee: You want me .. to pick you up .. on the day of the wedding .. and DRIVE you there?!
Mom: Well you dad has to give you away so how are we supposed to get there?
Dee: *tearing out hair* I’ll have to think of something, mom. I’ll either pick you up or get someone to do it for me, okay? I’ll take care of it. Call Poh-Tee. Please.
Mom: Okay I will call her tonight or tomorrow but she might be at work so I will have to call her tomorrow and I will tell you what she says she is probably at work now so I will call tomorrow or tonight and then I will call you back and what do you want for your birthday?
Dee: What? Oh .. I have no idea. What about you? What do you want for YOUR birthday?
Mom: Oh you know what I want? I want a jockey.
Dee: You want a little man who rides a horse?
Mom: No, those jockey shirts. I want those. My back gets so cold and it hurts and if I get a draft my back is sore all the time so I want to get a jockey shirt to cover my back and I have to go to the chiropractor again.
Dee: *using all my powerful skills of mom-deeciphering at hand* Oh! You mean Jockey brand underwear — the undershirts! Like tank tops?
Mom: Yes, a jockey. Get me a large. I like black and grey. It will keep my back warm because it hurts and the boss is a bitch and those stupid girls can’t do anything right and it hurts my back because I have to pick up stuff they drop.
Dee: How about I just get you a gift certificate and let you buy them yourself?
Mom: Okay. I like the large ones to cover my back and do you want to talk to your dad?
Dee: OH GOD YES
Mom: Okay! Say hi to Ed!
Dee: Dad, HELP! WHY IS SHE SAYING SHE WANTS TO FLY TO CALGARY?!
Dad: *saves the day*
Dee: *weeping with relief*
Now you know where I get it from. And now I have to go. Really looking forward to the rest of the day, let me tell you. I’m supposed to talk to three 13 year olds about women in the work place and about my job. Hi .. I’m Dee .. I sit here and use my work time to write really long updates and bitch about my co-workers .. work? Oh, I do that sometimes .. hey, have you seen our pop machine? It’s pretty cool!
I hate wedding panic. Less than four and a half months, and it feels like nothing’s getting done and no one wants to do anything. Can I pull off an entire wedding with just myself?