why can’t i be you

Yesterday while riding Lola to pretzels then work, I saw the saddest thing ever: a young couple walking their two pugs to Tim Hortons for coffee.

It’s sad because THAT SHOULD BE US. I want to live in Mount Pleasant. I want matching pugs; I want a partner who loves our matching pugs. I want to be free to walk to Tim Hortons at 9:30 on a Wednesday morning for coffee and donuts without a care in the world (as far as I could tell from my scooter). I want these things very badly.

Seeing pugs on the street still makes me slump with sadness. I haven’t forgotten my longing for a pug, and it hasn’t gone away – I am still sad on a regular basis that I don’t have a dog. It’s not even the injustice of not having a dog, though .. I miss having an animal that’s MINE.

Tomorrow will be two years since Sasha died, and I still miss her every day. She was my best friend, and she was always there for me. She loved ME and merely tolerated others, and I miss that so much that I still cry myself to sleep when I’m feeling unbearably lonely or sad.

I know we still have three cats, but it’s not the same. While I do love them, the relationship is different – Big Cat belongs to Ed, and everyone else is just a temporary distraction. Small Cat loves everyone, but would be just as happy to sleep on the couch for the rest of time and not move. Loud Cat is definitely coming around and he gets more fun as his personality expands past “grumpy pain in the ass”, but .. it’s not the same. Sasha was loud and ornery and pushy, but she was also fiercely loyal, cuddly, and .. mine. I miss her. I miss having my own animal. It’s what I want, even more than a pug or all the kittens in the world – an animal companion that I had the same kind of connection with; who made me feel as though I could handle anything as long as I had them by my side. I know it’s silly and goes dangerously close to the idea of familiars and spirit animals and my own personal Guenhwyvar, but .. it is what it is.

Will a pug fix the hole in my heart? Another cat, another calico? I honestly don’t know. All I DO know is that I am lonely and I need .. something. Anyone have a something I can have?

i even miss this

One thought on “why can’t i be you

  1. Kimli,

    I know how this feels. A void has been created in the place of a furry loved one. Almost three years ago, I lost my Amiedale to doggy cancer. She was my dog. She was always there for me. I had her for twelve years.

    I do hope you find yourself some animal love soon. Pets are so wondrous to have.

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