That was me yesterday. I cried! That’s actually a good thing; I haven’t cried for true in ages. It sucked while I was crying, and it sucked afterward (I am not an attractive crier), and afterward I had a really bad headache from forcing all that liquid out my eyeballs. The headache and deep aching sadness lasted until I drifted off to sleep; all hurt and wounded like a kicked puppy.
Then I woke up.
I don’t know if I needed a good cry or if yesterday was just the last straw, but I woke up a different person this morning: I went to bed Sad Weepy Hurt Kimli, and woke up Defiant Shit-Disturbing Kimli. I noticed it in the shower when I realized I wasn’t staring at the tiles and willing myself to go down the drain, and the feeling only intensified as I got dressed. I put on my Brave New World outfit for today – it wasn’t a pussy bow, but a fancy-ass turtleneck – and I was disgusted with myself. I ripped the shirt off and put on the last pussy bow; the one I was saving for tomorrow. It was no better than the turtleneck, so it too came off. Finally, I reached for a different shirt – a NORMAL shirt – and got dressed, put on a necklace (I’d gone without jewellery all week because of the pussy bows), and checked the mirror again. OH HI, ME! I’ve missed you!
So yeah, fuck Pussy Bow Week. Fuck being someone else. Fuck trying to fit in. There is nothing wrong with who I am. The work I do is really, really good. I deserve to be recognized for the work I’ve done this past year and the contributions I make to this company. Okay, maybe I should stop believing people when they make promises to me – it always seems to end badly – but I do not deserve to be looked upon as someone’s pet just because they don’t understand what I do.
The news I received at work yesterday both broke me and strengthened my resolve to be myself. I can dance with the best of them .. but while you’re all waltzing, I’m going to be doing a merry jig to the music inside my head.