too sad to play dodgeball


As I feared, the defiant good cheer that held me up through the end of last week and over the weekend didn’t stick around, and by Monday I was a puddle of sad sitting in the corner with a black cloud of gloom hanging over my head. I’m sure it would have been really quite funny if I hadn’t been so depressed, but as it was, things just got darker and darker until this morning when I just couldn’t get out of bed. I called in a Mental Health Day, and spent most of the morning hiding in bed with the covers pulled over my head and cats sitting on my bladder. It helped, a little, but obviously isn’t any kind of permanent fix. It’s too bad, really – I am big fan of the quick fix, but it’s looking more and more like I’m going to have to actually WORK to make my brain better.

Still, a little help is better than none. The last couple days have sucked a lot, which was a jarring difference from the glory that was SUNDAY NIGHT CHILI Y’ALL what with the friends and food and laughing and what not. Work has been difficult: I’m feeling more than a little underappreciated, hopeless about my position, angry at the conversations held last week, saddened that the place I enjoyed so much is changing to remove all the good .. all that stuff, and none of it very warm and fuzzy. My body is freaking out on me due to stress, and my entire left side is revolting in both meanings of the word: my face is a disastrous mine field of zits, I broke a tooth and had to have an emergency filling yesterday which left my mouth in several shades of pain all night and today, I think I gave birth to a hippopotamus in my left ovary, and I need a haircut. Not only is my brain at war, it’s found an ally in the left side of my body .. so now I look as awful as I feel, and that just sucks.

There are some shiny spots, though. I’m currently whining to the world at large on my new laptop, Beth II. She arrived yesterday, and while I definitely didn’t tax my creativity when coming up with a name, I like it (my first MacBook was named Beth as well). The laptop itself is glorious – I’ve had it for 24 hours and have already used it more than I did my iPad in the last 6 months. I love it when a plan comes together and delivers me lovely new gadgets to play with!

My tooth feels better, too. I will hang on to that, because it’s better than being sad. And I’m not sad, really, just resigned. Heaving sighs, quiet resolve, all that. I’m sure it’ll pass. Suffering in silence is just so BORING.

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