your own personal jesus

I gave serious thought to only communicating via Depeche Mode songs from here on in, but I ultimately decided against it. I gave serious thought to a lot of things last night, like never leaving the bed again or crawling inside the pizza to sleep or taking up animal husbandry. I was pretty sold on the last one, until I found out animal husbandry is not about marrying sheep to cats or snakes to horses – seriously, why is it called that if it has nothing to do with confetti and tiny tuxedos? It’s misleading, and just rude.

Mostly, though, I spent yesterday crying. It’s an embarrassing tendency I have; getting overly emotional the instant a Serious Conversation happens at me – and yesterday was the End Boss of Serious Conversations.

I could wax a lot of poetry about the why and the how, but the end result was a Serious Conversation with my boss in which she delivered a year’s worth of bad news in one painful meeting.  I won’t be getting a raise or promotion because I don’t deserve one; I seriously offended her with my email expressing my frustrations; when asked for feedback some of my customers claim I’ve said “that’s not my job, but I’ll help you anyway”; I joke inappropriately in the office; I’m too flippant; there’s no future for me in this company .. and I don’t fit in.

Incidentally, if you’d like to know how to completely break me in two, tell me or make it clear to me that I don’t fit in.

I have reverse abandonment issues and I find it excruciatingly difficult to make friends, because I don’t fit in. Anywhere. I’ve never fit in at any of my jobs, or at school, or in social groups. There’s something wrong with me – people shy away from me; keep me at a distance. The few times in my life I’ve had best friends have all ended badly – I didn’t fit in with their lives any more, and they pushed me away. It happened 20 years ago, 8 years ago, and 11 months ago, and it broke me each time. Oh, people tolerate me okay – I have casual friendships at work, but they never go beyond that. I’m too weird, too off-putting, too smelly, too wrong to be anything other than the weirdo in the corner. Too loud, too bright, too much, too unusual. I thought I had finally found a place where I could be myself and be accepted for everything I have to offer, but once again I don’t fit in and the tolerance I thought people had for me is gone, if it ever was there at all.

In all the jobs I’ve had, I’ve always been the outsider. People put up with my quirks because my work is good, but sooner or later someone simply gets too uncomfortable with me and I get pushed out. Sometimes it’s subtle: the workplace becomes increasingly weird and hostile until I’m gasping for air. Most of the time, I’m let go for other reasons: the only person downsized, not given any work, told to go work from home and mysteriously dropped from the website. Nothing has happened here yet – I still have a job – but I’ve been flat out told that due to all the changes in the last few months, I no longer fit in and I’d really be better off somewhere else.

Why does this keep happening?

Why does it always hit me out of nowhere?

Why aren’t I used to it by now?

Why do I keep trying to connect with people, only to have it blow up in my face?

What’s wrong with me?


9 thoughts on “your own personal jesus

  1. Ouch. That stinks. And hurts. It’s not just you – I think anyone would be a hot mess after that kind of conversation.

    That said, *I* like you and think you’re neat, for whatever that’s worth.

    (And I am also totally handicapped at making friends. Thankfully, I went and birthed myself an excuse to be socially absent.)

  2. wow. just … wow. i wasn’t even part of the conversation and your post brought tears to my eyes … what a horrible smack in the face. i had a week where i kept thinking to myself, “you don’t belong here” … basically, i alienated some supporters of the charity i work for, completely accidentally, and i was overwhelmed by the feeling that i just don’t fit. it’s a shitty enough feeling when it’s in your own head … it’s horrible when someone else says it to you. :S

  3. Boring people can’t handle interesting people. F’ the boring people. I’ve never met you but I can tell you’re a world of awesome. Don’t accept anyone trying to tell you different.

  4. My heart breaks for you Kimli. There is NOTHING wrong with you. The earlier comment about boring people is spot-on. You’re not boring. You’re a sequined boa-wearing cleavage flaunting flamingo in an office of grey squalking gulls. I’ve never fit in either – with STS-07 being an exception.

  5. There is something wrong with you… if you put up with that shit any longer than you need to. I say use the time at that job to find another one. You’re the reason why I have so many iOS games and why I even care about vinyl figs anymore. You live a life full of funtimes and adventure. Stop being sad Kimli, you sweet badass.

  6. Everything you’ve said here resonates with me (I was also a kick-ass TW for a very long time). I’ve had the same job experiences, including a large, negative comment in an otherwise excellent performance review that said I only treat my job like a job. Well, WTF is it? The coming of Christ? I now work in academia for a rockin’ professor and my flippant personality brings our grad students out of their shells and ready for the real world. I don’t know if and when I’ll return to the shit world of technology. No amount of money is worth that stress and BS. Yes, that’s my bad attitude talking, but that’s how it goes when you’ve put your heart and soul into work only to be shit on (rinse and repeat, several times).

    Alex is right; you need out of there. You also need to develop a good skill — learning to recognize when it’s time to leave before you get to this point. Life is short and (can and should be) sweet, and you shouldn’t spend it in a shitty place where no one values or respects you (and obviously stabs you behind your back). It’s hard to make a change, it’s even hard to crawl out of the pit of depression that you’re now in.

  7. My heart goes out to you Kimli. There’s not much I can add to what has already been said. Maybe you need to leave the world of technology like CP? I know I never want to return. My last experience was so bad. You can still use those great tech skills at a non technology company. You could be the social media guru or webmaster. You have so many connections being so involved in the social media scene in Vancouver. Use them for all they are worth to help land you that perfect job where you will be loved and appreciated. It sounds like you are trying to fit into a conservative and stifling environment right now which is never going to work. That might be fine for a wallflower, but not you. As Amy says, you are the Flamingo, not the grey gull. It’s time to find a new home where they appreciate your flamboyant and cheeky nature. I wish you all the best in moving forward and finding your place.

    Try to have a good Xmas knowing you have a wonderful husband and friends that love you for who you are. In the New Year start that job search so you can move on and tell them to take their crappy job and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

  8. Oh Kimli you have written the story of my life. Everything you mention happens to me too all the time. You introduce a friend to another friend and they hit it off and drop you.(This just happened to me very recently once again and it stinks!) Old friends leave you in the dust for no reason or change their opinion of you out of the blue and don’t tell you why. Bosses & coworkers suddenly turn on you for no apparent reason and don’t recognize what you do for them and start scapegoating you.

    I think you are an awesome person, super creative, funny, and cool! I love your style of writing, and only wish I could be as creative with words. (I still tell people about your eat pray love review!)

    I had to walk away from several jobs to realize that even if it is me that other people have issues with for whatever imaginary reason (ask me about my last boss who gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks for asking for a clean handtowel in the office washroom, stating it was the “way” I asked as to why he was so mad-there’s no reasoning with insane people), I have to make my own work and my own career work for me. It’s really hard to walk away but in the end it’s so worth it.
    My situation may not work for you and the kind of work you do, but I think there is a place out there for you to find a job you love and people who respect you- you deserve it! Being in a job situation like the one you’re in now is nothing but negative and so stressful and hard on you both physically and emotionally.

    I have faith that you’ll find something new that’s super awesome & that works for you.

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