I gave serious thought to only communicating via Depeche Mode songs from here on in, but I ultimately decided against it. I gave serious thought to a lot of things last night, like never leaving the bed again or crawling inside the pizza to sleep or taking up animal husbandry. I was pretty sold on the last one, until I found out animal husbandry is not about marrying sheep to cats or snakes to horses – seriously, why is it called that if it has nothing to do with confetti and tiny tuxedos? It’s misleading, and just rude.
Mostly, though, I spent yesterday crying. It’s an embarrassing tendency I have; getting overly emotional the instant a Serious Conversation happens at me – and yesterday was the End Boss of Serious Conversations.
I could wax a lot of poetry about the why and the how, but the end result was a Serious Conversation with my boss in which she delivered a year’s worth of bad news in one painful meeting. I won’t be getting a raise or promotion because I don’t deserve one; I seriously offended her with my email expressing my frustrations; when asked for feedback some of my customers claim I’ve said “that’s not my job, but I’ll help you anyway”; I joke inappropriately in the office; I’m too flippant; there’s no future for me in this company .. and I don’t fit in.
Incidentally, if you’d like to know how to completely break me in two, tell me or make it clear to me that I don’t fit in.
I have reverse abandonment issues and I find it excruciatingly difficult to make friends, because I don’t fit in. Anywhere. I’ve never fit in at any of my jobs, or at school, or in social groups. There’s something wrong with me – people shy away from me; keep me at a distance. The few times in my life I’ve had best friends have all ended badly – I didn’t fit in with their lives any more, and they pushed me away. It happened 20 years ago, 8 years ago, and 11 months ago, and it broke me each time. Oh, people tolerate me okay – I have casual friendships at work, but they never go beyond that. I’m too weird, too off-putting, too smelly, too wrong to be anything other than the weirdo in the corner. Too loud, too bright, too much, too unusual. I thought I had finally found a place where I could be myself and be accepted for everything I have to offer, but once again I don’t fit in and the tolerance I thought people had for me is gone, if it ever was there at all.
In all the jobs I’ve had, I’ve always been the outsider. People put up with my quirks because my work is good, but sooner or later someone simply gets too uncomfortable with me and I get pushed out. Sometimes it’s subtle: the workplace becomes increasingly weird and hostile until I’m gasping for air. Most of the time, I’m let go for other reasons: the only person downsized, not given any work, told to go work from home and mysteriously dropped from the website. Nothing has happened here yet – I still have a job – but I’ve been flat out told that due to all the changes in the last few months, I no longer fit in and I’d really be better off somewhere else.
Why does this keep happening?
Why does it always hit me out of nowhere?
Why aren’t I used to it by now?
Why do I keep trying to connect with people, only to have it blow up in my face?
What’s wrong with me?