for the record, i’m totally against you

.. but secretly, you’re TOTES ADORBS (whatever the fuck that means; I was going for “cute and useful”):

cute, damnit.

Truthfully, I loathe the trend of putting pink flowers and crap on everyday items then marketing them to women, as though a woman would never have use for a normal man-hammer (but if you shrink it for delicate woman hands and cover it in roses it’ll be exactly what I need; bonus points if it’s shaped like a goddamn shoe [because wimmen and shoes, lol rite?]). My rage has nothing to do with my issues with hammers but rather everything to do with the incredibly offensive idea that women need to be catered to on such a basic, idiotic level before we can do anything at all. There are so many things wrong with that line of thinking that I could easily spend days on my soapbox; ranting into the wind .. but this post isn’t about adorable little screwdrivers covered in posies; it’s about that thing up there that is totally great.

It’s a portable battery charger for the iPhone, and it’s TINY. It weighs next to nothing, and in an emergency it would charge your phone up nice and solid for making calls or taking Instagram photos or playing Sky Gnomes repeatedly. It doesn’t require cables; there’s a 30-pin connector right on it to connect your phone to.

People, I am in love with this thing.

You see, I have a problem: I absolutely cannot be separated from a power source for my iPhone at any cost. I start to friggin’ panic when my phone dips below a 90% battery – not normally an issue because I have chargers strategically placed throughout my life, but if I am ever OUTSIDE then I am kind of stuck. I am sure there is some kind of fancy name* for this syndrome of mine; one that sounds science-y but still makes you aware that I am a loony: but I need to charge my phone always. A charged phone is a happy Kimli.

Enter the portable battery charger! I had one while I was in Europe last year, and it was the most brilliant thing ever. Plugging my phone in could really only happen at night with a complicated series of weird pronged items, and I used my phone as a camera every three steps or so. My battery drained quickly, and often – so being able to top myself up whenever and wherever I wanted was a sheer delight. Since then, I’ve routinely carried the portable charger with me when we’re doing things that don’t involve my being tethered to a wall, but it’s too sizeable to be carried around on a regular basis. I also had to upgrade to a different charger this year, because my old one doesn’t work on the iPhone 4s – I gave it to Ed, and purchased one off eBay. It works great (and has adapters so I can charge many things in addition to my phone), but it’s even bigger than the old one: I’ll happily carry it all over London later this year, but I don’t want to tote it around daily.

Today while out looking at things, I stumbled upon the Power Mate Plus: a tiny, 1000mAh 5v charger. It’s much smaller than my eBay one both physically and batterically (5000mAh vs 1000mAh), but it’s perfect for tossing in my bag for emergencies. I’ve been carrying around the standard Apple charger and two cables (just in case), but I might actually be able to lighten the load a little thanks to this ridiculous pink flowery battery thing – I’ve seen many, many portable chargers in my day, but never one as small (or as flowery) as this. It works with the iPhone 4s, too (it won’t work with an iPad; those require 10v to charge). I may be in love.

*: the closest syndrome I could find was “range anxiety”, but that’s generally used for electric cars and the fear you won’t make it to your destination/home/closest charging station before your battery runs out. I should probably try to coin and trademark a phrase for my condition soon, because The Man is cracking down on batteries – before long, people everywhere will be terribly afraid of being caught with a dead battery and no means to charge up. Kimli Syndrome? Red Battery Phobia? What-if-I-miss-an-Instagramable-moment-itis? Dead Zone Anxiety? That might work, actually – I don’t much like areas with no cell service or Christopher Walken with psychic powers, either.

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