I’m rarely one to follow trends – if I had my way, I’d wear nothing but baby doll dresses and Doc Martens well into my 80s – but I’m seeing more and more people in meatspace wearing dresses trimmed in, of all things, mesh. At first I was startled because I am skittish and frighten easily, but then I was intrigued – mesh! It’s airy and transparent, but gives the illusion of total coverage! It isn’t frilly and itchy like lace, and doesn’t make you look like a church picnic! Mesh apparently isn’t just for gay nightclubs anymore; it can be for EVERYONE and it just might solve my ongoing problem of rampant indecency. There are other benefits, too:

• Mesh could act as a barrier against the food that inevitably ends up in my cleavage
• Always looking like I’m ready to start my figure skating routine
• No more awkwardness when the bus is full and my mostly-bare breasts spend the commute in someone’s face
• All the nasty sneer ladies will have to sneer nastily at someone else
• When I look down, I still see too much boob and that pleases me

If done right, this mesh thing could be pretty neat. Just look at how much safer you all are, thanks to mesh:

SAFE.

If it wasn’t for mesh, Californian gays could get married and Texan women would have access to medical care and then what? Disaster, apparently. Wonderful, glorious disaster.

Now, let’s all kiss! It feels really nice!