As we near the start of fall, I’m beginning to worry that I’m not going to get to go to London this year (as I have for the two years previous).

Even though I had no plans concrete cotton candy or otherwise to go to overseas this year, I’ve been quietly scheming in the back of my mind since last October, hoping that some way, somehow, I’d find a reason/the money/an excuse to go. I crossed my fingers and desperately wished that things would just sort of .. happen, but it’s almost September and no magical genie or raise or random strange happening has materialized. I’ve got no real feasible way to get to London, and that’s making my heart ache: I want to be back there so very badly I could cry. I’m drastically close to throwing caution to the wind and following my heart, even if only for a week or so .. I could do it, if I forgot about everything for a little while. I could take the cheapest of uncomfortable, no-frills, baby-packed flights and stay at a hostel or in the London equivalent of the Cecil. Hell, I could even be rom-com-style foolish and spend money I don’t have for an actual room; one with a lumpy bed and no hot water and a family of raccoons living in the closet. I could go a week without eating and live on excitement only; soaking up history and culture and things built before 1985 and not out of glass. I could do all these things.

But I probably won’t.

I don’t know when I gained a sense of responsibility, but I’m finding it incredibly inconvenient – it gets in my way and stops me from doing the things I desperately want to do: own a pug, go to London, adopt all the cats, eat nothing but tacos, travel on a whim, do crazy things for the sake of the stories I could tell. I want all of these things, but I also want a home to come back to .. so I can’t have them.

I wonder if I could use the “well, you got to go to Edmonton so now I’m gonna go to London” excuse.

I could sell all my things. I have a lot of things, and a flight to London is only $280 (plus $604 in fees).

I should get off the internet before I click buttons I shouldn’t click.

There’s still time .. this could still happen, right?

#longing