a series of open letters

To the woman standing in the very long queue at Shoppers Drug Mart clearly waiting for someone to just dare to try and bypass the line so you could call him or her out indignantly in an attempt to publicly shame them but you got me instead and I was simply walking past everyone on my way out because I had just picked up a prescription: lol!

To fashion designers everywhere: please, please, PLEASE stop trimming everything in pleather. And decorating shirts with beans. And also learn to fucking spell oh my god you should be so ashamed of yourselves.

To Alexey, a guy I used to work with: Nice seeing you today!

To Domino’s Pizza: thank you very much for realizing that I probably didn’t intend to place two identical orders, and calling to confirm. Nicely done!

To anyone who wanted to buy any Diet Coke in Vancouver today: I bought it all. I’m not sorry.

To the Minibator: 48 bottles of Diet Coke is very heavy. I am sorry.

To Miley, Sinead, and Amanda: Hello. You are people I have heard of.

.. that is all.


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