My mother has this weird detector thing plugged in next to the plywood board we sleep on. It’s huge, and covers the only outlet anywhere near us – so we unplugged it for phone charging. Seems logical, right? Whatever the thing detects, the universe won’t implode if it’s undetectable for an evening.

That was the plan, which never seems to match up with my reality. The box doesn’t seem to detect anything except being unplugged, at which point it SCREAMS LKE A FUCKING BANSHEE. So, my mother has a device that alerts her loudly when it’s unplugged. And that’s it. Don’t touch the mystery device, or it will FREAK THE FUCK OUT. And it’s bottom heavy. It falls out of the socket if you look at it funny, and then BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP with no way to turn it off (except to plug it back in) or even mute the fucking thing.

What is this, and who the fuck would invent such a terrible device? All I want to do is charge my phone. Stop screaming at me.

On the plus side, my mother got screens for her windows and I was able to open one last night to make it slightly less hot than the fires of hell in here. I actually slept! That was nice.

I’m going outside now, where there are no walnuts under the bed.