We’ve been doing some purging, for Reasons. It’s a wholesale get rid of shit throw down, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things that don’t give us pause when playing Keep, Donate, Toss (the boring old person version of Fuck, Marry, Kill): a tiny shirt I wore in grade 1 (go Hampton Hawks!) (kept), freebie gaming shirts (how will people know I’m a nerd if I don’t wear this Titanfall shirt?!) (donated), the Fertility Blanket (tossed).
I feel really guilty about tossing the Fertility Blanket, but I didn’t have a choice. Some history: Ed and I received it for our wedding from my Auntie Grandma Cousin Lady (an elderly relative on my mom’s side – we’re apparently related, but I don’t know how). She crocheted it for us in the babibest of blue and pink, leaving no question that the blanket was intended to encourage (or perhaps cause) procreation on a biblical scale. The blanket was lovely (if kind of hideous), and I really appreciated the gesture – crocheting something of that size must have taken ages. Auntie Grandma Cousin Lady knew nothing about me, and had no reason not to think that Ed and my first goal would be to have ALL THE BABIES .. so, very touching gift. Even if I was terrified of it.
We decided to hang onto the blanket in case we ever needed a covering that would fertilize eggs when no one was looking. We moved it from Edmonton to Calgary to East Van to North Van and back to East Van, never once using it for its intended purpose because why on earth would we. I may have even worn gloves while handling it, just in case (I am nothing if not paranoid of conception). We didn’t really give it much thought until last night, during the Purge Part 1 – I had to pull it out from under the dresser so we could vacuum up the dust chunks that had accumulated and become sentient. It was then that I realized:
- cat hair!
- cat hork!
- scorch marks!
In the frigid depths of last winter, we turned the bedroom heater on to stave off the worst of the cold. It wasn’t on a lot, but it was evidently enough to burn a fucking hole into the blanket and melt fibres and char things up a little. While I’m very glad things didn’t burst into flame and become a baby-making ball of fire, I’m kind of freaked out at how easily things could gotten very bad, very quickly. We disposed of the Fertility Blanket once and for all, vowed to keep the baseboards free from any and all obstructions, and moved large pieces of furniture around because our neighbours suck.
Tonight, more of the same. I am so very excited about it and definitely do not want to punch or kick anyone.