fixing a hole

My previous post about my mental health was really cathartic, even more so than the usual warm glowing warming glow I feel after getting something off my ample and amazing chest. It was (stupidly) difficult to get the words out, but having my brain laundry dangling all out there in the open (coupled with the support and encouragement lovingly foisted my way) has galvanized me into action. When you’re depressed, Taking Action is the single hardest thing to do – it’s Step One, and if getting there was easy, there wouldn’t be a mental health epidemic.

So, I’m pretty proud of myself for Taking Action. It took too long for me to admit the state of my brain to myself, but I’m glad I did: in an almost unprecedented turnaround, I already feel better. Was it the Taking Action? Is it just psychosemantic? Dunno! It could be all or any of the things I’ve done to fix my depression since Monday:

  • Admit to myself and the internet at large that I was feeling lousy and needed help
  • Made an appointment to speak with a doctor (thanks, Medeo!)
  • Bought myself a present
  • Had a long talk with Ed
  • Cut back a little on my caffeine intake
  • Tried to go to bed at a decent hour
  • Spoke with the aforementioned doctor, who didn’t dismiss my concerns as stupid or tell me to just man up
  • Looked into cognitive behaviour therapy via MoodGYM (which better come with a Pokemon badge)
  • Increased my medication
  • Had a 1v1 with my manager
  • Tacos

Obviously this is a very Kimli-specific list, and one I don’t necessarily recommend you follow for treating your own issues (except for tacos: everyone should always have many tacos). We’re all beautiful unique snowflakes, so what works for me isn’t guaranteed to have any effect whatsoever on you. Blah blah disclaimer blah small print blah butts – all I know is that I’m feeling better, and I’m grateful for it.

One thing I did do that I really don’t recommend for anyone (including myself, but we who write the rules rarely obey) was tinker with my meds. I’m on a particularly low dose of brain pills at the moment, but I had some pills left over from my previous mental escalation. They’re the tiniest of stepladders, but they really help when I need them .. and on Monday, I needed them. I took a tiny stepladder with my regular dose, and the next day I felt markedly better. Was it the additional medication? Was it the fact that I decided it was time to feel better? Tacos? I can’t answer that. While it’s true I arbitrarily decided “MOAR MEDS”, I did talk about it with the doctor (albeit a day after the fact), who agreed to prescribe me the stepladder so I don’t have to horde pills in the future. Increasing my medication, along with the other things listed above, should make things better. I am looking forward to feeling like myself again.

Also, you may be confused at the inclusion of the 1v1 with my manager, but today I got some feedback on my performance to date and it was great and I am awesome and everyone is still super happy they hired me, and that is lovely. I work much better when I get feedback, and positive feedback can make me light up like a teenage boy’s bedroom under blacklight.

ps: anytime you see the wrong word (ie: horde where hoard should be used), it’s on purpose. word play. homonyminal fun. a wizard did it. i’m teaching the world ’bout homonyms!

3 thoughts on “fixing a hole

  1. i had a “soswtfomg, i’m completely falling apart” period in early spring this year … the stress of self-employment and the weight of decisions and money and family and blah, blah, blah … i cracked. but, having been there before, i recognized it, had a long talk with a friend, saw my doc for happy pills and went to a therapist i saw a few years ago (aka the last time i was in a mad spiral of woe) … and the act of taking control helped. a month or so later, my dad passed away … if i hadn’t taken action to help myself a few weeks before that, i feel confident that i would have gone to a very dark place. it was like i somehow knew things were going to get worse and i need to sort my shit out before they did. anyway … that’s my story, but i’m glad that you’re talking and medicating and buying transformers. be good to yourself. :)

  2. kinda worried about which hole you were fixing…super glad you feel better…but thanks for the link on MoodGym…i just signed up!

  3. Delurking to say that while I’m great at keeping up on the Instagrams (your photos are beautiful!) I’m terrible these days at keeping up with the blogs, and am just now reading about a month’s worth of posts.

    I’m glad that you’re talking, glad that you’re adjusting (even self-adjusting, and then also glad that your doctor is on your side in that), glad there are new kittens and toys and tacos and sparkly things, but mostly glad there is a Kimli. Thank you for being brave enough to speak up. Thank you for being open. Your job is right, you *are* awesome. Even on days when you don’t feel that you are.

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